Day 68: I Feel So Guilty!

I feel so guilty

Please read Day 67 for context to this blog.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I begin to going into thoughts, specifically  a picture of the child in my mind as the first thought, about how I do not want to be the caregiver for this child anymore. In that, I commit myself to stop myself  from participating in the emotion of guilt and the subsequent thoughts that follow, as I now see/realize/understand to engage in this emotion is useless as it does not change my decision, which I considered  for a very long time, as far back as last summer, I stop and  take a deep breath in and out, I bring myself back to the physical and get on with my day.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop allowing my mind, as fear of survival with regards to
money and ego, direct me and so in moments I find myself going into fear I stop, I breathe and remind myself I no longer allow my mind to control me, doubting my decision making abilities, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself when I am in a mind possessed state/paralyzed or going backward, on my decisions, because of fear, if I am concerned, I remind myself when I have the time, I can sit and focus on re-visiting a decision, within a stable starting point of breath here, so I am certain it is not my mind that is directing a decision but myself in awareness.

I commit myself to not allow myself to go into my mind with all sorts of fantasies/imaginings,else  unaware it is even occurring, so I commit to slowing down and remind myself I do not
want to be directed by spite and engage in guessing/interpreting another’s actions/words, in separation of myself, by having revenge fantasies as I now see/realize/understand all imaginings are unexpressed emotions, therefore when/if I find this occurring, I commit to stop and bring myself back to my physical body with breath and to then find a time to sit and write it out, self-honestly, looking at the emotions I have suppressed to rid them from my physical body as memories/thoughts (embedded in the flesh), that are re-surfacing/coming up from the past, as how I am interpreting this situation in the present–but are not reality at all and of no use to me or anyone else involved.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, whenever I find I am participating in inner chatter/backchat that is nasty about this situation and to stop and breathe and not allow it to continue as I now see/realize/understand if I have something I want to communicate, I can do it in the physical and not talk shit inside my head about another being who is not even there to defend themselves, it is only strengthening my mind instead of remaining here in reality/the physical and I commit to strengthening my stand to live as a fully physical being, directing myself, as life here, one and equal to the mom and child I was gossiping about in my secret mind!

I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop all relating to /engaging in emotions and feelings bombarding me around letting this client go, as I now see/realize/understand letting emotions and feelings lead me, only weakens my awareness and resolve to remain here out of my mind, I cannot trust these reactions as they are all mixed up with interpretation, based on memories, as past experiences. Instead I stop, I breathe and bring myself back down to earth and remind myself I am a physical being , not a mind, and I am here, not in the past, I also remind myself I do not need to feel bad, guilt, sad, as the child has a new, very kind caregiver and we will see them daily at the school yard , I do not control other beings but I was respectful and did a very good job taking care of the child, my husband will not leave me because I lost a client as he is patient and knows I will do my best to replace the income asap. I am grateful for my day and I get back to focus on the task at hand.

I commit myself to be aware whenever I have let the mind go so far as making changes in my physicality around this situation, by being swept away in a fantasy, following thoughts, as inner conversation inside my head, and then and the subsequent emotions and feelings that come up-leading to the behavioral physical changes. And so I commit to bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical reality in which I live, as I now see/realize/understand to participate only serves to further feed the mind, as it transforms the physical energy into mind energy, which it requires to keep existing and expanding –this energy `mined`extracted from the physical body. As well, existing as this mind energy being, instead of a physical being, only pushes me further away from a real relationship with others in my life as I am not able to see or communicate clearly to another in this state.

I commit myself to stop myself from going so far as to manifest consequences in my physical body, to torture myself with guilt, to doubt my ability to assess a situation and come to a reasonable/common sense conclusion and follow it through no matter what others may think and stop being a people pleaser, as I now understand it does not serve myself or the others involved, as I am not  being self-honesty, in that moment, but only being directed by self-interest as of fear of  survival.

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