For the past 5 weeks I have been working 2 jobs: a daycare in my home and foreign students boarding with us and I have been experiencing increasing anxiety, a flood of thoughts and reactions concerning the little things that need to be done, in my day. In the next number of posts, I will tackle this personality, the totally stressed out, crazy, middle aged woman. As I hesitate now, thinking, it seems too much, impossible to remember all the thoughts, I realize one begins this process by….well, beginning!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘It is too much, I cannot remember all the thoughts I have had over the last 5 weeks about this overwhelming feeling, there is so much more I need to cover, I’ll never get through it.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear, at following the first thought, as in ‘its too much’ and opening the door to subsequent thoughts telling me why it is too much (whatever ‘it’ is, in this case to cover all the thoughts I had about handling the 2 jobs during a day), beLIEving these thoughts to be me and accepting this fear as me, then letting the fear build into anxiety, in my body, of tightening of my throat/chest/pit of my stomach.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘there is not enough time’ as in not enough time to get all the little things/jobs done in my day and still have time for process (Desteni I Process) and to ‘be a wife’ (another character for another post).
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to breathe and then immediately rise from bed RIGHT AWAY when I wake up/the alarm goes off, but instead to lie in bed and allow thoughts to start, re-booting my mind consciousness systems so I am starting my day, once again, as an organic robot of the mind, with the continual/constant running of the program of thoughts, instead of a self-directive being, here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let a number of images comes up in my mind, one after another, leading to feeling overwhelmed: dishes, laundry, shopping, running out of food for the ELS (English language Students), the grocery stores I go to, my dog, pictures of the children I have in my daycare, pictures of the ELS staying with us, the doctor’s office, the drive test center, the mammogram clinic, driving with my son, my husband at his office.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/engage/participate in the following thought pattern as backchat/inner conversation:
Shit A. is going to be here in a few minutes, I hope I can get breakfast out for the ELS before they come down, why is T. coming down so early now? It’s like she’s coming down earlier and earlier, why doesn’t she come down at the agreed upon time? She’s just in the fucking way. I havn’t even washed their dishes from yesterday, gotta pack their lunches, shit we’re out of ham, I have to buy more jam and eggs for tomorrow , oh yeah and milk, I wish the kids (daycare children) wouldn’t use the bloody milk, I don’t want to talk to anyone this morning, I just want my coffee, I wish they would just fucking leave, I can’t wait until they leave, 7 days to go, thank god, I havn’t called my Mom for a week, I have to/should call her, we’re almost out of tp, it’s garbage day, I forgot, now I’m going into a sweat (menopause symptom) fuck when is this going to end, nothing works, I can’t sleep, I have to nap this afternoon and then I don’t have enough time for process (DIP: Desteni I Process) and participation, Oh shit, A. let the bloody cat in, I’ve told them not to, the students don’t like the cat on the counter, too much, I hate this, I can’t wait till they leave, oh god , what a bitch I’m being, they are both awesome young women, why am I doing this. Oh yeah, the dentist should have told me it would be an extra $1600 (over and above what my insurance covered) to get this bridge done, that just pisses me off, she has no idea what I have had to go through to pay this bill. Shit, I forgot P. (my son) wants to go for a driving lesson/practice, he still hasn’t got the parking permit for that car his Dad lent him, I forgot gotta pay that parking ticket.Well, there goes my day, I’ll have to pick up the kids from school after that. I wish we could just move, if we move I don’t have to work/earn nearly as much income. Our mortgage is waaay to high. I wish R. (my husband) would agree to move out of the city and we could have no mortgage for god sake! I’m going to search online again and show him houses we can afford. Fuck I wish we could just move. Who needs this fucking stress, bills, bills, bills, we are forever behind. My notes-to do list-is a mess, I have to re-write it, why is it always a mess, why do I write it on such small paper, why do I always have 2?A. (one of the daycare children) is such a pain in the ass, so difficult, it’s my fault I let her manipulate me, I’m not strong/consistent enough for her. And they come so bloody early, I hate that 7am facing her first thing in my day, she’s mean and self-centered, without her it would be so much easier, I’ll tell her mom just till the new year and I’m done, its $700/month so I’ll get a tenant NOT ELS that I have to cook for and include in the family/entertain/act as ‘house mother’ for, just a tenant/student going to a local college, fuck I’m hot and now I’m cold, I don’t know if I’m hot or cold, R. is so cheap he always turns down the heat, fuck, when is this going to stop I can’t stand it (the menopause sweats). A is getting a little better this year, I don’t want to hurt A or her mom’s feelings and make her have to find other daycare, maybe I can stand it. At least I can enjoy a smoke, I shouldn’t smoke, I shouldn’t have lied to the doctor and said I did not smoke, he may not have put me on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or as strong, if I said I smoked, I don’t smoke much. Why does A’s mom keep asking me to babysit on a weekend night, I told her I’m not doing that anymore, It’s hard to say no to her, its too much, you look after your own kid, I feel like a bloody slave, she’s like 5 kids in one, its exhausting, you do it and I’ll go out! that so mean of me, she’s a single mom, like I was, its hard, I love them both, I just don’t want to look after her anymore. She ‘s a difficult kid, I’m not good at it, I’m so done…..’
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have these thoughts bring on the reactions of the following emotions and feelings: FEAR: of death/suffering/not enough sleep/of not enough time/of loss/rejection/not enough money/poverty/criticism and the emotions of : anxiety, regret, guilt, inferiority/less than/not good enough, blame, impatience, judgement of others, self-judgement .
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, subsequently, experience the following behavioral changes in my physical human body: a tightening in my throat, a tightening in my chest and stomach–all like severe anxiety, difficulty breathing, increase in heart rate (sometimes), shortness of breath, pain from tension in my shoulders and upper back.
Self-Commitment Statements to follow in post: Day 52