Please read Day 91 for context to this blog. I am continuing deconstructing the thought, ‘‘I don’t trust your friendliness and big smile, you seem nice, but so did the other women in my life and they dumped me when I was down and needed their friendship the most, they are shallow and unforgiving people.’ AND ‘I don’t like my girlfriend and her husband as much now that I know they have gossiped about me/judged me behind my back.’
I will include here the last paragraph, which is what I uncovered in/from writing the last post:
SO IN THE FIRST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE-THE MOST PROMINENT LEARNING YEARS & the years where the mind develops the base/main personalities within/as the mind consciousness systems I LEARNED:
from my dad: to react with anger when you are feeling out of sorts/bad/tired/drinking alcohol-this is how I perceived him as I now look back and translates for me as ‘when you feel threatened/less than/inferior/over-looked’ and blame others for how you are feeling (especially others who are vulnerable /weaker than you and so no threat to you) and this anger will give you all power/authority/control over others as they hide-cower in fear from you!
from my mom: to be submissive, when there is trouble- stay silent-suppress any /all reactions or temptations to speak up or interfere-Do not fight/argue as it only makes things worse.
Continuing: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage/participate in my imagination when I was at the hospital visiting and later that same day, in revenge fantasies where I came out the ‘victor’/superior telling this woman she was acting selfishly/self-important, imagining leaving in a huff -but cool on the outside– from the cafeteria after defending myself perfectly after the discussion about smoking, connecting this woman to the other women I had a difficult history with and indulging in nasty thoughts and pictures in my mind.
I commit myself to stop myself if/when I find myself falling back into imagination when there is a reaction of anger welling up inside of me and to bring myself out of my mind of ‘moving pictures/images’ and back to the physical with breath as I now understand feeding the imagination only serves to feed the emotion of anger further and cause more reaction and inner turmoil and I cannot effectively direct myself here when I am lost in my own head of delusion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate-unaware-in backchat when I was visiting my friend at the hospital and the drive home and later on the same day of some of the following–this includes silent backchat/inner self-talk, which means you may not exactly speak the words inside your mind but you know you are thinking them, they are definitely there– ‘I don’t like you, I don’t trust you, you have such a big, beautiful smile, you are all consuming, you talk to much, let me talk, I came here to see our friend too, do you have no manners? I ‘d like to talk, you are taking all the attention away from me, even her husband is consumed with you, I am not noticed, I’m not important, I should just leave if she’s so wonderful, they don’t care if I leave, he doesn’t like me either, he’s only giving you attention, just like the other women-I don’t fit in, I wish I could just leave, how dare they raise their eyebrows at me, I am not an idiot, I don’t need them, I ‘m not visiting as much, how humiliating-they think I’m a rebel, they don’t take me seriously, they don’t care about my opinion, they just want superficial talk-typical, they just want you to shut up, I’m leaving, I”m not giving her or him a hug when I leave.’
I commit myself to assist and support myself to no longer accept such ‘voices in the head’ chatting away inside -coming from memories of the past-and thereby creating my present and future from this starting point of the PAST, but commit to the process of breath awareness and so when I find myself engaging in backchat I bring myself back to the physical as I now understand it is indeed isolating and takes me away from reality of who is speaking, what they are communicating, how people are looking–all the details IN THE PHYSICAL I AM MISSING when I’m lost in my own mind of chatter, I am unable to offer any real feedback/sharing/support, I am in fact guilty of what I accused this woman of as I am concerned with ME-HOW I AM PERCEIVED/BEING NOTICED/being LIKED and not my girlfriend at all and so I am behaving in a selfish/self-important way! I realize I could just be quiet and enjoy the conversation and understand that perhaps this woman needed to talk alot at that time (I did find out she came a much further distance and cannot visit as often as me) and just listen, often when I assume what others are thinking/think about me I am wrong (as I am more vocal/ask now in the physical when unsure about a communication from another), I HAVE BEEN A REBEL during various times in my life and to most people, I still am, with my participation within Desteni.
To Be Continued
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Mind Control, Cool documentary to watch that explain in Detail how we got here: