I am in the middle of 2 weeks off over the christmas break, as I look after school age children for my income, and I had a list of things to accomplish during this period which I am constantly thinking about instead of doing, which is, once again, me embodying/living as the postponement character. I have also noticed my mind goes to `worrying` about weight gain and reducing sugar intake continuously and then I go get another cookie or treat of some kind. It seems small yet it keeps me occupied in my mind. The `jobs`I am postponing are: whitening my teeth (I initially put it off because you are to do it overnight and I could not sleep because of night sweats due to menopause, which is now resolved as I am taking estrogen, so I have `no excuse`anymore, lol) learning how to play the piano-keyboard, going for blood tests after my physical medical exam, starting hydrogen peroxide therapy, going for an eye exam, eating less sugar,and cleaning out the storage room in our basement. I will face myself as postponement here in this blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have become the postponement character. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as the postponement character, think, ‘I’ll start that/do that tomorrow, I don’t feel like doing it now.’
I commit myself to assist and support myself to be aware of this thought as/when it comes up in my mind and to then stop and breathe, and bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth, to what is here and just move-be physical and get it done. In that, I commit to choosing one task per day (of the above mentioned tasks I have been putting off) and to face them without a voice in my head telling me otherwise and to be absolutely stable and move my body in order to complete the task, having decided how much time to allot for the task in that day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am being controlled and manipulated by fear with allowing these thoughts of postponement to manifest in my mind, fear of facing a task I define as negative, as it will be a drag/not fun/boring and so I am afraid to move/do it now and so I put it off-so as to put off the feeling of dread instead of moving with breath and just doing it, no thoughts, no feelings required!
I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop all participation in fearing doing a task that is good for my health/needs to be done but that I have judged as negative/boring/a drag and so I commit to being aware when fear is in the drivers seat and not me, as the self-directive principal of my life in this moment, as I now see/realize/understand I have been allowing fear to boss me around, telling me what is good/bad/fun/boring/exciting/a drag–what I will experience–so as to create an energy experience within the task that needs to be performed and so letting energy decide. Thus, I commit to no longer let energy decide whether I move or not but I will now move me- here with breath- with no energy but just life/movement, getting the task done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in my mind of/as imagination of moving pictures inside my head and following them like they are real-as in me-when what is real is just what is before me in my day, and so I am watching this movie in which the first scene I am performing the task and not enjoying myself/being a drag (negative energy experience) and then switch to the second scene and I am having a snack/a smoke/going through my e-mail and it is quite enjoyable and easy and light (positive energy experience) and then my mind goes to , ‘well, that will be pleasant, I’ll just do that first’ and there you have the manifestation of me as postponement.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all such imaginings in my mind, using my imagination in moments unaware, letting it run on, manipulating myself using images of supposed fun/easy alternative tasks to replace what I am responsible for doing/facing in that moment within my day, mostly which are for my physical health and well being, and so I commit to stop and breathe and bring myself back to the physical and get on with the true task at hand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating/engaging in an inner dialogue coming from my mind of: F, it’s snowing and cold, dark and wet outside so I’ll go tomorrow, it’s too late it will be dark soon so I’ll go first thing in the morning, I’ll just this small task first and start that tomorrow, my husband doesn’t like that, this may make me feel sick so I’ll do it another time, this may make me loose some sleep so I’ll do it another time, I don’t want to, it’s gonna be hard/uncomfortable, it’s too early, I don’t want to do this ’cause it’s gonna be drag, I like my coffee first thing in the morning -I can’t wait to have it after some dumb blood test, I hate not being able to eat and drink what I want/when I want, I’ll do it later, it sucks to set up my keyboard upstairs, its hard to learn to play, it’s going to take so much time to learn this new chording, no one wants to hear me practice, I don’t like practicing, I don’t like changing my diet, I don’t want to change my diet, l looooove sweets, I can’t live without a treat/sweets, what will I look forward to? how will I enjoy life without sugar, wtf else /next will I have to give up, I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough/good enough/I’m a loser.’ And then replacing the negative chat with the positive energy chatter, ‘ It will feel good to have a nap/some tea and toast/a cigarette. a cookie would taste so good, um a fresh cup of tea.’
I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, be aware and stop all such backchat/inner conversation as I now see/realize/understand I am only manipulating myself in such moments, talking myself out of my responsibilities towards doing what needs to be done for my health/enjoyment/my home/my teeth.
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