I thought I ‘did this’/covered all this ‘alcoholism stuff’ but low and behold I have ‘saved the best for last’ or more realistically I -unaware- AVOIDED FACING/POSTPONED the really painful ‘worst’ memories. But they are in there as they arise often enough, reminding me what a piece of shit I am to have behaved SELF CENTERED IN THE EXTREME during this period of my life.
I will face these memories here, in this blog, to pull them apart-so as to release them, from within and as me, so they no longer control me-create the consequence of existing within the starting point of the past-so I can live as the self-directed principal of me here in each moment and create this moment in full awareness and self-honest self-expression. This is a process, of course, as it took many breaths to get to this point, it will take 7-14 years of consistent dedication to writing and self-forgiveness to undo/release these memories. There will be a number of blogs on this topic, of ‘the remorseful alcoholic’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this is ‘too much’ and will be ‘awful’ for me as I now understand I have defined ‘too much’ in a mysterious/wishy washy way to distract me and give me an excuse to not stand and face an issue that repeatedly arises within my mind, this makes the fear overwhelming so I postpone the task of writing about it. But this task is actually FINITE, as there are only so many memories, if I miss one and it arises later, I can simply write about that one memory another time. As well ‘awful’ I have defined as something I can’t handle, when in fact I have faced/handled many issues/circumstances/crisis throughout my life and have not died/gone permanently insane/returned to using a substance, and I have the most effective tools available to me now, through my participation with Desteni, than at any other time in my life–so telling myself that this task is ‘awful’ is simply not true.
So, we continue… today I will begin to de-construct the memory of my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary.
Note: I have been sober now for almost 8 years. Also, I have written about this before but not in as much detail as I am looking at it now and I have learned alot about myself since the time of writing the other blog. As well, the memory is still IN me so I am facing it again more thoroughly.
Background of the memory: I was in about year 8 of the 10 years (approximately) I drank alcoholically, so not seeing life straight to begin with. I had pondered what to do/wanted to do something special for my parents 50th wedding anniversary for a few years, as it approached I imagined doing different things/ideas/gifts to make it special but when you are drinking heavily, that is usually where most things end up staying-just in your mind-as you are not as physically or mentally capable to carry them out as if you were sober. Another unfortunate reality is I did not have much money and as everyone knows, a big party costs a few bucks. So what ended up happening was my sister had the event at her house and I was jealous (I did not say anything to anyone though-again suppression) because she has the big fancy house, successful husband, (who does not cheat on her as my ex did), no stress or worries and can easily ‘plan’ a big party cause money moves things in this world.
Whereas I was trying to figure out a way to do something special that wouldn’t cost much for everyone and really sweating it and going over and over it-IN MY MIND-and so to do/add/contribute something special I ended up making all these posters, from old pictures, from various decades during their marriage and I posted them in my sister’s place. I got so loaded during the party I blacked out-doesn’t not mean I passed out (that would have been much preferable, lol) so I only remember bits and pieces after a certain point. However, I did get taken away by the police in cuffs and to the hospital , where I did not cooperate ( real F you attitude) but screamed-literally screamed for ? don’t know, about an hour maybe-more? while my brother was hearing all this in the waiting room, until they took me to the looney bin-psyche hospital- and put me in a padded cell. There I really thought, ‘F. you’ and screamed for ? another hour or 2 not sure, then when I ran out of steam simply asked for a blankey and slept it off. One small condolence, I am told by my siblings, most of the guests, if not all, were gone and it was the extended family left…and my sister’s neighbours, as it all went down on her front lawn… I don’t think about this incident, in this much detail, often, some heavy sadness coming up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I have become the personality system of ‘the remorseful alcoholic’ (as there are several ‘fun/positive‘ memories/times as well so to distinguish) and as the remorseful alcoholic think, ‘Oh, F, I totally ruined my parent’s wedding anniversary party and it’s memory, for everyone’ and to have this thought exist WITHIN AND AS ME.
I commit myself to assist and support myself, through a daily process to increase my awareness as the mind system of energy, called ‘consciousness’, to see this personality when it arises as the first thought-and first pixel as a picture of my sisters living room with the cake, which had an awesome picture of my parents smiling at each other on their wedding day, on the cake- and so I stop and breathe and bring myself back to the physical body as I now realize it is useless to dwell on this thought as the past is over and I cannot go back and change it and this thought exists solely as memories within my physical body. In that, I understand dwelling on this thought causes me to remain stuck in the past, forever destined to repeat it, as I reproduce a starting point of/as the past with this thought, in my present, which creates my future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that FEAR is the very basis/foundation of this thought of: not being liked/my family being angry at me, so basically a fear of rejection. In that, I see also a more prominent fear, which has been a major theme in my life, and which played a big part leading up to the events of that day, of not being good enough, not standing out/shining/being thought of as ‘special’ and this fear exists from the starting point of self-interest, so then the guilt of making the event (in my mind) more about me then about my parent (will get into guilt in more detail later in this blog). Ironically, I did stand out that day but not in a ‘good’ light. So much for planning with a pen in one hand and a bottle (drug) in the other hand.
I commit myself to assist and support myself with/through the daily process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to stand and the face of fear around these memories about my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary party as I now see/realize/understand this fear is based on self-deception as these events-being in the past-hold no actual power/authority over me, unless I allow them to continue to exist as suppressions of emotions/feeling/memories , so to ignore these fears is to play a dangerous waiting game…a ticking time bomb, as I did by not looking at my anger/jealousy/feeling of inferiority before the party-in the first place, and it snowballed into drunken madness, as it does not and cannot simply disappear without my self-directive action/will.
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