This is a continuation of the previous blog Day 77. Please read for context. But I will include the first paragraph here for context as well.
I am in the middle of 2 weeks off over the christmas break, as I look after school age children for my income, and I had a list of things to accomplish during this period which I am constantly thinking about instead of doing, which is, once again, me embodying/living as the postponement character. I have also noticed my mind goes to `worrying` about weight gain and reducing sugar intake continuously and then I go get another cookie or treat of some kind. It seems small yet it keeps me occupied in my mind. The `jobs`I am postponing are: whitening my teeth (I initially put it off because you are to do it overnight and I could not sleep because of night sweats due to menopause, which is now resolved as I am taking estrogen, so I have `no excuse`anymore, lol) learning how to play the piano-keyboard, going for blood tests after my physical medical exam, starting hydrogen peroxide therapy, going for an eye exam, eating less sugar,and cleaning out the storage room in our basement. I will face myself as postponement here in this blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was becoming completely possessed by the following emotions as the NEGATIVE energy experience: fear, apathy, dread, frustration, boredom, depression, sadness, guilt, and shame AND THEN replacing them with the following feelings as the POSITIVE energy experience as an excuse to not follow through with my responsibilities as these tasks: relief, happiness, a lightness, ease, excitement and peace.
I commit myself to assist and support myself, to be aware of each moment in breath so as to not go so far as being taken over by emotions and then the subsequent feelings as I put off my task, if /when this occurs I stop, I breathe and remind myself I am a physical being and refuse to remain in my mind and I stand determined to not get lost again, as I now see/realize/understand these reaction are energy and they are based on illusion-as these emotions arose from past, as experience/memories- and so I am in fact delusional in that moment. And so I commit to not allow energy to manipulate me, decide for me in that moment what I will do, how I will move myself and how I will feel as I do not require to feel anything to get the task done but can in fact free myself from this enslavement of the mind with breath here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was participating in the following behavioral changes (changes in the human physical body): with the negative energy experience of the emotions: a heaviness in my whole body, feeling very tired, slumped with shoulders drooping, shallow breathing AND THEN suddenly, when my mind switched over, gave me an out, with the option of a supposed better experience-the positive energy experience of: renewed strength and deeper breathing, a straightening of my shoulders and spinal chord, an ease of movement, relaxing of my muscles in my jaw and face, a tiredness without guilt if I opted for a nap.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stay with breath awareness so as to stop a thought from ‘going this far’, to become a physical response in my body but if /when I do let a thought go to this extent, I commit to remind myself that this response, going from the negative energy experience in my body to a positive energy experience in my body, is self-deception, as I was not even doing the task, I was just THINKING ABOUT IT, it was all in my mind and so I get back to breath, out of my imagination and back to reality, to what is here, I calm down and remind myself to be grateful for all I have and focus on what needs to be done, as in what is my responsibility to my physical health or to my family or whatever the case may be. I realize none of these task requires energy therefore no behavioral change need occur to my body to accomplish these tasks, as I stay out of my mind and move with breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my participation in and as ‘the postponement character’ has real consequences which I will have to face, there is a consequence to my body as the reactions of emotions and feelings that surface and I let run wild, are in fact energy reactions, and this energy literally eats away at the flesh causing -over time-dis-ease and aging, I let myself and others down if I do not face and follow through with my responsibilities to maintain my physical health and home, I rely on doctors to assist me in determining my current health condition and find out if I require any further medical support and this is done annually for a reason and so I must comply to be safe at this point, I cannot effectively direct myself here when I am lost in my mind and so I let self-manipulation creep in, as postponement, when tasks are before me and this results in tasks building up and thus intensifying the minds reaction to them, as fear, anxiety, self-loathing and guilt grow and so snowball into further and further mind participation, all based on illusion in the mind as if there was really something to dread, when all the jobs can be performed simply, or with the support of another, when I just move with breath, completely physical.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to free myself and others from the many consequences that result from mind participation and specifically around this issue of me acting as ‘the postponement character’. Thus, when I see this character rearing it’s head, I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in the mind I create consequences, which creates a time loop, so I am not facing myself in self-honesty in that moment and will have to re-walk this point of fear-dread of facing tasks that I define,in my mind as boring/will be a drag, when I could simply slow down and face what has come up within myself- in this moment-and then move with breath in performing and completing the said task.
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