From the previous blog: A very good, lifelong friend of mine recently had brain surgery that went horribly wrong. She experienced massive bleeding in her brain and is paralyzed on her right side and she cannot speak. There is hope for partial recovery, the doctors simply told her husband, ‘we’ll have to wait and see how much she gets back’. She was a vibrant, energetic, busy woman enjoying her life before she went into the surgery, not to mention a truly kind, considerate human being, and it breaks my heart to see her lying in that hospital bed and it is very difficult to leave her there. I go visit her on Sundays so I have seen some progress over my three visits. Nonetheless, I have had many ‘negative’ reactions in the last week around this issue and even though I was thinking I don t need to write this experience out, her picture/face keeps popping up in my mind and a heaviness in my body, so I will deconstruct this mind energy now.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand –that I am having a conversation in my own mind, voices talking to me and this conversation just keeps coming up, of some of the following; oh god, she may have to be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, like my cousin, V. (her husband) could leave her, he’s decent probably not, gets harder as the years go on though, why did she do this surgery, she was whole before, now she is a burden, how will she cope, how boring for her…’
I commit myself to stop all such inner chatter the moment it starts so as to not engage but to say STOP and remind myself to breathe and remain here, present and focus on what is before me in the physical as I now see/realize/understand these are MY thoughts/projections/assumptions , all fear based, for her and NOT reality as her husband is an awesome person who loves her and they are a family, the same as before the surgery, I am assuming the worst and there has been some improvement in B.’s condition just over the last few days, my inner chatter does not change reality and just leads to emotions that can harm me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I am letting my mind of/as emotion be in charge/control of moments, where I have got completely lost in fear (see in detail the previous blog, Day 71), and guilt in that I am able to walk out of that hospital room and carry on with life and she is not & guilt in that I did not ‘take it too seriously’ when she told me about the upcoming operation, worry about B.’s future as a possible ‘invalid’ and worry that she will not survive this ordeal, and anxiety/dislike of people from my past who I am in some contact with as I am on an e-mail list.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to no longer accept and allow these energies, as emotions of fear, guilt, worry, anxiety possess me in moments unaware but when this occurs to stand and make the statement NO, I stop the participation in these mind energies and focus on one breath at a time , in the physical, being here with and as life as I now see/realize /understand to participate takes me further into the mind and indeed strengthens the mind as energy, consuming the flesh and embedding itself as a memory deeper within the very cells of my physical body, B. is in a healing process that will take many months and I cannot judge her process/progress and it will be whatever it will be, ‘invalid’ is a word which brings up several pictures/thoughts/emotions of helplessness/hopelessness and I commit to not use this word in connection to B., she is getting stronger each day, I took her seriously enough as the operation should have been only medium serious–most are successful with no complications but she had a massive brain hemorrhage after they closed her up and the surgeons had to go back in to stop the bleeding, I do not have to stay on the e-mail list as I can ask to be removed, some of the anxiety I have is based on the past, memories as experience, and is clouded with my assumptions/guessing, I can go visit one of these women and reference with her about an issue–so in the physical–instead of becoming paranoid in my mind, I do not need to ‘worry’ about others liking me as I now realize, this fear, people can pick up on and it pushes them away because they have the same fear (of being disliked)-just suppressed- and they do not want to be around it and so to realize we are all the same in equality.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how my mind participation is harming/effecting my very physicality within the following behavioral changes: an uneasy feeling in my stomach, an energetic reaction in my solar plexus of anxiety, tension/tightness in my stomach, shoulders and upper back and neck/throat area, tension/ache in the back of my neck and lower head, a wave of energy up my upper spine like fear, shallow breathing.
I commit myself to stop myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, in allowing these bodily changes to happen but when/if they do I stop, I breathe and bring myself out of my mind of emotion and state ‘NO I am not participating‘ and I continue breathing until I am free of these reactions as I now see/realize/understand I am not solving anything/changing anything by blindly not taking responsibility for my own body but by standing firm in my commitment to remain stable in breath I can move myself/direct effectively here, in the physical and out of the mind of energy reaction.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how my mind participation has consequences of ; harming my physicality, making it seems unpleasant/fearful going to visit B., not wanting to participate in the e-mail updates when I appreciate getting the updates from others, on B.’s progress, so isolating/hiding, possibly misunderstanding some of the communication from others I have know in my past, who are on the e-mail list, focusing on my own self-pity from the past and not on B.’s health and healing. As such, I now see/realize/understand it is my responsibility what goes on inside of me (in my mind and body) and I cannot allow myself to blame/project on anyone or anything (circumstance) else.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to trust myself here-not mind of energy putting me forward in time as in the future or back in time as in memories of the past, in fear and self-interest, and so to not create unnecessary consequences of not wanting to visit my friend or going into fear of being disliked, as I now see/realize/understand I do enjoy my visits, it is not about me but supporting/assisting others, B. and her family, during this very difficult period and it does not matter if some people don’t like me, as I am just here in breath, one and equal to all in existence and I can better serve others if I stand as a stable example of this.
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