As I review the last post, stressed out part 3, I can see how muddled/confused my thoughts are, seemingly random and jumping. This process, for me and many others, is like putting the puzzle pieces together, so I will slow myself down, continue with this theme of being overwhelmed by the little things one particular morning (see part 1), and in this post will specifically write about what I have learned thus far about my thinking processes–as to the WHY would I do this to myself/allow a barrage of thoughts to bombard me first thing in the morning–using self-forgiveness and then in the next post (day 55-part 5) write the commitment statements , as the solution to this fear based possession.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe in my CYCLE OF INCOMPETENCY, being:
Because I am incompetent, from beLIEving the memories from childhood (see part 3), I fear there is not enough time to get the many little things done I am required to do in my day. Because there is not enough time I must rush and be part of the HUMAN RACE/RAT RACE all the while, my thoughts RACE. Because I am rushing/racing, listening to many thoughts one after another, from a starting point of fear, I am not patient/thorough/stable in taking on tasks, point by point, so I do not complete tasks but jump from one task to another fearing there is not enough time. Because I do not complete tasks thoroughly I AM INCOMPETENT.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I am not good enough’ ‘I am inferior’ from the starting point of childhood memories of my father saying women/girls are inferior to men. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind consciousness system design of polarities, in this case comparison, in which I compare myself to others, who I judge as successful/competent/superior while I judge label myself as a failure/incompetent/inferior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I am average’ and therefore I will never excel at anything from a starting point of a memory, existing within and as me, of my father saying ‘Sandy always tries hard but never wins‘. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think because I am average I have to try harder just to be mediocre/barely noticed/just survive and I must do more than others just to get a small piece of the action/pleasure/the spoils of life, I must do more and do it fast because, for me, there is not as much time as for others who are more competent.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am average looking so I must try harder to look ‘pretty’ so wear make-up, high heels, I am of average intelligence so I must study harder and longer and get extra help, I can cheat on tests because I can’t learn the material, I am average from a talent perspective so I must stay in the shadows and not make a fool of myself, all this from a starting point of self-interest, based on survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, because I am average, I am disposable/unimportant/can be overlooked. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this self-pity is dishonesty because it is based on self-interest and fear of survival for me alone and allows me to hide/cower/be dependent upon others for money instead of standing and engaging in my world without using the mind, as fear from past memories, to direct me, so I can be useful/contribute/support/assist myself first and then others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always doubt/never be satisfied with the choices I make but let myself be influence/directed by my mind of inferior/not enough so my choices are not good enough, I need more, to switch/exchange one choice for another, therefore taking more time to constantly re-make my life/my home/my appearance.