I am pausing, for a moment, from examining the next memory of ‘the remorseful alcoholic’ to walk a point of anger, a reaction of anger in 3 related incidences, that occurred on the weekend. They are all related to my friend, who is in the hospital rehabilitating from a brain surgery which went terribly wrong. She is paralyzed on her right side and lost her ability to speak (except a few words here and there). There is reason for optimism and small improvements are seen each week.
As I look at my blog topics ‘to do’ list, I sometimes make notes beside a topic-reaction-memory I want to walk/write about and I keep seeing the word anger! I often react with anger and I suppose I have suppressed much anger (I will examine this in my blogs on alcoholism as well, as everything is connected) so I am required to clear this/correct this reaction as it has become me/I am the living embodiment of it and this is no longer acceptable to me.
Because there is quite a few of these anger points to walk, I will go back and forth in my blogging, from alcoholism blogs to anger blogs. Literally blowing my mind!
I put the word ‘but’ at the end of the blog title because the reaction just feels normal to me now, and although uncomfortable-it is all I know. Sometimes even ‘good’ as in, when I feel violated I then talk myself into feeling vindicated–like I was the one harmed/the victim and am right to feel/know I am superior/right/better than the one who angered me. I am used to this reaction and the alternative? Well, I don’t know! And what do I know about me, I am afraid of the unknown-I resist change because it is unknown/new/perceived difficult because I have not lived it yet! That’s all, that’s the whole boogeyman, an irrational fear based on nothing but a fantasy/projection to some future time. To break an addiction/comfort zone/habit you have to take the plunge = make the decision and then DO IT! No faith, no bs required, just you in breath awareness. I commit to, each time I leave breath awareness, bring myself back as I walk myself, as ANGER, back to physical equality and oneness, as life here on earth, the process to release myself from being a slave to the mind of consciouness AND releasing myself as/from separation- beLIEving I am separate from the beings I am angry at!
Briefy, the 3 incidences of reaction of anger:
One, when I was visiting the hospital there was another women there as well and my friend’s husband. The woman was talking alot and very smiley and animated and I enjoyed her very much until some time went on and I got ticked off and thought, ‘she is hogging all the time with my girlfriend and all her attention, there is no time for me, who does she think she is?’
Two, I went into the ‘rebel’ character (speaking up in a way that is not popular opinion) when the four of us were in the cafeteria and defended the patients who were outside enjoying a smoke (it was Toronto in February and very cold) , then I said something like ‘well you gotta say what you know to be the truth, what if it was your last day on earth’ kind of thing and then said, ‘I know I’m a bit of a rebel’ and to my surprise both my girlfriend and her husband gave a look to each other like , ‘there she goes again’ or ‘no kidding, uh, yeah We Know’.
Three, I read an e-mail from one of the women who dumped me as a friend, after I was drunk one too many times in the past, (as many of us are on an e-mail list for this mutual friend in the hospital) and there was nothing wrong with her e-mail, I just felt like, ‘you fake, you are faking being a nice lady, but you are not, I am the nice lady and you are the mean one, and you are fooling these people but not me’. This was my reaction, as well, to another of the woman who sent a few e-mails through this list, ‘you are insensitive and I don’t trust you, you are fooling them but not me’. Very nasty stuff, much suppressed anger.
I will continue with walking the self-forgiveness and commitment statements in the next post.
Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.