I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anger and as anger think: ‘I don’t trust your friendliness and big smile, you seem nice, but so did the other women in my life and they dumped me when I was down and needed their friendship the most, they are shallow and unforgiving people.’ AND ‘I don’t like my girlfriend and her husband as much now I know they have gossiped about me/judged me behind my back.’
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge these women and my girlfriend/her husband, in separation of myself and point the finger of blame at them.
I commit myself to the process of stopping all such reactions of anger and blame as I now understand I need to take full responsibility for what goes on inside of me, as my reactions of anger and blame, and cannot assume I know what the other person is experiencing/expressing if I DON’T ASK FOR CLARITY, I could have simply asked this woman at the hospital if I could have some time to speak to our mutual friend OR just enjoyed listening and been patient and realized I can visit alone another time. With regards to my friend and her husband, I am the one who said I know I can be a rebel and their reaction (a knowing look between them) was simply an agreement to what I just stated! I realize most people are uncomfortable ‘going against the grain’ in society and me being this way has caused tension, within this group of people, over the years . I also realize I am able to bring myself out of my mind and back to breath by being aware of my mind and reactions and I did not do this when visiting the hospital and so I commit to doing so, the process of moving with breath awareness moment to moment throughout my day. With regards to the e-mail list, I understand there was nothing wrong with what was written and I am judging this woman as being fake, while holding onto the past, knowing I was very ill with alcoholism and did not ‘handle’ the whole incident as I would today and I am not the only person who can change, I actually do not know how she (or the other women involved) thinks/behaves today so should not assume she is fake- it is interesting I think I’m such a ‘nice lady’ with such vileness inside of me- and I am letting my mind control me with this vicious backchat and so, once again, guilty of what I am accusing her of-being a fake/imposter of life.
Let’s get to the Root/Cause of such thinking!
WHY? Why would I react so strongly with anger, from the past, to these women and friend/her husband? WHY AM I TAKING THE MIND PERSONALLY? What do I fear/not want to give up/how is it serving my ego?/self-interest/how does it empower me/do I want revenge on someone or in someway?
I would say I don’t want to give up defending myself , telling myself I am important and worthy of being heard/be-friended/respected because -AS A CHILD- I often felt unheard/over-looked/very fearful of my environment and so ‘hid’ stayed out of my father’s way when he was in a rage/angry at my siblings. I was the youngest of 4 so I felt small, was thought of ‘heard’ ‘little Sandy’/youngest/little hun/she’s shy/she’s quiet and so went into/played that role and so I went into the background and this was mostly fine with me at home because I was fearful anyway and just wanted to stay out of the way BUT later in life or in other situations/environments-when I had adopted this persona -it back fired on me and I felt ignored.
And so when I did speak up , it often came out too harsh/strong, as I had no practice verbally expressing myself, I never learned how to stay calm/slow down and think before I speak or be careful with my words, there was no friendly banter/debate in our home -Dad was the ultimate authority and you did not question or go against what he said ! So, I just learned reaction which was fear of survival-he is big and scarey and the obvious boss/power person here in this house -be careful of attack-he is attacking (verbally) your big brothers and sister and you could be next-hide/protect yourself = stay out of the way!! which is one reason I got a ‘bad rep’ for being a rebel as a young woman (not teen) and -as with my father- it came out more when I drank.
Also/So I don’t want to give up defending myself as ‘right’/superior and to do that judge them as wrong/inferior because it makes me feel better/validated the victor of the past play of the ‘wronged’ friend so I right to blame them-so I tell myself.
I could not express this fear and confusion as a child, ask either of my parents for clarity ‘what’s going on? why is Dad mad?’ (Dad was often angry/sometimes drinking or kind and in a good mood but distant, not approachable and Mom was kind but very submissive and had a ‘its better not to talk about problems ‘ attitude). SO I SUPPRESSED/SHOVED THESE FEELING DOWN OF FEAR/CONFUSION did not even know I had those feelings/shoved down the questions/shoved down the thoughts.
I did not know what to expect from one day to the next or from morning to night SO I WAS ALWAYS ON GUARD/SUSPICIOUS/did not trust WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.
Also, I heard and received, from my father, much verbal abuse in reference to sexuality-women/girl’s are inferior to men and against minorities/the poor/religions other than protestant/race other than white. My mother always looked frightened when this occurred (often he lashed out when she was not home) and did what she could to subside it in a quiet way, although she did not interfere much, unless the abuse became blatant or physical (not physical often). The worse was when my father was drinking alcohol, what a surprise!
It was usually after work or under stress or drinking alcohol that my Dad behaved this way and my mom went into the extreme submissive role, otherwise he was very likeable,friendly, fun loving, sometimes helpful and caring father, doctor, neighbour etc. He rarely ‘picked on’ my Mom, in fact often my Mom was the ‘strong’ in charge one and my Dad-sober-played a bit of a ‘goofy guy’ character.
SO IN THE FIRST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE-THE MOST PROMINENT LEARNING YEARS & the years where the mind develops the base/main personalities within/as the mind consciousness systems I LEARNED:
from my dad: to react with anger when you are feeling out of sorts/bad/tired/drinking alcohol-this is how I perceived him as I now look back and translates for me as ‘when you feel threatened/less than/inferior/over-looked’ and blame others for how you are feeling (especially others who are vulnerable /weaker than you and so no threat to you) and this anger will give you all power/authority/control over others as they hide-cower in fear from you!
from my mom: to be submissive, when there is trouble- stay silent-suppress any /all reactions or temptations to speak up or interfere-Do not fight/argue as it only makes things worse.
but I was just a little kid…so I hid
As I look at this I see POLARITY/EXTREMES….I SEE THIS IN MYSELF , throughout my life
the storm/rebel… the nice good girl/lady… the alcoholic promiscuous songwriter… the spiritual AA member
Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.