Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!
I commit myself to living in moment to moment awareness of my thoughts, by using the breath to remain here, therefore, whenever I catch myself with pictures in my mind–as the first thought–bringing up the memories from the cottage and my relatives, I use self-trust and self-honesty to stop, breathe and bring myself back to the physical, as I now see/realize/understand I do not need memories to know what happened in the past, I still indeed do know without having pictures/thoughts then subsequent feelings/emotions/bodily reactions, which only serve to harm my physicality by using energy to consume the flesh.
I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever a memory pops up, within and as me, of an old girlfriend who offered to watch the kids while I went to an AA meeting, and breath as I now see/realize/understand this only brings on a whole slew of thoughts and pictures (imaginings) that take me away from my current reality and I cannot effectively direct myself here when I am wasting time in my head, going over once again, these memories and the ones connected. I realize I was very sick and not able to discern what would be best for me and the children at the time and going to her home was not a good choice as it just brought on self-judgement, self-abusive talk (backchat) and judgement about her, when she was trying to be supportive.
I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, at the first thought-picture of this woman’s kitchen/woman, before I connect it to AA (alcoholics anonymous) if I find myself in reaction of being over taken by the emotions of guilt, self-hate, self-pity, jealousy, remorse, regret, dislike, judgement of another (through backchat). I remind myself that I am physical and not this -a mind-stuck in the past, I remind myself I am no longer poor but here and I have all I need and no longer want more, the abundance wealth brings, until all-ALL- have what they need to live in decency and comfort, no one needs opulence and I was wrong to exist in/participate in the design of comparison/polarities, of haves and have nots. When all have what they need, we can then all enjoy the process of creating, not just what we need but what we want, for enjoyment as well!
I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop myself from engaging/participating in memories by following them down the rabbit hole, of trusting in a ‘higher being/power’ and indeed trusting in my own self-doubt, before trusting myself here! As many times I would say to myself , ‘what if you were just beamed down and found yourself in this body, what would you do ?’ and the answer was clear enough but I would fall back into the trap of listening to ‘guidance’/dreams/voices and also the bottle/using alcohol to block out these voices/messages, the circle of doubt spiraling downward day after day, as I now see/realize/understand nothing is served by this repetitive cycle but existing as an organic robot, beLIEving the program (that I wrote in the first 7 years of my life-see heavens journey to life) to be me and then I am unable to be the self-directive force of me here and be of true service to myself, my children, all human beings, the animal and plant kingdom.
I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory come up, showing me it still exists within and as me, of being directed by the emotions of inferiority/less than/victimization/helplessness/suicidal thoughts, during my years of alcoholic self-abuse, and commit to stand in absolute stability as me here, out of my mind of the past as thoughts/memories/reactions and create a rock solid starting point of me here, as I now see/realize/understand to entertain these thoughts/memories/reactions only compromises my very physicality, as the mind uses the energy created from my participation, to consume the flesh to create more energy for its own survival. So, by using the mind I am feeding on my own self, in actual fact, until there will be nothing left of me, this is no longer acceptable to me and I stand and stop and say ‘NO” to the mind (out loud if I am alone). I also now see/understand self-pity exists in self-interest for me alone and I am no longer allowing myself to live in separation from the whole. In that, I remind myself, although I did harm myself with alcohol and spirituality I was not capable of anything else at the time and my life is stable today and enjoyable in many ways.
I commit myself to stop myself whenever I find I am participating in memories of when I did not trust myself, as my decision to not work in a traditional job or participate much in traditional society, and to catch myself by being aware with breath, whenever I go into self-doubt, as I now see/realize/understand this is again the mind pulling me into lala land, completely unproductive, existing from the starting point of the past, again enslaved by the mind as/of memory experiences, instead of here, free to express/enjoy/create/share with no label/attachment/preformed opinions towards myself/others/my environment.