In this post I am deconstructing my reaction of guilt about a decision I made a week ago, to let go of one of my clients. I have a small daycare in my home and I told the parent of one of the children, as of December 1st, I can no longer look after her child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘K is a difficult child. I can’t continue to look after her and it’s just too early in the morning when she arrives.’
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then become guilt and, as guilt, be plagued by the following thoughts, ‘I am a bad person/caregiver to give up on this child, her Mom is a single mom like I was and I am not supporting her, I’m just lazy and don’t like getting up early, she’s not that bad maybe I was exaggerating, perhaps I misinterpreted or judged her mother’s words to me incorrectly-I should have spoken up/clarified a few points with the Mom, my husband will not like it that I am earning less, that ‘s a lot of money I just gave up, now I have to replace the income and its’ not that easy.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am letting fear lead me/direct me, in the fear of survival as my income is reduced, fear of losing the financial support of my
partner/husband because he could leave me because I am not efficient/capable contributor to the union, fear I will get a bad reference from the parent of the child I am letting go, fear of being a ‘bad’ person/seen by others or a higher force as a
bad person and I would somehow have to ‘pay’ for being perceived in a negative way, like it would come back to haunt me, fear of not being liked by the mom and child and get a bad reputation/they would tell others I was a ‘bad ‘ caregiver.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when there are moving pictures in my mind, as my imagination/fantasies playing out, in this situation, imagining the mom gossiping about me /speaking badly of me to other parents, her and I arguing, my husband giving me the cold shoulder/bad vibes because we have less income, e-mailing the mom explaining further why I made the decision, imagine a re-play in my mind of when the mom spoke to me, saying her daughter thought I was favoring the other children and picking on her , in which I really tell her off/like it is and not all nice and diplomatic like I did it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there was a running dialogue going on in my mind as a voice in the head/inner conversation that I related to/was unaware of and accepted as myself, but is not me as it comes automatically and is not self directed (like all of a sudden having music in your mind). This continual/constant ‘stream of consciousness’ is a program and I the programmer during the first 7 years of life (along with parents and inherited genes/dna as the memories of generations gone by). This conversation was full of spite/anger/fear driven by GUILT: are you kidding me , your kid is a complete pain in the behind, it seems like I favor the others because she is always the one causing the trouble! I have given 110% to your child not the other way around, screw them I am so glad she is not coming anymore, typical the one you give more to, complains, I shouldn’t have given up on her, I really do love the little kid, oh god my husband won’t like this, how long until he starts giving me the cold shoulder ’cause I’m not earning enough, I wish I could just get a place on my own, I’m so trapped here with my husband, I wish we would move so I didn’t have to work, what if I don’t find someone to replace her, why do I always undo the stability I create/sabotage myself ? she (the mom) was all nice to me when I used to do extra babysitting for her, then when I said I can’t do extra she started showing another side and was critical of me, enough, I’m dumping them before they dump me, I should of trusted myself last summer when I thought I’d tell the Mom I can’t take her this year.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I reacted with the emotions of guilt, anger, fear, regret and sadness as these thoughts would swirl around in my mind and the feelings of love and affection for the child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how these emotions and feelings subsequently caused the following changes in my physical body of; shortness of breath, tightness/constricting of my chest muscles, pain in upper back and shoulders, an overall feeling of unstability/weakness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of my thinking and the guilt that was causing me to go in circles in my mind-quite quickly over and over- as I doubted my decision; as I participate in my mind/imagination I am strengthening my mind and not the standing of myself as the directive principal of me -here! As well, as I participated in this wheel of guilt I got myself more and more in a state of fear -of the future- which is not even real and over exaggerated , I then speak out of turn to my husband when I am not clear but full of emotion and this causes friction between us, with the running in circles of fear & guilt- I needed to ‘justify’ my decision and so judged the mother and child in my mind, in separation of myself, and imagined them disliking/judging me, again strengthening the mind of separation by not speaking to real people in the physical to solve situation (battles in the mind-insane) or writing out a conflict I am experiencing (as I am now) to actually see on paper what is going on inside the battle ground of my mind and not torturing myself any longer and being stable within my decision or stable within some action I want to take.
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