I recently had another very strong reaction of anger, ’tis the season I suppose, seeing people one does not see on a regular basis and all sorts of shit comes flying up! I went to a AA ‘candle light’ meeting, which is a christmas celebration where each person share their ‘gratitude’. It was very enjoyable! It was my old ‘home group’ so I knew many people there and my daughter came as well and shared her gratitude for having a sober mom (can’t blame her!).
However, when I saw the woman, who had been my sponsor for over 2 years , and the regular group of women who were sitting with her , I had a very strong reaction, of emotions and movement within my physical body. Try as I might to tell myself this or that, there it was, old resentment/built up anger—SUPPRESSED within my very physical body. It was mostly related to the one woman who was my sponsor but I felt anger/resent toward the other women as well.
I will face this here, in this blog, so to be able to face these women, in self-honestly in the future, as one and equal, as the substance of the flesh, which we all are, none better/best/worse than the rest and not have nasty/vicious voices in the head, competing for my attention, fighting to survive, as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘angry ex-group member’ and as the ex-group member think, ‘ I dislike those women and I do not trust their friendliness.’
I commit myself to stop myself whenever this thought arises, and to breath and bring myself out of my mind and back to physical reality as I now see/realize/understand I am using my mind of memories, specifically a memory of this woman taking about other sponsees in the past and me wondering if she gossiped about me too and a memory of her at a christmas party a few years back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am being directed by fear within this thought, as in fear of being made fun of, fear of being gossiped about/not being liked AND FEAR OF SURVIVAL and so I go into defense mode so as to ‘protect myself’ which is actually protecting me as a character/personality-as the energy reaction-of the sexually repressed/embarrassed woman who is threatened by ‘dancers’ (one of them is a stripper/dancer) so it is fear of other women who will ‘take my man’ = take my companion and financial stability, wreck my marriage.
I commit myself to assist and support myself whenever I become aware that this negative energy of fear is possessing me and I stop and breath and remind myself I am physical and no longer find it acceptable to let an emotion tell me what to think/how to behave in this here moment as I now see/realize/understand this thinking and reaction of fear is not reality at all, there was no threat occurring in that moment when I saw these women, they were just sitting there participating in the meeting, and if my partner were to leave me for another, I would indeed survive and I do not need to project the past onto the present or the future by fearing it, when my husband is nothing like my ex-husband when it comes to this kind of issue.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had followed the first thought and gone into my mind of imagination when I saw these women at the meeting, specifically connecting this row of women to a memory of being made fun of at a xmas party, by the sponsor when she did not know I could hear her ( the woman who is a ‘dancer’/stripper put a ‘gift’ down her shirt that I was suppose to receive/open so I was suppose to get it). Previously, I had told this sponsor – in confidentiality-I did not particularly like strippers as my ex-husband had frequented strip joints over many years and I was uncomfortable with it, as it ‘hurt my feelings’ and I always wondered if he was unfaithful, which he was. She said to another group of women at this party, ‘I almost fell off my chair when you did that, I thought Sandy will have a fit’ kind of thing. I spoke up right away and said that is not true, I did feel that way in the past but had worked through the issue and realized it is not the women I was angry with but he ex-husband and I could see the humor in it, which was true, but the sponsor woman denied it and never admitted or apologized to me. I cut off the sponsor/sponsee relationship soon after.
I commit myself to stop all such participation/engagement in the mind of imagination/fantasy of the past and revenge fantasies where I imagine saying just the ‘right’ thing back to my ex-sponsor at that xmas party-in spite- and leaving right away-so changing the ending so I am the ‘victor/winner’ in comparison to her, as I now see/realize/understand this only further ‘fuels the fires’ of the mind consciouness systems, strengthening the mind instead of strengthening me here, I no longer accept/allow myself to be a slave who is controlled by a reaction when just seeing someone/group of people, setting off a chain of events as/within me that is not directed by me in that moment-so I am no longer life but a system on automatic. And so I stop and breathe and focus on what is being said at the meeting and realize I can be self-honest in the moment and say hello/share/offer assistance and support to these women when the formal meeting is over, instead of being inside my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was participating-unaware- in backchat/internal conversation in my own mind of: They are fake and superficial, Look at he way they dress, like barbie dolls, for attention from men and in competition with other women. One of them is a stripper for God’s sake. How does that fit with ‘an honest living program? I wonder if they will talk about me because I left the group/am not part of their little tight-knit clique anymore/I don’t dress like them anymore, I wonder if they say I look old/frumpy now that I don’t dress sleezy like them anymore, those stiletto heels are over the top, I’m so glad I don’t need to dress-up anymore, I am ‘ahead’ of them/superior/better/more wise, they are still enslaved to the mind’ And specifically about the woman who was my sponsor: she thinks she is smarter/ahead of me, what a joke, she is so small not to apologize/acknowledge she was wrong, I would have admitted it, she isn’t capable, let it go, oh god do I have to talk to her after the meeting, WTF she lied/betrayed me and now I have to be ‘the bigger person’ when I know she gossips about me behind my back saying all sort of crap that is not true…’ IN SEPARATION OF MYSELF.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to be aware of breath when I walk into a meeting and so as to catch the first thought and not follow it into fear, imagination and then backchat becoming completely controlled by my mind as I now see/realize/understand I am a complete hypocrite, doing in my secret mind, what I am accusing them of! Gossiping inside my own mind and not remaining stable as breath, so not exemplifying all that is of any value to me now. I no longer allow myself to participate in gossip-with others or within myself as my mind- but to treat others as I would want to be treated-love my neighbor as myself- so I stop and breath and get back to the physical and speak to them-not as/from the past-but here. I do not control others but am responsible for my own mind and so I can stop/control these useless and judgmental ramblings, I stay with breath for the meeting and remind myself, although I do not trust them (I can have context about the past without the use of the mind-as I ‘know’ they like to gossip but present a smiling face) I am one and equal to them and treat them as such.
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