To quantify my process, from a mind being to re-birthing myself as a completely physical, real, being, I am experimenting with 2 changes to my JTL (Journey To Life) blogs. Today, I begin a daily process of identifying a reaction with the corresponding character so, I will look at the ‘sad friend’. As well, after each self-forgiveness statement I will write the commitment statement -right below-instead of making a separate blog of the commitment statements in the next blog. Subsequently, there may be more than one blog for each character to get through all the dimensions of a thought to transcend the thought!
A very good, lifelong friend of mine recently had brain surgery that went horribly wrong. She experienced massive bleeding in her brain and is paralyzed on her right side and she cannot speak. There is hope for partial recovery, the doctors simply told her husband, ‘we’ll have to wait and see how much she gets back’. She was a vibrant, energetic, busy woman enjoying her life before she went into the surgery, not to mention a truly kind, considerate human being, and it breaks my heart to see her lying in that hospital bed and it is very difficult to leave her there. I go visit her on Sundays so I have seen some progress over my three visits. Nonetheless, I have had many ‘negative’ reactions in the last week around this issue and even though I was thinking I don t need to write this experience out, her picture/face keeps popping up in my mind and a heaviness in my body, so I will deconstruct this mind energy now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘the sad friend‘.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the sad friend,’ think, ‘Poor B. It’s so sad what has happened to to her’. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve this thought as real, to have it exist within and as me and to form a connection between sad/tragic to B.
I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop all such thinking and connecting B. with the words sad/tragic because of her surgery and the recovery process ahead, as I now see/realize/understand this thought is useless as it does not assist B. in any way, there are many factors I am not considering such as; whether the outcome for the initial reason for the surgery was a success-this is what she wanted, I am dooming B. to hopelessness/helplessness with my projection of fear ‘for her’ when her smile and eyes do not show me that at all, she could recover fully or more than expected, she may realize many things through this physical trial that she would not have otherwise (ie.personal growth/expansion), she would not appreciate being looked at with pity/as a pathetic character. In that, I commit to seeing the same person when I visit her in the hospital or her home and treating her the same as I always would.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am being completely possessed/directed by fear within this thought, as well, I was afraid she wasn’t going to make it, so fear of death and now I am afraid for her future: how will she cope, how will this affect her life span, will she suffer other health effects, what about her children, how will she deal with everything, have fun, run and dance, what about her marriage, what if she is left, what about when all her support wears off, how will she get up the stairs. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by self-interest in that I don t want to have to worry about her and I am afraid for me; what if this happens to me, oh god, I don’t want that to ever happen to me or my children.
I commit myself, to stop myself, whenever I find I am in anyway being directed by fear within my relationship my friend B. , I stop , I breathe and bring myself back to the physical and stand firm in stopping all participation as /within energy as fear as I now see/realize/understand how utterly useless it is, I do not control who lives and dies and I also realize death is a form of transition, also my fear actually does the opposite to what would be assisting/supportive to B. in this situation, it keeps me stuck in the past, keeps me limited in what can occur with healing and in a box of ‘oh now she is different/an invalid/how sad and pathetic’. I commit to stand and treat B. as I would want to be treated/considered, in this situation, with the same respect /consideration/equality as all life and no longer with/through fear/fear of death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was getting lost in my mind of moving pictures/imagination; projecting into the future/memories of the past/worrying about my upcoming visit/letting my ego get in the way because of the past and worrying about what other woman (on the e-mail list) think of me, specifically; B. in a wheelchair in her home, her needing to move and a picture of a new home, running into some women in the hospital who do not like me-which is my mind controlling me in self-interest, a funeral, the other women doing things for that she really likes and I am not as supportive in comparison-which is being directed by competition and self-interest, imagining others reading my e-mail replies and judging them as wrong/bad/inappropriate (I am on an e-mail list)-again self-interest.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop myself from engaging in my imagination, unaware in moments, getting lost in memories, imagining the future and worrying about her in the present as I now see/realize/understand to do so is to allow the mind, of/as energy to be the directive principal of me here and so I cannot effectively direct myself, clear of any energy of the past, standing in absolute stability and that is how I will be of greatest support to B. I also realize it is not reality but a constant/continuous stream of pre-programed energy called ‘consciousness‘ and as such I am not real but a organic robot playing the part of the ‘sad friend’ and so I commit to stop and breathe through such imaginings,not follow them but bring myself back to the physical, and I make the statement, ‘B. is busy healing/B. is in her process of recovery’. I remind myself I am supporting her in the physical with weekly visits and talking to her about the importance of breath, which I will continue to do. I get on with my day.
To be continued
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