Day 84: Anger At A Family Member…and then Suppression 2

391789_10150423519021275_578586274_8957014_217698180_nPlease Read to Day 83, for context to this blog as it is a continuation deconstructing the thought: ‘I can’t believe she put Jinx in the room and not Baboo. Why would she do that? She doesn’t like me!’

We do this by examining the 7 dimensions of thought, being:  the thought itself/the fear ‘behind’ or as the foundation of the thought/imagination/backchat-internal conversation/reactions of emotions-feelings/physical body behavioral changes/consequences.

I will include the introductory paragraph here:

I have had some ups and downs with my step-daughter over the last 5 years. Recently, after I had asked her and my son to put our younger cat (which was her and my husbands cat- so my step cat , lol) in the upstairs bedroom when they went to bed. I explained the reasons why, it was too cold for him to be left outside and in the house he roams and meows very loudly during the night and he attacks the older cat-and often wins- which was my cat. So, it’s kind of a family joke, cat against cat, good cat bad cat, your cat my cat. Nothing serious, we all love them both…I think.  So, my step daughter did not do as I had asked and put the older cat in the bedroom instead. Wouldn’t matter that much but night time is the only time the older cat has any peace and opportunity to play around freely, as both the younger cat and our dog are nasty and ‘take shots‘ at him. I’m not sure if I mentioned that to my step-daughter or not. I reacted with extreme anger, not to her, she was gone early that morning but I would not have expressed anger toward her anyway, I would have suppressed it and I did anyway but it keeps popping up in my mind.

I will look at his here, as my reaction was full blown anger, and the paranoid–imagination and fear of not being liked, lots of assumptions going on inside of me and a kind of self-torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was participating in conversations inside my head = backchat of some of the following:  why the f would she do that? I asked her to put the younger cat in the bedroom, I can’t believe she did that , little B, she did that on purpose to spite me, she only cares about ‘her’ cat, I don’t like her, we’re different-not ‘cut from the same cloth’, her and her mom are ‘mean’ girls/women and me and my mom are ‘nice’ girls/women, I don’t trust her or my husband, I have to protect myself from all of them ‘-thus participating-buying into/beLIEing the mind’s design of polarities-judging my step-daughter, her mom and my husband,  IN COMPLETE SEPARATION OF MYSELF.

I commit myself to the process of stopping all such participation with inner dialogue/backchat, so to be more and more aware of what is going on inside my mind at all times , using breath, and so I stop and breathe and bring my awareness here as I now see/realize/understand engaging in this behavior leads to further mind participation, as in the bringing up of memories and subsequent emotions and increases tension between me and my step daughter, talking in my head is not constructive-when I am lost talking to myself in illusion I cannot effectively direct myself here in reality and make an effort to improve communication by speaking to her-planning to speak to her/ write an e-mail/text-to simply yet clearly explain the ‘WHY’ again as to the cat situation and leave it at that and get on with my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I brought upon myself extreme upset by engaging in the following emotions around this issue: anger, resent, spite, jealousy, regret, fear, blame, justification, suspicion, projection.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, to be aware of what I am experiencing, through the process of increasing daily breath awareness, slowly but surely becoming more physical and less mind,  so as not to go so far to experience these emotions but to catch the ‘angry stepmother’ at the first pixel/picture in my mind and/or the first thought, but if/when I do let it go so far, I then stop and bring my stand back here/to breath as I now see/realize/understand to participate in these emotions harms my physicality, I become a system on automatic pilot- reacting instead of acting as life and directing my words to/as what is occurring in the present to remain calm and solve the situation in reality, I go into the past as memories of being victimized as the ‘nice girl’ who was harm wrongfully by the ‘mean’ person in separation of them, I exaggerate the situation and assume the other person is wrong and blame them without investigating where the other person is coming from, I do not slow down enough to see ‘being liked’ is not important (just a program/another character as/within me)  but  dealing with the situation-here in the physical- is what is important, lastly, I go into defense mechanism as  survival- that my step-daughter, her mom and my husband are against me.

Heal Yourself
Heal Yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go so far with this thought that it produces a physical/behavioral change within my body of:  nervous /anxious feeling in my stomach, even somewhat nausea all which definitely impacts negatively on my digestion, constricting of my chest muscles and tightening of my throat muscles,  shallow breathing and tightening of my forehead and jaw.

I commit myself to a process of self-change, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to not let my thoughts-this character-possess me to the point of it becoming a physical reaction, so at the first thought-or thought pattern– I stop and breathe, bringing my awareness back to HERE, out of my mind and down to reality, to what is really occurring, to examine this, look at the fear for what it is -the mind of/as the past- and then look at reality, as my step-daughter may assume I am being unfair to ‘her’ cat and I can simply explain I ‘m not and why.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of engaging in my mind instead of remaining present/here with breath around this and other issues with my step-daughter, of ; strengthening my mind- as the conscious and subconscious- and not strengthening my stand here, not being able to be fully aware and really engage in a meaningful or supportive way-as behaving and treating others how I would want to be treated in the same situation with patience and fairness and not bringing in the past to the conversation/situation,  not being able to assess a situation properly after a certain point as I was too busy lost in my mind of emotions and energy reactions and thinking and going into further thought patterns and then more energy reactions-all building/increasing in speed and intensity. As well , I am not exemplifying the Desteni message of oneness and equality-the process of becoming fully physical (not a mind system)standing in/as complete stability in each moment, as someone she can trust (while  I am accusing her, in my mind, of not being trustworthy, interesting), I create myself and my step-daughter as characters in my mind, instead of one and equal beings as life, who can learn to get along and not harm each other,  I set myself up to blame my step-daughter for MY reactions/who I am as MY MIND, while not taking any responsibility for my past as the ‘nice’ girl/woman who was harmed/victimized by the ‘mean’ girls.  Also, I participate in the mind consciousnesses systems of polarities of: nice/mean/good/bad/friend/foe etc. and thus separate myself from my step-daughter in equality here.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to the process of freeing myself and others from the many consequences that result from mind participation and specifically around this issue of me acting as ‘the angry step-mother’. Thus, when I see this character rearing it’s head, I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in the mind I create consequences, which creates a time loop, so I am not facing myself in self-honesty in that moment and will have to re-walk this point , when I could simply slow down and face what has come up within myself- in this moment. I also see it is self-sabotoge, as re-living the past/creating the future from the past, instead of being self-honest/self-directive in the moment here, my reactions come from the starting point of self-interest as me a the ‘nice’ girl and making my step-daughter the ‘mean’ girl so as to not face my self-deception -as my reactions to her- and let go of needing to be liked so be able to  stand and speak in self-honestly in the moment-or when possible as she was not home at the time I saw the older cat in the bedroom,  finally, I do not wish to cause unnecessary harm/strain to my relationship with my step-daughter.

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