For context please read Day 75, as this a continuation of that post.
I recently had another very strong reaction of anger, ’tis the season I suppose, seeing people one does not see on a regular basis and all sorts of shit comes flying up! I went to a AA ‘candle light’ meeting, which is a christmas celebration where each person share their ‘gratitude’. It was very enjoyable! It was my old ‘home group’ so I knew many people there and my daughter came as well and shared her gratitude for having a sober mom (can’t blame her!).
However, when I saw the woman, who had been my sponsor for over 2 years , and the regular group of women who were sitting with her , I had a very strong reaction, of emotions and movement within my physical body. Try as I might to tell myself this or that, there it was, old resentment/built up anger—SUPPRESSED within my very physical body. It was mostly related to the one woman who was my sponsor but I felt anger/resent toward the other women as well.
I will face this here, in this blog, so to be able to face these women, in self-honestly in the future, as one and equal, as the substance of the flesh, which we all are, none better/best/worse than the rest and not have nasty/vicious voices in the head, competing for my attention, fighting to survive, as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was becoming completely possessed by the following emotions upon seeing this group of women sitting together at the AA meeting: anger, resentment, blame, guilt, suspicion, dislike, a feeling of superiority, feeling indignant.
I commit myself to assist and support myself, to be aware of each moment in breath so as to not go so far as being taken over by emotions that can harm, if /when this occurs I stop, I breathe and remind myself I am a physical being and refuse to remain in my mind and I stand determined to not get lost again, as I now see/realize/understand these reaction are energy and they are based on illusion-as these emotions arose from past, as experience/memories- and so I am in fact delusional in that moment, if I have unfinished business/crap I have not healed/expressed that is my responsibility and I am wrong to blame another for what I am experiencing in that moment, the past cannot be changed so it is quite useless to delve into it in my mind (I can know/’ keep in mind’ what occurred in the past as a reference without using the mind of pictures and dialogues in my head), I am not superior as each can choose how to dress-I now prefer comfort and quality over style for example, I am not responsible for being someones teacher/savior however in an equal money capitalism world women (some men) will not have to compete with each other for the affection/attention of men as all will have enough for survival and more, I do not need to be suspicious or engage in the emotion of guilt as I already have a reference that these women gossip and make fun of others behind their back so, while I do not trust them, I can still love them/care as I love myself, however I do not prefer to spend time with them outside of some fellowship within the rooms of AA, I realize the sponsor woman is in her own process and I cannot hasten her growth by a reaction or treating her poorly in retaliation (war). Finally, I realize my reaction goes back to childhood and young adulthood, from being brought up by a mother who was quite conservative in her appearance and behavior and an unspoken but pervasive impression there are ‘good’ girls and ‘bad’ girls and you don’t want to be a ‘bad’ girl and so I had fear/insecurity/confusion around the whole sexual issue and it took me many years to become comfortable with sex/sexuality and this is not these women’s fault or issue, I realize this comes up from time to time but I am able to be aware of it now and not react to it–the prim and proper girl from the suburbs versus very suave working-or just promiscuously dressed-city girl, which is really good versus evil in the mind’s design of competition and polarities, I now understand this just further separates women/all human beings from one another (causes a mentality of woman against woman) and that is it’s only purpose and that we are all here together on this one earth EQUALLY IN FACT.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was participating in the following behavioral changes (changes in the human physical body): increase in heart rate, constricting of my chest muscles and tightening of my throat muscles, like a flight or fight response-brought on by fear-to retaliate-to do something (I thought about leaving the meeting) to protect myself (myself as a character/personality of the innocent woman who was wronged) from these women so they ‘can’t hurt me anymore’, fidgeting with my nails-which doesn’t happen if I am here with breath, shallow breathing.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stay with breath awareness so as to stop a thought from ‘going this far’, to become a physical response in my body but if /when I do let a thought go to this extent, I commit to remind myself that this ‘fight or flight’ response is self-deception, as I was under no threat what so ever, it was all in my mind and so I get back to breath, out of my own way and down to reality, to what is here, I calm down and remind myself to be grateful for all I have and focus on what is being said at the meeting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my participation as ‘the angry ex-group member’ has real consequences which I will/others will have to face, that there is a consequence to my body as the reactions of emotions that surface and let run wild , are energy reactions and this energy literally eats away at the flesh causing -over time-dis-ease, aging and pre-mature death! Other consequences being: I set up possible further misunderstanding between these women, I create these women as characters in my mind, ‘the mean girls’, who have harmed me and whom I am right to blame, while not taking any responsibility for my past characteristics as the naive/sexually repressed girl from the suburbs, I beLIEve my mind of pictures, emotions, imaginings, as if I have not changed-within my own private mind- what really occurred in the past to suit my need/desire to be ‘right’/better than/absolved, I participate in the mind consciousnesses systems of polarities good/bad/inferior/superior etc. and thus separate myself from these women in equality here, I strength my mind and not my standing in absolute stability here, as an example for others to follow for self-realization and I ruin any chance of introducing others to the concept of an equal money capitalism, as the solution to the devastating problems here on earth.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to free myself and others from the many consequences that result from mind participation and specifically around this issue of me acting as ‘the angry ex-group member’. Thus, when I see this character rearing it’s head, I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in the mind I create consequences, which creates a time loop, so I am not facing myself in self-honesty in that moment and will have to re-walk this point of fear and blame, when I could simply slow down and face what has come up within myself- in this moment- so as to put an end to myself as ‘the angry ex-group member’ forever.
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