Day 47: Alcoholism and how it Related to Doubting Myself Part 7

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative hugging me/consoling me after she heard I got horribly drunk at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party that she could not attend, bringing up the thought, ‘R. is very sweet to stand up for me. I am very embarrassed. I guess everyone knows what happened.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another another relative, who is an alcoholic, pouring hard liquor down his throat in the forest by the cottage  and passing out and think, ‘Poor M. he is a severe alcoholic and cannot drink. He’s so miserable and fucked up. He should go to AA (alcoholics anonymous) and learn how to live sober’, in total denial of my own alcoholism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in W’s kitchen, as she offered to watch my kids when I went to a AA meeting, her house being large and incredibly opulent and thinking, ‘Her husband is so successful and decent and handsome. She never has to worry about money. I wonder how that feels? I wish I could feel that. I am such a pathetic loser. I married the wrong man, she was smart, she married the ‘right’ man. Oh god, get this over with. I can’t wait to get home and drink. Stupid bitch, she thinks it so simple with her ‘help’, it’s just one meeting, tomorrow who is going to watch the kids? No one and I will drink, oh fuck what a loser. Look at all she has, it is so beautiful and comfortable here, my kids love it here. Just get through this and home soon and drink, thank god… soon.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by regret, shame, guilt, self-hate, humiliation, fear, jealousy, confusion, self-pity bring up the thought, ‘What does she think, one meeting is going to change anything. I know it won’t. Just go and come back and get your kids and get them out of her clutches of ‘we have so much, abundance and you don’t’ and get home so you can drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m never going to get through this, it’s too much, it’s not going to change anything. I should be making money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having no regard for my physical health. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and instead put my ‘faith’ in my ‘higher power’=my mind and follow it’s ‘guidance‘.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust and therefore my actions outside of myself in others and the idea of a ‘higher power’ in total separation of myself and my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize my alcoholism and instead live/exists in total self-pity and self-victimization, not taking responsibility and empowering myself with my own ability to change my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, “Life should not be something you just ‘get through'” and doubted sticking to my guns (my decision to not re-enter the work force because I did not believe in the world money/business systems) but instead ‘felt’ defeated by the world and wondered if everyone else was ‘right’ and I should just get a regular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate the responsibility for the health of my human physical body to… what?  Chance, luck, doctors, miracles, money, god, spirits, prayer, hope.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what I have questioned (way back in my mind, I didn’t think I had the right to question) throughout my life; why shouldn’t I be in complete control of my physical human body, why don’t I know what’s going on with my body, who designed this, it sucks, it should be changed so humans are not such prisoners in their bodies, it should be a delight to exist, not so precarious and frightening, every time you walk out the door something can kill you. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my right to ask these questions in fearing the creator would think I was ungrateful and therefore undeserving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, ‘No wonder I drank, life sucked, I’d rather be drunk than have to submit to the world systems. Thank god for Desteni.

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