Day 93: Anger: Suppressed…Medicated will kill you eventually

inner explosionsPlease read the previous 2 blog posts, Day 91 and Day 92, for context to this blog. I am continuing deconstructing the thought, ‘‘I don’t trust your friendliness and big smile, you seem nice, but so did the other women in my life and they dumped me when I was down and needed their friendship the most, they are shallow and unforgiving people.’ AND ‘I don’t like my girlfriend and her husband as much now that I know they have gossiped about me/judged me behind my back.’

I will include here the last paragraph of Day 91, as it is important to refer to as I  continue to write.

SO IN THE FIRST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE-THE MOST PROMINENT LEARNING  YEARS  & the years where the mind develops the base/main personalities within/as the mind consciousness systems I LEARNED:

from my dad:  to react with anger when you are feeling out of sorts/bad/tired/drinking alcohol-this is how I perceived him as I now look back and translates for me as ‘when you feel threatened/less than/inferior/over-looked’ and blame others for how you are feeling (especially others who are vulnerable /weaker than you and so no threat to you)  and this anger will give you all power/authority/control over others as they hide-cower in fear from you!

from my mom: to be submissive, when there is trouble- stay silent-suppress any /all reactions or temptations to speak up or interfere-Do not fight/argue as it only makes things worse.

Continuing:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/be possessed by the following REACTIONS OF emotions and feelings around this thought: fear, anger, jealousy, inferiority, superiority, self-doubt, blame, revenge, guilt, dislike and/but to then suppress most of these emotions.

I commit myself to the process of breath awareness so as to be aware of when these energy reactions arise and to stop myself and bring myself/my awareness back to the physical, here, so as not to be distracted/preoccupied in my own mind in/of separation but present in the conversation/moment of whatever is occurring in reality as I now see /realize /understand these reactions are COMING FROM ME, I AM INDEED THE CAUSE AND EFFECT of them IN THAT MOMENT and I cannot blame another for my reaction, blaming is useless and spiteful and only serves to separate me from the beings I am with so I am unable to hear them for real/enjoy their company/contribute to the conversation in any meaningful way, I am re-living the past as memories-memories that I have perhaps changed to suit my ego in which I am right and another is wrong in polarity- and not existing/sharing as life here as I am lost in my own private world of thoughts and reactions. In that, I realize these reactions of anger cause me to ‘pull away’ from other beings resulting in me being isolated and cause me to want to go to extreme thinking of ‘ending’ relationships and sever ties with others. I see that the combination of reacting with anger and then pushing it down, so as not to ‘make things worse’ by speaking up, as my mother always told me, left me overtime-overwhelmed and brought on depression. I now understand the point is not to lash out in anger but to express how I am experiencing myself in the moment (or if inappropriate/impossible at that moment, to write it out later in private) so that one way or another, it is expressed and not suppressed as and within me. I realize, over the years, a huge amount of anger, emotions of inferiority, jealously, fear, dislike, and the emotion of superiority all built up inside of me (and then the consequential guilt that inevitably followed -at having the negative emotions- because ‘nice’ girls ‘like’ or ‘act like’ they like everyone so have no ‘right’ to be angry, etc. )and when I was faced with a crisis (my marriage ending and having no money and two small children) I had no practical tools to deal with all the emotions and became mentally unstable (I transfered all the emotions onto another man and obsessed him) and then turned to alcohol to medicate myself. No wonder I became an alcoholic, I could no longer push down the emotions and I did not know how to cope with them BUT  ALCOHOL DID, ALCOHOL PUSHED THEM DOWN FOR ME. Therefore, I commit myself to the process of not ignoring reactions but expressing myself in self-honesty in the moment (or in writing) in the physical to release these reactions and to also use breath to stabilize myself in the moment/s they arise, so as to not ‘sit’ with the emotions but clear them as and within me, so that I am no longer the embodiment/slave of/to the mind in the form of ANGER, but I am life here!

DIP Lite Banner-01I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in the following behavioral changes within my human physical body with/as my reaction of anger and the other emotions mentioned above, towards this woman, my girlfriend and her husband:  a stiffness very quickly within my chest/shoulders/solar-plexes/jaw, shallow breathing, anxiety as in a queesy-almost excited -feeling in my stomach, a hyper alertness-like being ready for or under attack.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to stop all such participation in these physical body reactions due to anger arising within and as me and to bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth, to the physical, with breath, and so in such moments, to take a deep breath in and out and relax and hear what is being said/shared and take my time to respond as I now see /realize/understand it is often my rushing ( which I understand is fear, my need to be taken seriously/to be heard/to be not overlooked or rejected TO SHOUT I AM HERE) is that is the reason for the inner turmoil which builds upon itself bringing one emotion after another in increasing intensity and speed, which most often (and in this instance) results in an internal outburst/storm and then the pushing down of that internal outburst/storm, as I wouldn’t want to  ‘risk’ ‘making things worse’ by daring to speak up (and I never learned how to ) to clarify a point/voice an opinion calmly or rationally/release any confusion/OR I would speak up in anger/reaction -too extreme a response as my father would, to exert power and control by use of intimidation/fear and then have to deal with the consequences later of guilt and remorse, timelooping myself, having to repeat this same pattern/experience over and over.  Another consequence being, this suppression of the reaction of anger creates dis-ease as/within me. It is no  longer acceptable to me to allow myself, as the mind, to use energy-specifically the in the form of anger- to infiltrate my body and my very life and essentially consume the flesh.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE


The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected

Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development:
Phase I: 0-1 Years
Phase II: 1-3 Years
Phase III: 3-7 Years

The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected
Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years:
The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected
Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years:
What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected
Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years:
What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?


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