Day 89: Ridding myself of the destructive memories of ‘The Remorseful Alcoholic’

self seed 4 new earth -AndrewPlease refer to Day 85 and Day 86, 87, 88  for context to this blog, examining myself as the character, ‘The remorseful alcoholic’.

If you are new to this blog, just to note, I have been sober now for many years, it will be 9 years this April!

I will continue deconstructing the thought, ‘Oh, F, I totally ruined my parent’s wedding anniversary party and it’s memory, for everyone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to still participate/engage in the following emotions-negative energy reactions– around this thought and the various memories/pictures/internal conversations it brings up:  GUILT,  regret, anger, resentment, remorse,  revenge fantasies, worry, anxiety, jealousy, self-pity, self-doubt, embarrassment,  self-humiliation, self-justification, self-hate, suppression, blame, and self-blame.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all such participation in such emotions of self-harm concerning this incident of my parent’s anniversary party, and bring myself out of my mind of energy and back to my physical body and the moment at hand with breath, as I now see/realize/understand to engage in these emotions is no longer representative of who I am today as I am no longer drinking and thus is quite useless, it only harms my physicality as the energies consume the flesh, it does not in fact change the past but creates a timeloop-as a starting point-in the present/current reality-from the past- so I cannot effectively direct myself here in my life today, it brings up/connects to other memories and can create an over- whelmingness which builds and leads to thoughts of …drinking! I remind myself I am physical and carrying on, moving within the task at hand and also remind myself I am grateful for all the support I have received and am now giving back within AA and my association within Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following behavioral changes (physical reactions in my body) in relation to my parent’s anniversary party memory:  note: not necessarily all at the same time/instance:  tiredness, over-whelmingness, heavienss, anxiety-like queesiness/nausea in my stomach, shallow breathing, increased heart-rate, slumped shoulders, tightening of facial muscles and jaw, clenched teeth, slight headache.

I commit myself to, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, the process of stopping all such participation in creating physical reactions, by bringing my awareness back to my body-to earth myself-with breath and focus on what I am doing within my day and moving with breath each time I find I have let this memory possess me to the point of it changing my body with energy, as I now see/realize/understand  this is not who I want to be anymore, this is not who I choose to be anymore AS I NOW HAVE A REAL CHOICE IN THIS PROCESS, so I remind myself to direct myself here and not follow my programming (self programming) BECAUSE IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY and no one and nothing else’s responsibility, I remind myself no emotion ie. blame will be constructive and that the past is the past, it is gone from this world, never to return and what remains within me is my creation and therefore mine to undo/correct so that the destructive patterns are not repeated-the sins of the father are not passed down-once again- to another generation AND SO I STAND and commit to not repeat the past as patterns, mentally or physically, which is best for all life, here on earth!

Heal Yourself
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