Almost every time my husband and I have a disagreement, I go into an energy reaction of anger and fear and become the ‘I’m Leaving Him Before He Leaves Me’ character. I was divorced several years ago so know, too well, these things do happen. Although I am not the same person, my husband is very different than my ex-husband, my fear is much less then when this occurred in the past, I can see that this is a safety and protection mechanism that I go into, a fantasy of ‘getting the hell outta Dodge’ and getting my own place and I start figuring out numbers-like financially how could I do this-and it is unacceptable to me now. Not only because I am possessed by the mind but because I have a enjoyable, stable, mostly supportive marriage and my life today is more stable, in many ways, than it has ever been so I see it is self-sabotage to engage in such imaginings. I will examine this reaction here to begin the process of stopping and eliminating this character/reaction from within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘I’m Leaving Him Before He Leaves Me’ character and as this character think, ‘I don’t trust him, how can I get out of this commitment and live on my own?’
I commit myself to assist and support myself, to being ever increasingly aware of the first thought and to stopping myself/my mind from following the first thought when it pops up as a word or the first picture/pixel in my mind of an apartment and bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth with breath and commit to the process staying grounded with/as breath awareness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ever more aware of fear as the basis/foundation of this thought and character, fear of rejection and fear of survival, in self-interest AND in separation of my partner and myself as physical beings here. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unaware that I follow a very specific thought pattern and imagination pattern, very much based in fear of survival/fear of death, in which I go to the point of thinking and imagining telling my partner we do not have to live apart for financial reasons OR just in my mind knowing the marriage is over and not important to me but sticking around for the money (as he is likely to receive some money in some years to come) and not caring what he does-so like a relief giving up suspicion of any wrong doing on his part. (Note, this paranoia is all from the past, there is zero evidence of my husband being dishonest in any way).
I commit myself, though writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to the process of no longer allowing myself to go into a fear reaction-unaware and remain there- around leaving my husband, as if running away is a solution but to instead, when/if I see this happening, stop and breathe and face myself here as I now see/realize/understand to avoid facing the issue just causes me to suppress it and it will rear it’s head again/timeloop again and again, remaining in my physical body as memories/pictures, I am allowing this negative energy as fear to control the moment instead of me being the directive principal of myself and I can say things to my partner that are hurtful/harmful and cause unnecessary further misunderstanding, it is self-deception as nothing is in fact occurring except my fantasy, thus wasting time being lost in my mind of selfish fantasy when there is nothing wrong with my partnership/marriage that cannot simply be addressed by staying calm and out of the past of my mind and discussing issues as they arise, it is spiteful of me and my husband has been kind and loving to me over the years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into full blown imagination, as in a moving picture in my mind around this issue, seeing myself moving into an apartment and how it would look, going through different scenarios of different living spaces according to how much I figure I could afford, seeing the way I would decorate a space on my own, seeing the numbers and people involved, how my kids would react and my daughter-in-law, imagine living together in separate bedrooms, imagine ‘faking it‘ to stay in the marriage for the money, imagine ‘catching’ him cheating or drinking or flirting excessively, flash back scenes of my ex-husband and how I would imagine similar ‘escapes’ from the marriage–although then it devastated me and now it does not and then there were valid reasons to doubt/question the marriage now there is not.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to strengthen my stand here, in reality and out of the mind of imagination around this issue/character who fantasizes about running away from her marriage as I now see/realize/understand this only further ‘fuels the fires’ of the mind consciouness systems, strengthening the mind instead of strengthening me here, I no longer accept/allow myself to be a slave, who is controlled by a reaction, when just a simple few words from my husband can set off a chain of events as/within me that is not directed by me in that moment-so I am no longer life but a system on automatic. And so I stop and breathe and focus on what is being said/spoken by my husband and focus on communicating rather than running away in my mind, and realize I can be self-honest in the moment and share/offer assistance and support be fully present and fully physical.
Mind Control, Audios that explain in Detail how we got here
Please watch these documentaries
Park Avenue: money, power and the American dream – Why Poverty? http://youtu.be/6niWzomA_So
The Untold History of the United States ~ Chapter 1 – World War II http://youtu.be/8DxGzWenm20
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