Recently, I had a very strong reaction to a e-mail I received from a woman on an e-mail thread/list I am part of, for a mutual friend in the hospital. We have not spoken in many years, nine years I believe, so, it’s kind of awkward/uncomfortable to be on an e-mail group list together. It is a group of women whom I have not had contact with, 4 of them, who made the decision to exclude me from their get togethers and all other contact as I did not apologize in person after I had been quite plastered at a xmas gathering (not the first time). I quit drinking for good shortly after that (3 or 4 months) and have not had a drink in almost 9 years.
Unfortuatly, I was very sick, mentally and physically, and took the advice from my ‘sponsor’ to ‘leave it/ not contact them until you are more clear/strong‘ but after 6 months I felt I should say /do something, so she assisted me in writing a very brief note (which is what my sponsor again suggested) saying I was sorry to each, all the same. I did not have the courage/humility to face them, I assumed they would judge me/interrogate me and I was not ‘up to it’ at that time. I was full of fear and basically fucked up for many reasons.
I always intended to apologize as well in person and discuss/answer any questions they had. However, time passed and it became less and less important to me. I thought it was rather nasty/spiteful of them (I heard through the grapevine they did not accept my apology) and I moved on.
My recent strong emotional/physical reaction has made me realize, I have alot of unresolved anger sitting in and as my physical body, in the very cells of my physical, around this issue and I will face this here in this blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage/participate in backchat around this issue as: be careful what you write, they might not like it, I wonder if this is ok for a reply, they don’t like me anyway so what difference does it make, I don’t like them, they are nasty women, I never ‘got’ all the supposed lovey dovey feelings they all claimed we shared, she is totally inappropriate for what she wrote in the e-mail, how off base of her, she is so superficial and lacks any form of empathy proven in what she just wrote in that e-mail, they will gossip about me again, B. (mutual friend in hospital) shouldn’t trust their ‘kindness’, they are hypocrites, maybe I should call and apologize, no- that’s ridiculous on many levels.
I commit myself to stop all such backchat as voices in the head about this issue and to bring myself out of my mind, as past experience/memories and back down to earth/ the physical as I now see/realize/understand the backchat leads me down the rabbit hole, into the emotions and then physical bodily reaction which can harm, which is me allowing a memory of a past person have power/control over/of me. I also realize it is a waste of my time as it does not change the past, I do not know how much of it is actually true (as one tends to change the memories overtime to ‘come out looking better’) , it was my doing originally, as in I was the one who had the drinking problem/addiction, I have no right to judge these women in separation of myself and I gossiped about them in my mind and to my sponsor as much or more than they did, we all gossiped about each other over the years (I do not engage in this activity any longer), we did have many enjoyable times over many years, it is my responsibility to give up a desire to ‘be liked’ and I can be a part of the e-mail list and be self-honest, in the moment and not worry about another’s reaction to what I write.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the following emotions around this issue: anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, superiority, inferiority, blame, judgement and dislike.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop myself when these reactions of emotions arise and return myself to reality as/in the physical with breath, as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in these emotions I cannot effectively direct myself here as I allow them to ‘take me away’ out of the ‘now/present’ timezone and into the past as memories and so they are in control and I become a system, the organic robot of consciousness telling me who I am/how I should be, it is all clouded by time so I am reacting to something -how we all were- 9 years ago and I do not really know them now, I have changed and perhaps so have they, the emotions are energy reactions which can harm my physicality as the energy eats away at the flesh to turn it into further mind energy-strengthening my mind instead of me here, I wish no harm for any of them, but only an enjoyable and safe life, as we are all one and equal, as the flesh, here on the earth we all share.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit myself to the following behavioral changes (changes in the human physical body): a wave of energy speeding up my from the pit of my stomach into my chest, increase in heart rate, constricting of my chest muscles and tightening of my throat muscles, all which seems similar to a flight or fight response-brought on by fear-to retaliate-to do something (I thought about removing myself from the e-mail list) to protect myself from these women so they ‘can’t hurt me anymore’.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to stay with breath awareness so as to stop a thought from ‘going this far’, to become a physical response in my body but if /when I do let a thought go to this extent I commit to remind myself that this ‘fight or flight’ response is self-deception, as I was under no threat what so ever, it was all in my mind and so I get back to breath, out of my own way and down to reality, to what is here, I calm down and remind myself to be grateful for all I have and carry on with my day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subject to the following consequences with regards to my participation as ‘the angry friend’: I set up possible further misunderstanding between these women, I create these women as characters in my mind, ‘the mean girls’, who have harmed me and whom I am right to blame and not take any responsibility for my past actions, I beLIEve my mind of pictures, emotions, imaginings, as if I have not changed-within my own private mind- what really occurred in the past to suit my need/desire to be ‘right’/better than/absolved, I participate in the mind consciousnesses systems of polarities good/bad/inferior/superior etc. and thus separate myself from these women in equality here, I strength my mind and not my standing in absolute stability here, as an example for others to follow for self-realization and I ruin any chance of introducing others to the concept of an equal money system, as the solution to the devastating problems here on earth.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to free myself and others from the many consequences that result from mind participation and specifically around this issue of me acting as the angry friend. Thus, when I see this character rearing it’s head, I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in the mind I create consequences, which creates a time loop, so I am not facing myself in self-honesty in that moment and will have to re-walk this point of fear and blame, when I could simply slow down and face what has come up within myself- in this moment- so as to put an end to myself as ‘the angry friend’ forever.
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