I am continuing examining myself as the Anger Character–one and equal to what I have accepted and allowed within myself, my living, my words-vocabulary AS ME and thus has become part of my very physicality existent in the flesh of the body as ‘memory chips’/pictures all stored/organized/catagorized and embedded in the flesh, ready to be access over and over again, unless I re-write the program and remove this from within and as me . I considered these points to be ‘little’ ‘too small‘ perhaps for an entire blog focus. But what is life but all the small moment to moment encounter, exchanges, tasks? No, the reaction of anger in this instance was quite profound and I must face myself here.
I don’t like to admit this but I have been one of those people who are late. Although I have improved substantially over the last few years, I often find myself rushing around, forgetting this or that and looking incompetent in front of family members. This has frustrated my partner/husband in the past. I would say, it only happens one out of every 4 times now when I am leaving to go somewhere.
Last weekend I was going to visit my mom in the hospital (it is a day and evening trip due to distance) and I left ‘late’ BUT not late in fact as there was no time I was required to arrive, it was just a time schedule I had given myself and I had told my husband (as we share the car) so he could use the car before I left, if required.
It was the look he gave me when he saw the time I as leaving that was the trigger point for my reaction of anger, he just kind of shook his head like he knows me so well, like ‘typical’ of her, kind of distain/dislike/scoffing/laughing. It was a definite ‘DIS’ anyway.
The Problem – Reacting to Another’s Reaction
The problem is NOT my husband’s reaction to my leaving later than I had originally told him, the problem, as my responsibility to what is existent within myself, is MY reaction to his reaction.
Basically, I do not control another but do/can control myself and so this is my responsibility to examine and change to what is best for all-in the micro as our family unit and myself AND in the macro (as everything ‘spills’ out into the world, as we are one of many who participate/interact/affect others) which is the world at large.
So, as I accept and act upon this anger I alienate my husband , as in I create a wall of resistance between us to communicate further-to resolve the issue- where responding calmly would create an atmosphere of safety, I feed into the energy and fire back another remark and thus set in motion the ‘fight’ the ‘war’ between the two of us of reaction-defence-attack–defence…, I ‘assume’ instead of investigate by sharing what I am experiencing in the moment, thereby trusting my mind of thought/feeling/emotion –based on the past as memories- instead of trusting me here in this moment one and equal to it, and so I separate myself from my partner/husband and see him as the ‘enemy’ and thus I must defend myself for my survival at all cost!
I must go to the source/cause of this reaction, to the ‘Why’ of it for a sustainable solution.
Slow down, in fact STOP, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, several deep breaths in and out and commit to not THINKING but to staying present. Give it a little time, just listen for a moment-often when you stop reacting the other doe as well , if necessary tell the other, ‘I’m going to get back to you on this’, or just breathe and know you will face the reaction later, also one can physically leave the space/room for a break to assist in calming down.
So, why did his reaction bug me soooo much? Because overall, he is correct/right. That is why I am working on changing my habit/pattern of lateness-aligning it into what is best for all- which is to do my utmost to plan my day better so I do not have to rush, be late, disrespect another’s time.
I remember my father being upset with my mom exactly the same way, to be fair, I do think a woman, especially when she is the mother of young children, looks after most of the small details in family life and so is the one running around looking like an idiot trying to remember to bring every little thing that needs attending to. However, this then requires communication with ones partner to fairly divide household chores (and children when age appropriate) and to use breath to stabilize oneself and speak in awareness and calmness-reaction never supports a situation.
I felt so insulted , like to the core of me , like he had said by his ‘look’ , ‘typical woman-girl , you can’t even get THIS one small thing right, you are stupid and inconsequential, you are just/merely ‘in the way’, you are not important’. I felt insulted so needed to defend myself from the attack to make myself feel worthy again, like ‘You are wrong and mean and this is not important, it does not define who I am or my worth as a person, you/men made me feel all weak and confused and fucked up in the first place to that is why I get flustered with time commitments and feeling overwhelmed with little things/decisions because I am not confident in my decision making abilities—so postpone getting reading to go out—so then I am late!’ I see that it was my father and not ALL men, as one of my main ‘role models’ in childhood, who instilled this sense of low self-worth.
I see lots of blame there and will examine/de-construct this thinking pattern of blame further in the next post. Continuing…
And so, my reacting back gives me the perception that I am gaining back my power/worth/defending my right to my existence by blaming him I make him the wrong/bad one and me the little, innocent victim I feel good/whole again. Interestingly, I base all of my thinking/reasoning on the past as the starting point, memories from childhood-within the first 7 years, as to why I felt it was required to defend myself/anything at all, in the first place! In fact, we were just standing on our walk-way, 2 equal adults, and could have simply talked/shared how we were experiencing ourselves in the moment, self-honestly.
Again, I replace the negative energy experience of anger/less than/fear with a positive energy experience of vindicated/victor so I am comfortable once again because I feel ‘good’ and it is my preference and I don’t really care, in self-interest, how the other feels/what they are experiencing, just so long as my counter-attack/reaction is justified in my own mind, doesn’t matter who else suffers-all bets are off-this is war, I must win!
However, often I can then go into guilt having blamed/judged my husband. So….lot’s lots of energy back and forth round and round. Exhausting!
When/as this anger as reaction rears it’s ugly head again/comes up, I am ready, meaning, I am aware of what I am experiencing internally –as I am in the process of staying here with breath- so I say ‘stop, NO , not participating‘ ( out loud or in your mind if you are with others) and continue to use my breath to stabilize myself. Then, do not engage in inner conversation or self-judgment but commit to investigate what happened when you have time and in so doing-you are not suppressing the reaction of anger but taking proper responsibility to direct it/clear from within you.
*Each time you stop participating in a reaction of anger, you are one step closer to your own freedom! Freedom from the mind as energy and freedom from the past as memories, which means you have a whole new life-you are life-born in innocence in each moment here!
*You won’t be dragging around the heaviness of guilt and self-judgement that is a consequence of speaking out in haste when you react in/with anger.
*You will be more healthy, mentally and physically. You will have less tiredness, more hours in your day to enjoy!
*You won’t need to blame others, vilify others, to make yourself feel better/ok/good.
*You’ll be standing as an example for others, as a source of stability and true strength, and thus you will be in a position to support and assist your fellow man.
*You will have more stable relationships.
*You will create a true empowerment/strength within yourself which will grow over time, as it builds upon itself, a strength that does not need to win/be better than another but has humility with no ulterior agenda/motive based on self-interest.
*You will stand as an example for your children and create a safe/open/respectful/truly loving family/home environment.
To continue with Self-Forgiveness and Corrective Application Statements in next post
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