In the last few post I looked at the point of my blame within the ‘dutiful housewife’ role. In this post I want to look at one specific point, that occurred on the same evening in which we had friends over for dinner; a very strong reaction of anger toward my husband and our friend in which I had the thought, ‘men think I’m stupid’. We were discussing head shaving, as standing as a point of personal protest against the current world money systems and I felt like they were not understanding my points as they kept repeating their same arguments over and over to me, as if I did not comprehend what they were saying, which I did, I just did not agree. I felt a huge wave of rage/anger rise up from within me, a frustration and I recall thinking, ‘he must think I’m a complete idiot, as if I don’t get what he’s saying, he thinks I’m of ‘average’ intelligence at best’.
From what I am learning through DIP, one of the Desteni Online courses and my participation within Desteni, is that this reaction is within me-physically a part of me and therefore, my responsibility to face and rid myself of, as theses are mirror relationships and can assist in my process of self-awareness if I can face them, seeing the blame/projection/ judgements through my own interpretation/guessing what others are thinking -mirroring what is inside of me back to myself! And that, in my reaction I spew out onto another instead of simply explaining what is coming up from within me/how I am experiencing myself in that moment and asking the other/referencing with the other to see, if in fact, I am right/where they are actually coming from.
Lots of memories come up, of when I was a child, particularily a picture of my father and one of his friends, both whom I was afraid of. I had the impression they thought I was cute/pretty but not significant as a person/could be overlooked/did not deserve attention as I would have nothing of much value to add to anything, except if it was superficial.
There exist within/as me then and to this day a ‘feeling’/impression that ; there are some girls/women who are heard/respected, allowed to speak up, but that it is /was NOT ME, I was not one of them and connected to this thinking is the memory of my Mom’s warning, ‘It’s best not to say anything, it just makes things worse.’
With the afraid little girl in me, however, there exist the strong rebel character and in that moment, when I thought my husband and our friend thought I was stupid, I went SWITCH into becoming the ‘fuck it’ character like ‘I don’t care’ and just letting it fly, all those years of having to stay silent in the face of obvious inner and outer abuse, that I saw in my home and world and knew was wrong, I saw represented in those 2 men sitting in front of me.
How many times did I (have to) suppress myself throughout my childhood? What did this do to my physical body/health. Maybe that’s the reason I found myself in fits of screaming, literally screaming, when I was good and drunk, alone (no kids homes) late at night and when I was twice incarcerated for drunkenness. It was weird, like even when I was screaming-just the sound/like getting the build-up over years of energy out,no words-I would say to myself/inner thoughts, ‘I’m screaming, oh well’ and I would feel quite calm but just wanna SCREAM, so I did. That’s ok when your alone but quite another when you are in the nut house, as they are reluctant to let you out the next day, woooops.
To continue: self-forgiveness and realizations
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Mind Control, Amazingly cool documentaries to watch that explain in Detail how we got here: