Day 73: It’s Your Fault ! ‘The Angry Friend’

Heal Yourself: Free Couse
Heal Yourself

392333_318874761463555_100000231023784_1300311_231444571_n

Recently, I had a very strong reaction to a e-mail I received from a woman on an e-mail thread/list I am part of, for a mutual friend in the hospital. We have not spoken in many years, nine years I believe, so, it’s kind of awkward/uncomfortable  to be on an e-mail group list together. It is a group of women whom I have not had contact with, 4 of them, who made the decision to exclude me from their get togethers and all other contact as I did not apologize in person after I had been quite plastered at a xmas gathering (not the first time). I quit drinking for good shortly after that  (3 or 4 months) and have not had a drink in almost 9 years.

Unfortuantly, I was very sick, mentally and physically, and took the advice from my ‘sponsor’ to ‘leave it/ not contact them until you are more clear/strong‘  but after 6 months I felt I should say /do something, so she assisted me in writing a very brief note (which is what my sponsor again suggested)  saying I was sorry to each, all the same. I did not have the courage/humility to face them, I assumed they would judge me/interrogate me and I was not ‘up to it’ at that time. I was full of fear and basically fucked up for many reasons.

I always intended to apologize as well in person and discuss/answer any questions they had. However, time passed and it became less and less important to me. I thought it was rather nasty/spiteful of them (I heard through the grapevine they did not accept my apology) and I moved on.

My recent strong emotional/physical reaction has made me realize, I have alot of unresolved anger sitting in and as my physical body, in the very cells of my physical, around this issue and I will face this here in this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anger. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as anger, to not realize this person’s name appearing in my e-mail, set off a strong reaction, which grew, as I read the e-mail, but even just her name brought up an emotional reaction in my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had become, in that moment, a character, on automatic pilot and no longer life here, but controlled by memories as past experience–I became ‘the angry friend’ and as the angry friend thought, ‘I dislike this woman very much. She is not trustworthy and her friendship is fake.’

I commit myself to assist and support myself, to be aware of each moment in breath and so  to ‘catch’ the first thought of, ‘I do not like/trust this woman’  as it arises and refuse to participate, so I stop and bring myself back to the physical with/as breath, as I now see/understand to follow the first thought leads me into consciousness and the subsequent, inevitable sequence of anger/bitterness that follows and is in itself a broken record of the past and useless and just creates further mind bullshit and blame.  I realize I no longer accept and allow myself to judge this woman, in separation of myself, through the mind, but see her as one and equal in the physical, as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am, in these instances, being directed/controlled by fear, fear of rejection/of being disliked and fear of facing myself and the consequences I have created from my alcoholism and I am pushing this fear away from me, in denial, by projecting/blaming this woman for my reaction in dislike/indignation because she has ‘done me wrong and I am right to blame her’.

I myself commit to stop myself from participating/engaging in this emotion of fear of rejection from another in relation to any e-mail communication  with this woman, so when I see this occurring I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand I am doing what I am accusing her of ; judging her, rejecting to her in my mind, blaming her, disliking her When in Reality I am only assuming/guessing and do not know, in fact, her reaction/thinking. I also realize I do not control others but am responsible for myself and what occurs within me. And so I point the finger back at myself and face myself in writing, self-forgiveness and a self-corrective application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I have gone full blown into my mind of fantasy/imagination with pictures, dialogue, of memories or possible play outs of being further wronged, if these women were to gossip about me, or revenge type play outs where I come out appearing strong/the winner and they look nasty, spiteful and superficial when in reality I was the one who created the situation, by being drunk at a party, all those years ago.

I commit myself to, assist and support myself, to stop myself  from the mind energies of wanting/needing to ‘go there’ as in my mind to ‘get my revenge’ so I may ‘feel better’ about myself , my past and not just see it for what it is, our mutual friend is in need and we are all assisting and supporting her and so there is an overlap (as we are all on an e-mail list)/some communication between us for the first time in many years. I see/realize/understand it is useless and harmful to me and others,as it only creates more mind energy and ‘fuels the fires’ of dislike/anger, to engage in such imaginings inside my mind and take full responsibility for this to end. I also take responsibility for the situation, as it stands in it’s entirely, as it would not have occurred (our estrangement) if I had not been drinking heavily all those years ago, they probably felt they were ‘doing the right thing’ by not accepting a brief apology in a note and thought that I should meet with them in person to truly apologize (as I said above this was my intention-the note was to be an opener/beginning, if you will, not an end ) and so when/if this occurs, I stop, I breathe and bring myself out of my mind of memories/pictures/voices-the playing of a movie- and Back Down to Earth, I remind myself to focus on our friend who is ill  and carry on with my day.

Please consider a FREE online Course

 Desteni I Process Lite – Learn Practical Life Skills Online

Show your vote for a Life where all have value at www.equalmoney.org

Also, Please check out the following Links:

Desteni

Desteni Wiki

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Journey to Life Group

Eqafe Life Products – Self Help

Creation’s Journey to Life

Heaven’s Journey to LIfe

Earth’s Journey to Life

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* Life Review – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step 2

Show your vote for a Life where all have value at www.equalmoney.org

Advertisements

One thought on “Day 73: It’s Your Fault ! ‘The Angry Friend’

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s