Day 83: Anger at A Family Member: And the Suppression

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I have had some ups and downs with my step-daughter over the last 5 years. Recently, after I had asked her and my son to put our younger cat (which was her and my husbands cat- so my step cat , lol) in the upstairs bedroom when they went to bed. I explained the reasons why, it was too cold for him to be left outside and in the house he roams and meows very loudly during the night and he attacks the older cat-and often wins- which was my cat. So, it’s kind of a family joke, cat against cat, good cat bad cat, your cat my cat. Nothing serious, we all love them both…I think.  So, my step daughter did not do as I had asked and put the older cat in the bedroom instead. Wouldn’t matter that much but night time is the only time the older cat has any peace and opportunity to play around freely, as both the younger cat and our dog are nasty and ‘take shots‘ at him. I’m not sure if I mentioned that to my step-daughter or not. I reacted with extreme anger, not to her, she may have been gone early that morning but I would not have expressed anger toward her anyway, I may have explained myself in more detail though. I did ask my son and he said he did not look after that, then I stressed the reasons for future reference, and I will to her as well.

I will look at his here, as my reaction was full blown anger, and the paranoid–imagination and fear of not being liked, lots of assumptions going on inside of me and a kind of self-torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was becoming anger specifically ‘the angry step-mother’ and as the angry step-mother think, ‘I can’t believe she put Jinx in the room and not Baboo. Why would she do that? She doesn’t like me!’

I commit myself, to assist and support myself,  through the process of self-change so that I am aware of this first thought then to stop myself, take a deep breath in and out and remind myself I am a physical being and then to calmly ask my step daughter why she did this (or whatever) so as to not go on assumptions and really listen to her answer and go from there, as I now see /realize/understand when I make assumptions I am often wrong, there may have been a reason for her decision I am not aware of, reacting-as in going further/following this thought will lead to energies that will harm me, even if I am right (and she did it on purpose to spite me) there is nothing that will change that now, I do not need her to like me, I can simply tell her again why we want Baboo in the room, anger never makes any situation better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is an underlying fear at the core/base of this incident, as in fear she does not like me so that would upset my husband and possibly my marriage, which is partly my financial security and company and sex life, so fear of rejection and abandonment.  There is also a fear that if someone does not like me , they may be right and that means there is something wrong with me/unlikable about me and I may have to change/face myself , so fear of change. There is also the fear of disturbing an image/role I have of myself in my mind of ‘a nice/good  lady and mom’ certainly NOT the Wicked Step-Mother type at all, so I fear having to stand up to her and being perceived that way-breaking the mold I have crafted over the years–like a mini death.

I commit myself to show myself and others that self-change is possible, as a daily process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective  application, and so when I see this character, the angry step-mom I stop , I breathe and bring myself out of my mind’s reaction of this emotion, based on fears as I now see/realize/understand these fears are based on the past of financial struggle when my first marriage was over, perhaps I should make more money so I am independent financially from my husband, I have to stand and speak up self-honestly in the moment (or when I am able to, as she was not home) about issues when they arise and not suppress them, it is potentially damaging to create these energies of fear and anger and not express them as they will be stored in the physical body, it is understandable I was suspicious of her motives as she expressed (about a year ago) she did not like me to her dad, and it was ‘her’ cat she favored, although I do not agree with favortism I have been guilty of it over the years as well,  I will be sure and remind her she is free to speak up if she has a concern about something I ask/say/do, and finally, it is not her fault her dad got re-married, she did not choose to have a second home and family.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I followed this thought, even first thought chip of anger, into the mind of imagination, seeing my step daughter nodding -a memory of when I spoke to her about the cats-and then in her mind, or later, her thinking ‘ya right B. I’ll put your cat in the bedroom’ or just talking bad about me in her mind. I imagined her telling her dad she doesn’t like me, and the memory of how I imagined it occurred about a year ago, an image of her mother and her talking bad about me, saying I was dependent and a burden, I don’t make enough income.

I commit myself to the process of stopping all such engagement/participation in my mind of imagination-moving images- and so when I see this occurring, I stop and breathe and bring myself back down to reality as I now see/realize/understand these images in my head are not real, I can do anything in my mind so there is no one/thing to check/reference if I am off base, I cannot effectively direct myself here when I am lost in memories/imaginings but in fact timeloop-as I am moving /making decisions based on the past and not acting as the directive principal of me here, we have had many enjoyable times together in the last year, I do not know if she is sincere or not but it does not matter, as long as we are treating one another as we would like to be treated.

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2 thoughts on “Day 83: Anger at A Family Member: And the Suppression

  1. cool Sandy – it would be cool to see through self reflection what the fear of not being liked/fear of loss is based in – thanks for sharing

  2. Thanks Adrian, cool suggestion as I was just looking at that, tracing that-but in my mind-so to look at on paper is preferable. Looks like it is fear of survival, perhaps I need more financial independence from my partner, we’ll see!

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