Day 69: Relatives and Spite

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I was dropping by my sister’s place to pick up a key for our mom, who is in the hospital, when her adult children pulled up. We were just in the driveway outside of our car, as there was no one home and we knew there would not be. They seemed very quiet and distant and unfriendly. They had been out for brunch with my sister and their Dad and all meeting back at home (two live outside the home) to spend the afternoon together. It was awkward and it seemed they did not want to invite us in, when we did not intend to go in anyway. I felt a strong reaction/movement within me, like surprise mixed with anger, and it brought up a very nasty memory (the cottage memory) of about 4 years ago at the old ‘family cottage’, which my sister now owns.  I had dropped by the cottage, after my uncles funeral, I believe to see if my mom or sister were there, and I had walked in and not knocked. They gave me the cold shoulder like, ‘this is our place , do not just walk in’. Of course I understand but I am never there and I was not thinking, it was summer and the screen door was open and I had walked in there one million times before, and I shoulda’ knocked, so sue me.   Ownership is such a hoax, firstly my parents bought and build the place, they did not, and second I live 150 miles from there, I only came for the funeral. I was shocked and angry and sad. Family and money, 2 nasty mother systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become spite.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as spite, to think, ‘What’s up with the cold treatment? I don’t understand my relatives, I don’t know what they are thinking, I’ll just stay away, it’s easier.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am being directed by fear,  my mind, as the base/foundation of my thinking, in that I am afraid they don’t like me, my sister doesn’t like me because of the past (I had told her I was happy for her and her family that they now owned the cottage but sad that I no longer owned it for myself and my family/I had told my nephew I was sad his ex-wife was not around anymore when he introduced me to his new girl friend,  some incidences from when I was drinking) and that they speak badly of me behind my back and this ‘hurts’ my ego because I do not deserve this, as well fear that they misunderstand me, think I am jealous of them owning the cottage, which was true but no longer is, and the fear that I could lose this family connection and become isolated, so fear of loss/rejection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose my self-awareness in moments and get lost in my mind of imagination/moving pictures, in which I have revenge/spiteful fantasies of telling them I don’t care about the stupid cottage, it is just a little house on a lake and millions of people don’t have even one house, and thereby imagining me being somehow superior to them, in that I don’t need or want extra but they do, so they are superficial and greedy and I am humble and real. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also imagine telling them off, that I did not want to come in and interrupt a family time, no need to be cold as I don’t care, I only came by to do a favor for their grandmother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was engaging/participating in all kinds of nasty/spiteful backchat, inside my secret mind, projecting, exactly what I was accusing them of, spitefulness, as what  I have suppressed inside of myself, which is not their fault/responsibility but my own, ‘You don’t know me, you are not better/superior to me because your parents have more money than I do, I don’t care about the cottage, I don’t want to be here either, I don’t have any desire to around you either if you’re all going to be cold/unfriendly, you can’t even say a warm hello and hug, what’s wrong with this family` as I assumed they looked at me with disdain/judgement and I imagined they secretly thought, ‘you don’t belong here, leave, you are not welcome here, you are a nuisance and in the way, you are old-the older generation and therefore not important/relevant anymore, we don’t want to talk/socialize with you, we just put up with it at holidays. ‘

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was then possessed/taken over by my mind of/as energy, specifically a barrage of emotion-all stemming from my mind of guessing/interpreting/assuming what they were experiencing/thinking and not REALITY as I did not clarify with them ‘Hey, whats going on? You guys seem really quiet’ of :  anger, suspicion,  fear, dislike, spite,  resentment,  feeling indignant and then later of inferiority, regret, shame about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience the following physical body changes/behaviors: there was  like a wave that swept up my body-extremely quick- of energy (interestingly it ‘feels’ the same as excitement) and then a tightness in my chest like being gripped, shortness of breath, constricting of my throat, a tenseness in my stomach muscles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subject myself to the following consequences; I harm my physicality by engaging in emotions as  energy, this physical  energy consuming the flesh-to turn into mind energy to further fuel the mind consciousness systems keeping them charged and alive, and thereby to continue controlling me as the mind, I become a victim, isolated in my mind/paranoid as if these people are against  me when I do not, in fact, know what they were thinking (if anything at all), I strengthen my mind as energy instead of expressing me here/standing speaking/voicing any confusion/concerns I have in the physical and I risk losing the relationships with my relatives when I have so much suppressed, negative, emotion that I am carrying within me, as I will become reactive when we are together or won’t want to engage in conversation with them or just won’t go to the family functions.

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