Day 88: Voices in the Head of the Addict

information-overloadPlease refer to Day 85 and Day 86, 87  for context to this blog, examining myself as the character, ‘The remorseful alcoholic’.

I will continue deconstructing the thought,’‘Oh, F, I totally ruined my parent’s wedding anniversary party and it’s memory, for everyone’, specifically looking at `backchat` which is the inner dialogue-conversation one has inside one`s own head-mind.

The inner conversation/self-talk/backchat changed significantly from when I was still drinking/using to after I quit, which is 9 years ago now.  I will briefly include both, but mostly focus what is still existent today, inside of me -coming out.

Backchat while I was still drinking:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat around my parent’s anniversary party memory: Oh God, its too awful, I have to drink now so I don’t think about it (the anniversary party), WTF, they think I can quit now? Riiiiight…I have to drink, just today, it will help me through the day and I’ll stop tomorrow, just do it (drink/go to the liquor store) I’ll feel way better, it’ll help with the kids, we’ll have fun, I won’t feel depressed, I want us to have fun, it’s not so bad, I won’t do it again, this is the last time, I deserve it, no one’s gonna know and I really deserve the break, I don’t have anything else in my life to look forward to.

Oh god I can’t stop drinking, I said I wouldn’t do this again, just do it , it’s ok…But I always say this is the last time and am so sure in the morning and then I change my mind, it’s ok, just today, I ‘ll quit tomorrow for sure.

Backchat after I stopped drinking:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat around my parent’s anniversary party memory:  My mom looked so lovely and bought a new outfit and my Dad too and I F’n wrecked it , now they can’t even enjoy pictures and memories of that day, they don’t even talk about for god sake, its like taboo and another unspoken family secret, like more shame and guilt piled up on top of me, they did not print-keep any f’n pictures of the entire party because of me, why can’t they lighten up about it a little bit, I try and make jokes about  it now and then-like we do in AA-nothing we can do about it so sometimes we laugh-poke fun at ourselves, it’s so F’n serious in my family, oh god I messed up so bad, I hope my Dad forgives me, I’m sorry Dad (he has passed)…

Dad did offer to go to family counceling, so sweet of him, so out of his and mom’s comfort zone, I wish I was better and would have said yes or at least been more kind about it,  I did not want to, wasn’t ready to quit for good, I was just so F’d up, oh god those stupid pictures I thought were so important, moving them around my sister’s house, what an idiot I was, what a total ass hole i was, how humiliating, I shouldn’t have spoken so long and over-friendly to my 2nd cousin and his wife, f. the next time I saw them I was sooooo sick/hungover I barely spoke to them, they’re nice people and I confused them…

Equal Money Egg - Ann van den Broeck_thumb[3]oh god, what an asshole telling my dad a bunch of crap about death and taking his arm-so comfortable-NOT-I was wasted, how could I have done that, how inappropriate, to ruin his special day with Mom, he was often a good father, gave me so much, what was I thinking, what a complete idiot, thank god everyone had left, I wonder if the whole family will know about this, thank god they don’t think I’m mentally ill, thank god I’m out of there, I have to be very careful, can’t loose the kids, that was close…

OMG, it’s just too awful, I can’t think about it (the police/handcuffs on my sister’s front lawn), thank god they forgive me (all my family), I can’t believe I blamed them at first and was so angry, what an idiot, thank god I talked my way out of there, I can never mess up like that again…

why did I scream like that.. that was so weird, that was terrible, I was such a drama queen, I treated those police officers horribly, poor P. (my brother) that must have been awful for him, my poor parents they were so understanding, my mother doesn’t ‘get me’, she isn’t an addict, how embarrassing for my sister and brother-in-law to have me go crazy in front of their neighbours, my brother thinks I’m schizophrenic, my sister-in-law always treated me different after that, she thinks I’m no fun now I don’t drink, oh god I hope that is not one of the reasons they spit up (one of my brothers go divorced).

To be continued.

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