Mind Control, Amazingly cool documentaries to watch that explain in Detail how we got here:
Note: I was married 5 years ago for the second time. Yesterday my husband told me his father’s health is failing him. This is sad news, he is a very kind, patient, considerate, gentle man. They live out west and I was in fact planning to visit them with my husband this summer and looking forward to his company and having longer than 5 minute conversations with him, as we do over the phone. My mother-in-law, on the other hand is a completely different story, she can be intimidating, unpredictable when she drink alcohol (very much like my father was) and can become downright nasty and spiteful, to others, including her own children, however, she only picks on her children if there is not another ‘target’ close by. On our last visit, I was the other target and I ‘got it’ 2 or 3 times. I also found it unnerving that she does not attempt to hide the fact (which I suppose is more self-honest but just plain mean regardless) that she does not consider me as equal to her ‘family’, but rather ‘just the woman my son married’ (this is how I interpret her anyway), as she does not ask about my family or my life but will go on and on about her own life/family over the period I visited. In fact, she got so nasty, verbally attacking my daughter, particularily evil as she was revving up her abuse because I was not reacting to the other nasty shit she threw at me, so she knew instinctively to insult my children to evoke a reaction from me, which it did! Last time we visited, I vowed to never stay with them again.
So I find myself, in fear and judgement of her, based on survival/self-interest and in imagination, seeing myself a prisoner in her home due to circumstances of illness or death. How will I handle her nature, should I speak up/defend myself and my life, should I just ignore her, what is appropriate, what will my husband accept? I will examine this here in this blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had become the daughter-in-law. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the daughter-in-law think, ‘OMG, what will I do if I have to go out west? How will I handle it if my mother-in-law is nasty to me, just like my dad use to be when he drank?’ thus, going into complete separation from this being, in judgement and fear and not standing as life but only a personality reacting, an imposter of life.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to being here in breath awareness in each moment so as to be aware of the first thought, and to STOP and take a deep breath in, which will assist me in the moment to see this being in oneness and equality with myself and not in separation. In that, I commit to make my reply-which could also be silence or walking away for a time-as I would want to be treated/spoken to in that circumstance and leaving it at that and carry on with my day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am frozen/controlled by fear, as and within that thought, and not even in reality, as what is here, but in some perceived future. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it is fear of the past-memories-pictures in my mind and connecting this woman to a memory of my Dad, they both had/have very similar looks, in their face/eyes, when boozing, right before they strike, like a cobra, very spiteful, was very painful for me as a child and the memories are still somewhat painful.
I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see this fear arising within me of my mother-in-law, fear of being bullied, I stop and breathe and get out of my mind of illusion, as I am just here and as I now see/realize/understand I no longer accept myself to live AS FEAR -becoming the embodiment of fear but to stand in stability with breath as the solution knowing I am ok here, there is no physical threat to me-now or when this woman or my father bullied me-and if I allow the fear, I allow the deterioration of my physicality and this too is no longer acceptable to me, I am not a child and now have a voice and can speak up and also leave a situation where there is abuse occurring, she is just an angry old woman taking her spitefulness out on others, no one can actually harm me if I do not allow it, I must take responsibility for my own reactions of/as fear and cannot ride the coat tails of blame any longer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was using my imagination, imagining all sorts of playouts/scenarios when I am ‘caught off guard’ in her kitchen, living room, dining room and she successfully bullies me/insults me and then I imagine how I will feel as in beaten, humiliated, angry, assaulted, stupid and angry at myself for having letting her get to me-reacting and , then fighting with my husband about the incident (as he sticks up for his mom even though he sees my point) when none of this is occurring in reality but just a movie playing in my mind. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I imagine her as much more frightening than she is; this short, stout bull who is bullying me and its not fair ’cause she’s stronger than me (as the bull, lol) and I am this innocent, frail flower who damages easily.
I commit myself stop all imaginings of my mother-in-law bullying me and bring myself out of my mind and back to earth, and I stand in complete stability and breathe, not allowing the images to re-occur as I now see/realize/understand they are not reality, in fact I was under no threat of harm/bullying from her or my father, as he has passed away, or anyone/anything but myself, as the images then lead to emotions that can harm my human physical body, I am an adult now and not a helpless child so I can express myself self-honestly when someone bullies me or walk away, she is in fact an old-not so frail-woman who has a lot of issues to deal with but I can only stand as an example of stability/equality and oneness and not force someone to look at/examine themselves, my mind is my responsibility and I no longer accept this use of my imagination to take me away from here, I cannot effectively direct myself here if I am giving my authority /power away to my mind of moving pictures/memories.
I will continue with this in Part 2
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