Day 82: ‘I’m Leaving Him Before He Leaves Me’ Character 2

Heal Yourself

Heal Yourself

Please read day 81 for context to this blog.

Almost every time my husband and I have a disagreement, I go into an energy reaction of anger and fear and become the ‘I’m Leaving Him Before He Leaves Me’ character. I was divorced several years ago so know, too well, these things do happen. Although I am not the same person, my husband is very different than my ex-husband, my fear is much less then when this occurred in the past, I can see that this is a safety and protection mechanism that I go into, a fantasy of ‘getting the hell outta Dodge’ and getting my own place and I start figuring out numbers-like financially how could I do this-and it is unacceptable to me now. Not only because I am possessed by the mind but because I have a enjoyable, stable, mostly supportive marriage and my life today is more stable, in many ways, than it has ever been so I see it is self-sabotage to engage in such imaginings. I will examine this reaction here to begin the process of stopping and eliminating this character/reaction from within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in the following backchat as this character, ‘who does he think he is, I don’t need this bull, I don’t need him or his money, I’m gettin’ outta here so I can live in peace, I’ll renovate an apartment and make it my castle or I’ll ask him to leave and have 2 o3 tenants in the house, I’ve done it before- I can do it again, I don’t trust him, I wonder if any money will be left to his daughter so myself and my children don’t get any, all men are the same, he’ll probably cheat on me, I should check his pockets/computer/phone for evidence of being unfaithful.pink equal money

I commit myself to a process of SELF-CHANGE by stopping any and all such  participation of inner talk/backchat of this nature and to stop and breathe whenever it occurs as I now see/realize/understand it is nasty/vicious, VERY self-serving, paranoid, greedy and does not represent who I am or how I feel about my partner, it is based on the past as experience and not reality here, it brings upon reactions of emotions that can harm me/my physical body and cause me to say hurtful things to my partner when all he has ever done (basically, he is not yet perfect, lol) is consistently ‘be there’ for myself and my children, in all ways and most important, I remind myself to be grate3ful for whatever he shares with me and I  do not control others-so if I am wrong I remind myself this is who I want/choose to be NO MATTER HOW ANOTHER BEHAVES and I can stand as an example of a being who does what is best for all in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in/be possessed by the following emotions around this issue/character:  anger, suspicion, jealousy, anxiety, indignant, superiority, greed, insecurity, panic, haste AND the following feelings:  love, excitement.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to the process of stopping participation in these emotions and feelings around the character of leaving my husband, as I now see/realize and understand it is harming my physical body to use the energy they produce to consume substance of my very physicality, it is useless in that they do not change reality in any way, I can talk to him calmly instead of from a starting point of energy reaction which will result in effective communication between us and not create further distance, I only separate myself further from my husband (and all beings) by using my secret (nasty) mind thoughts, I trust he will do what he feels is right and do not control him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let thought, imagination, memories, pictures, backchat around this issue cause changes in my body-behavioral changes of:  an intense feeling/movement in my solar plexus of constriction, shallow breathing, stiffening of my upper back/shoulder muscles, tightening of my jaw, clenching my teeth, a increase in heart rate, all causing an overall feeling of having to rush to do something to protect myself  like ‘take my money and run’.

I commit myself to a process of self-change, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to not let my thoughts-this character-possess me to the point of it becoming a physical reaction, so at the first thought-or thought pattern- I stop and breathe, bringing my awareness back to HERE, out of my mind and down to reality, to what is really occurring, to examine this, look at the fear for what it is -the mind of/as the past- and then look at reality, as my husband here-now and our life together, which is consistent and stable and does not have any warning signs of what I experienced with my first husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of engaging in my mind instead of remaining present/here with breath during conversations with my husband of ; strengthening my mind- as the conscious and subconscious- and not strengthening my stand here, not being able to be fully aware and really engage in a meaningful or supportive way-as behaving and treating others how I would want to be treated in the same situation with patience and fairness and not bringing in the past to the conversation,  not being able to really hear him after a certain point as I was too busy lost in my mind of emotions and reactions and thinking about what to say next to ‘get my point across’, not exemplifying the Desteni message of oneness and equality and being fully physical (not a mind system) so as to not stand as complete stability in each moment, as someone he can trust (and I am accusing him in my mind and sometimes out loud of not being trustworthy), to remain calm during any discussion and lastly, I timeloop myself and have to face this point, of thinking and following the thought, ‘I don’t trust him, I should leave’ over and over again until I am able to trust myself not to engage/participate in the mind, breathe through it,  when it comes up.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to the process of freeing myself and others from the many consequences that result from mind participation and specifically around this issue of me acting as ‘I’m leaving him’ character. Thus, when I see this character rearing it’s head, I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in the mind I create consequences, which creates a time loop, so I am not facing myself in self-honesty in that moment and will have to re-walk this point , when I could simply slow down and face what has come up within myself- in this moment. I also see it is self-sabotoge, as re-living the past/creating the future from the past, instead of being self-honest/self-directive in the moment here, finally, I do not wish to cause unnecessary harm/strain to my relationship or to my partner.

couple_arguing (1)

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1 Comment

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