I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become/ allow myself to be possessed by this single thought, ‘men think I’m stupid’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as the ‘men think I’m stupid’ character beLIEve this thought to be true.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I believed my father when he insinuated (or just plain said it) that his children did not seem very capable/smart/competent compared to other children/teens and subsequently carried this overriding feeling within and as me, as being seen by men as ‘not good enough’/inferior, which when it comes up I blame/project it onto another as they think I’m stupid/will reject me/don’t like me, instead of facing myself, by explaining what I am experiencing in the moment, and simply asking them, is this at all valid? At least then it is clear and I am not in my mind of guessing/interpretation but dealing with facts, so as one can deal with the facts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as the ‘men think I”m stupid character’, to not realize I am being controlled by my mind of/as fear coming up/arsing within, me in moments unaware, from the past as memories of my father when he would speak to me/my siblings in a harsh tone and words and in this, the fear that if these men think I am stupid they will not ‘like’ me/not value me as a person/respect or take me seriously/I will not be heard and they will reject me. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am connecting such memories to fearing they will ultimately reject me, being directed by self-interest, of my own well being that I may be left alone to fend for myself without the support and company of a life partner and/or friend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as fear, that maybe they are right, that I am wrong/stupid and doubt my ability to speak up/make my point heard and that perhaps I should just stay Sandy the quiet /shy little girl and not risk the possible abandonment of the men in my life, by using my voice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in backchat/voices in the head/inner chatter telling me; This guy must think I”m a complete idiot, as if I don’t get what he is saying! I should be quiet, no screw them, I’ve been quiet long enough, they don’t care about you anyway so just go for it, he only wants me to make money and look pretty, I listen to them endlessly at these dinner parties so they can listen to me for a few minutes, why did I bother wasting my time preparing for this evening, I listen many times even when I disagree with them so why can’t they do the same for me now and be respectful/polite-oh yeah because they don’t respect me or care if they hurt my feelings, I can’t believe they are turning this around making me look ‘like the bad guy’ mocking me and making me feel lousy, he thinks he knows it all/is so smart, they don’t care about me at all.
Within this , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only concern myself with myself at that point in the evening, so as not to be present and hear what they (these 2 men) are actually saying/communicating to me but just isolate myself within my reaction from/of my own mind and to judge these 2 men as wrong, mean, typical, against me, uncaring in separation of myself!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when/as emotions arise within me, completely taking control/possessing me, of : anger, resentment, hate, suspicion, inferiority as well as superiority lol, fear of being verbally assaulted and judgement-thinking some men are too stupid to understand/accept the point of equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of how my reactions of emotions were subsequently affecting my physical body/behavior in causing the following changes; shortness of breath, my jaw tightening and clenching, a fight or flight stress response of increased heart rate, a general tightening of my chest muscles, stomach upset/nausea.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I participated in further separation in thinking there is a certain ‘kind’ of man that I like/trust more than others, mainly not like my Dad, particularily when he was drinking and I saw him as mean, frightening, controlling. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also go into a complete fantasy while this dinner conversation was going on, in which I imagined leaving my husband and having an apartment of my own and thinking then I won’t be bullied by ‘men like that’ and imagine living in peace on my own or meeting a man who believes in absolute equality, strengthening my mind of/as imagination instead of myself here!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of engaging in my mind instead of remaining present/here with breath during our dinner conversation of; strengthening my mind as the conscious and subconscious, not being able to be fully aware and really engage in a meaningful or supportive way-as behaving and treating others how I would want to be treated in the same situation with patience and fairness and just let it go, as in not having to ‘win’ or sulk because they ‘got the better of me’, not being able to really hear them after a certain point as I was too busy lost in my mind of emotions and reactions and thinking about what to say next to ‘get my point across’, not exemplifying the Desteni message of oneness and equality and being fully physical (not a mind system) so as to not stand as complete stability in each moment, as someone they could trust, at some point, to inquire about how to transcend the mind, and lastly, I timeloop myself and have to face this point, of thinking and following the thought, ‘men think I’m stupid’ over and over again until I am able to trust myself not to engage/participate in the mind, breathe through it, when it comes up.
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Mind Control, Amazingly cool documentaries to watch that explain in Detail how we got here: