Day 60: Fear of Not Thinking: From Thinking to Direct Seeing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘fear of not thinking’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, often deliberately, not be diligent in staying with breath, breath awareness here, and get lost in my mind of delusion, as thoughts/imaginings/pictures/memories.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of having strong/frequent anxiety, of my throat tightening/a tightening in my chest/constricted breathing and connecting it to a month ago when I had really slowed down my thinking, and then being directed by fear in thinking, ‘I hope those symptoms don’t come back if I stop participating in thoughts again’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as ‘fear of not thinking’, engage/participate in & relate to/believe my own backchat/internal conversation of the following;

The Negative: If I am not participating in thoughts, I won’t remember to do something important for my kids or tell them something important and hence I will be a bad Mom,  I will have to rush from one physical task to the next so I don’t think in between and I’ll be full of anxiety, I won’t be able to relax/be lazy anymore because I always have to be aware if I am using my mind, I will become exhausted, nothing will get done-my life and myself/body will deteriorate and be a mess, I will be like an animal-vacant upstairs,  I won’t be ‘me’ anymore ’cause there’s nothin left so who will I be?, I will be a zombie, now I don’t know what to think…oh yeah nothing, now I’m fucked up about this, I’ll never be able to accomplish direct seeing, it’s impossible for me, I’ll be overwhelmed by direct seeing, I have to make list in my head or I’ll forget something I have to pick up at the store or do for my mom, I will make the wrong financial decision about whether we should move or not, I’ll forget something I need to do for my daycare (home business) kids or their parents, I’ll neglect my family, I need to go over and over things in my head because new ideas come up when I’m thinking so I’ll miss something really important and screw up, I could go broke if I do not think things through about my fiances, I’ll look like/be like an animal more and more and people will think I’m weird and reject me…I will be doing more blogging and exposing my inadequacies as a writer/lack of vocabulary/poor writing and spelling skills and fail in front of everyone at Desteni and online.

The Positive: If I stop participating in thoughts maybe I won’t age or get sick/maybe I’ll be able to ‘read’ people and they’ll think I’m special/maybe I’ll be able to really assist and support others.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as ‘fear of not thinking/not participating in thoughts’,  be directed by the following reactions: emotions: fear, frustration, confusion, impatience, self-doubt AND feelings: anticipation, excitement, curiosity, hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as fear of not participating in thoughts, experience the following physical reactions/ behavioral changes in my body: shallow breathing, pain in  upper back, pain on the top sides of my head/slight headache,  a tightening in the chest area. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not realize this reaction is a built in protection and defense mechanism of the mind, to keep me enslaved and on a preprogrammed life path, it is used so I do not self-realize/transcend the mind, so the mind is ‘fighting for it’s survival’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage my imagination –have moving images/movies playing in my mind–imagining how I would be with no mind as a zombie, who cannot speak or move and is dirty and unkept with ragged clothes and hair, also of someone who is more like a wild animal sniffing around and not speaking and has spiky hair and lives on the street, of people noticing how odd I am and avoiding me/keeping away from me because they think I’m nuts. As well, the opposite (lol) of being some guruish character, well respected and sought out for advice, with long robes, sandles, no make up and long straight hair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not realize the consequence of my own fear of stopping participation in thoughts/not thinking, as allowing myself to continue existing as a system-of consciousness-an organic robot -letting this preprogramed robot lead the way, dragging me down with all the drama of my life/life story. As well the consequence of not being able to truly see/hear/support others in my life/world because I cannot hear them because I am so occupied by my own mind of internal chatter/imaginings.

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