In this post I will begin re-constructing my daily living application–so as not to REPEAT THE PAST-– by writing commitment statements FROM the self-forgiveness statements in Day 53 and Day 54.
I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to, from the starting point of fear, participate in the mind’s design of comparison, within a memory, specifically within the polarites of success/failure, competent/incompetent, haves/have nots with regards to the past, my ex-husband and his family, as I now see/realize/understand to do so would be to allow the Mind/my past demons, tell me who I am-define me- instead of me, here in the moment of application, deciding who I am, and directing myself to get through all my daily tasks and then actually do it!
In that, I commit to stopping myself when I see I am becoming the connector , connecting feeling overwhelmed with little jobs I am required to tend to, with feeling overwhelmed in the past when at the ski chalet, as I now see realize/understand I was so preoccupied, with constant and continuous inner chatter-living up in my mind- that I would overwhelm/exhaust myself so I could not possibly move with ease/peace/grace from one task to another and enjoy myself, as these women did. Thus, I now commit to stop myself whenever I see I am connecting this here moment to a past moment, as it only disengages me from the task before me, so I am less effective in getting the job done, I focus and re-commit to get it done!
I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when/as I see my imagination in any way manifesting/coming up with failure/not being good enough, based on memories from the past at the ski chalet, I immediately stop myself, saying NO and move my attention/awareness to REALITY in paying attention to what I am facing/doing in the PHYSICAL as I now see, realize and understand the more I participate in the imagination, the more I am giving energy to the Mind and the less I am actually contributing to myself/my living here and will so no more accept/allow imagination to decide who I am, as I WILL myself to move myself into and as actual, physical, practical, real application.
I commit myself to assist and support myself by stopping myself with breath, here, when/as I see my imagination playing out scenes of my husband leaving me because I am less than/incompetent/a failure/not good enough/not pretty ,skinny, sexy enough based on the past as memories when my first husband left me, saying ‘I just don’t love you, I never really did’, as I now see/realize/understand to engage/participate in this imagining only strengthens the mind and does not strengthening me as ‘here with breath’. I also realize I am just as guilty in choosing X. as an inappropriate partner, as I was trying to control and change the past (re-live/correct memories of my father) with X and I was obsessive, even today as/when I engage with him (he is the father of my 2 children/we get along well) I see it was not a good/appropriate pairing, from the start.
I commit myself to stop myself when/as I find I am going into the behavior/reaction of rushing, from the starting point of fear, fearing there is not enough time to get things done, as I now see/realize/understand rushing is an energetic response of/from the mind and if I participate/engage I tend to experience consequences in my physical body of tiredness, nausea, head and neck pain, stiffness in my back and shoulder muscles, as the mind transforms/consumes substance/physicality, of my very cells, into mind energy (eating the flesh!). In that also, I realize the job will be done mediocre or not completed at all, as I jump to the next task, so even if it gets done a little faster, one has to return to it! Seeing the uselessness in this action, I instead, commit to slowing down, breathing through any fear, and focusing on reality one task at a time (completing tasks thoroughly), reminding myself there is indeed time IF I AM HERE and not lost in my mind using energy!