Now that I have looked at a morning of anxiety and applied self-forgiveness and a self-corrective application, I want to examine WHY would I do this to myself? Obviously, the problem is not that I did it one morning, that was to slow it down and examine it in detail, the problem is it is quite CONSTANT, if not all day, each day there is stress, anxiety, worry as I move throughout the day, about the little things in life. So I will use writing and self-forgiveness to start with the process of determining the ‘WHY’. This topic will be revisited several times over the years as/when needed/it comes up in my day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘there’ is not enough, as in I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, to accomplish what needs to be done in my day. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am incompetent. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a picture of my ex-mother in law (also ex-sister-in-law) to this thought and think, ‘they are highly competent women’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this thought to a memory of being at the family ski chalet with them, when the children were young, and they both assisted in getting the 3 little ones (including my 2 children) fed/dressed/geared up for skiing and out the door and I was still not even dressed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ski chalet memory to the thought, ‘Their husband’s respect them and did not leave them, my husband saw a bumbling idiot and lost interest in me and left me.’
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist, within and as me, of seeing the two women being quick/decisive/getting things done and have time to spare for relaxation but I could not seems to do this (we spent MANY weekends together at the family cottage and ski chalet over a 12 year period) and engage/participate in the following backchat/inner mind chatter; ‘how do they do that? I wish I could be like them. I look like a fool in comparison. My husband must notice, I need to put on make up and get dressed up for dinner and make sure my husband and I make love, I don’t want him to fool around on me, make sure you satisfy him Sandy, look pretty, oh shit its getting late, I should help with dinner, wait …how did she get the dinner prepared, have her shower and look gorgeous and be sitting there reading and her husband’s offering to get her a glass of wine? I could never do that and she put the baby down for the night and the other children are all bathed and watching a movie, while I had a quick nap, fuck I can’t do that , I’m such a loser, gotta try, no I’ll never do that, I hate them, wine will help……just act confident, that will be good’.
In that, In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so preoccupied, with constant and continuous inner chatter-living up in my mind- that I would overwhelm and exhaust myself so I could not possibly move with ease/peace/grace from one task to another and enjoy myself , basically ever.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing/understanding that rushing/trying desperately to get/be/do more, to make up for ‘not enough’ from a starting point of ‘I’m not good enough’ just produced failure and a feeling of failure, over and over again, in that I would give up before I mastered or completed a simple or new/larger task/goal/project and not be able to follow simple, repetitive, tasks through to completion (as everything created- from the large to the small-making a meal or learning how to play the piano-is always comprised of one point followed by another point), always stopping, self-sabotaging, to listen to my backchat- as experience from the past- so the past would play out, again and again.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand how this related to my experience as a child with my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have memories, pictures and most of all FEAR of my father, exist within and as me of the following: coming in the front door after school in fear/hesitation, of never knowing if my father would be home (and not my mom) and if he would be drinking, knowing if he was drinking I could be the target of his vicious verbal attacks, my father making racist remarks about a person or a tv show/movie, making sexists remarks about women and girls (suggesting little girls are purposefully seductive), that black people are inferior, that women are inferior, that white men are superior, of questioning/challenging him on this and him blatantly saying ‘its not just what I think, its the truth’, of me saying ‘Ok, we can agree to disagree’ and him saying ‘No, we can’t, I’m right’, of my father watching me in a running race in primary school and when it was over him saying to someone, ‘Sandy always tries hard but she never wins’, him being very angry with me as he told me to help prepare dinner one night and saying, ‘don’t you even know how to chop vegetables’ and him showing me in a very impatient and critical manner, of him making fun of me as a teenager experimenting with make- up saying to my aunt and uncle, ‘she blackens her eyes so no one will look at her nose’ (that I had the family ‘big’ nose), of him saying to my sister and I (when I was probably about 12) ‘if you two sluts ever get pregnant, I’ll kick you from here to New York’, of him saying at my engagement party, ‘I’m going to travel after this no matter who is getting married’, of his voice when he was angry with me saying ‘Sandra’ very stern and frightening, of him asking my sister and I ‘didn’t your mother even talk to you girls about menstrating?’ of him being very critical, mean, impatient, frightening with my siblings on many occasions about chores/homework/grades-report cards/friends/being out late/going out with friends to parties/life decisions, of him saying that children’s aid is going to take my sisters children away from her (ridiculous, as she was an excellent parent).
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the memory, within and as me of knowing, growing up in my father’s home, nothing was open for discussion, children are not to question/talk back, and it was not said that often but I knew to shut up/be quiet and ‘take it’ and just get through it and so I LEARNED TO SUPPRESS THE INJUSTICE I FELT AND KNEW WAS WRONG.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have memories exist within and as me of my siblings challenging my dad and ‘getting it’ physically (not often) or more often verbal threats of violence/insults/accusations/just plain crazy talk should they continue and so I chose to live in the shadows as much as possible , to keep safe, in the family and hid in my room but would listen at the door of my bedroom to the fighting/insults/threats my dad would hurl at them. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt that they were getting the abuse and not me (I was also the youngest and I believe this is why he left me alone more than the others).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize/understand his comments/opinions were just his incompetency as a parent, his own demons, his battle of being overwhelmed with 4 children and his alcoholism and I did not need to take them personally or incorporate them into my very beingness and carry them within/as me through life.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize/understand I have taken on this ‘incompetent’ character and lived it as me, beLIEving the lie– that these memories/thoughts/fears/emotions/pictures in my mind–are me, when they are not me, but a running/live program that exists within my very flesh as the mind embodiment/physical mind, making it impossible for me to direct myself here, in each moment as the breath of life, stealing my very life, as I am constantly preoccupied with this incompetent character chattering away to me!
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought, ‘I am not good enough, I’m incompetent’ to fear of my second husband leaving me for being weak/insecure/frazzled and the fear of him criticizing me/suggesting I am a failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and self-interest in thinking my husband could dump me because I’m not good enough/competent/strong enough/’together’ and I would be lonely and poor.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now always be fearful/on guard of possible verbal attack/accusation of not doing a job well enough/being picked on just because I was there to pick on.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a constant state of fear that I can not get the little things done in each day because of past programming that continually tells me I am incompetent/not good enough/will be attacked/will be put down and rejected, and as this barrage of thoughts tires me/wears me down I give up and have used outside substances-food, shopping, appearance, obsessed about my home, money, alcohol, sleep, sleeping medication, as an escape from this ball and chain, unfortunately proving to myself once again, this is indeed true as I fail at things/do a mediocre job; marriage, career, appearance, songwriting, playing guitar or piano, etc.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, because of past programming be always hesitant/careful/doubting/second guessing/looking over my shoulder /in a state of fear/always unsure that I have made the right choice/decision/done a good enough job as someone/my husband in particular will put me down/be angry/judgemental/criticize and perhaps leave me/abandon me.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and controlled by fear of rejection/loss because I am not good enough.