Day 99: No, I’m not Always Late…my husband pisses me off!

emotional abuseIn this series of blogs I am facing myself as anger and looking at instances where I was overcome/possessed by the emotion of anger.Please read the previous blog Day 98 for context, in which I describe the situation and then examine it referring to Problem/Solution/Reward. Here is an excerpt from part of that blog.

The Problem – Reacting to Another’s Reaction

The problem is NOT my husband’s reaction to my leaving  later than I had originally told him, the problem, as my responsibility to what is existent within me,  is MY reaction to his reaction.  Basically, I do not control another but do/can control myself and so this is my responsibility to examine and change to what is best for all-in the micro as our family unit- AND in the macro (as everything ‘spills’ out into the world, as we are one of many who participate/interact/affect others)  which is the world at large.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anger and as anger think, ‘How dare he judge me for leaving late, what a jerk!’  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert the attention away from my own reaction of anger and instead blame him.

When and as I see myself going into the reaction of anger, I commit to assist and support myself, to stop and breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand I am not solving the issue or the tension between us but ‘fueling the fire’ or postponing it to a future ‘eruption’ as it builds/festers inside of me. I commit to being self-honest in such moments to tell him how I am experiencing myself and building trust between us by speaking calmly, realizing it is a small issue and I do not need to fear it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge/engage in my imagination,  (often I ‘fire’ back angry statements but in this case I remained silent-just said there was no specific time I was to arrive so I wasn’t really late-but I was seething inside!) with moving scenes/movies playing out in my mind of me telling him off and ‘winning’ ‘getting the better of him’, saying things like, ‘you’re just like my dad was angry at my mom, I’m much better now so i”m not ‘always late’,  you are not considering all the other things I had to do today, what do you do of importance-I am trying to do something of significance in the world and this is small and doesn’t matter’. Also images/memories of my dad being angry at my mom when they were ready to leave and she was running around last minute, in the home I grew up in, memories of being fearful of his voice, harsh and sharp and me being very frightened by this.

self seed 4 new earth -AndrewI commit myself to slow myself down in these situations, when I feel threatened/attacked, and use my breath to remain here and out of my mind of imagination, putting myself forward or putting myself back in time with memories, as I now see/realize/understand my reaction (my husband did not actually say anything, it was a look he gave me) is due to build up suppression -a storage of energy inside of me-of anger, of anger toward my father for being angry at my mom and/or us kids, in similar situations and angry at him for being so frightening, for making a ‘mountain out of a mole hill’ as I always wondered why make such a huge issue/fuss over it that hurts our feelings and ruins the family outing-or a puts a huge strain on it and hurts/puts strain on the family unit as a whole so there is a level of uncomfortability/lack of trust/unease and just plain fear? Why is he such a bully? Why does he have to be the boss, clearly he is not a benevolent dictator? So I had alot of confusion/unanswered questions that were not safe to bring up/there was no discussion when problems arose So…I pushed it all down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat: ‘no, I’m not always late, I’m hardly ever late now, that’s not true and it pisses me off you suggesting that my your mean look, I dislike him so much right now. I don’t need his crap. I’ll move out, no I’ll tell him to move out. I’ll figure it out. I don’t need him. I dislike men. My dad was a jerk too.’

When and as I see myself beginning to talk /gossip/complain about another inside my own head,  I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down enough to walk my own process and stop attempting to blame another to make me feel better in that moment.as I now see/realize/understand I am actually  manipulating myself because I am uncomfortable with the emotions I am experiencing and do not want to ‘sit’ with them/look at them, so I talk myself out of the uncomfortable position and into a new position of victor/superiority-like I’m so strong and independent, I’ll be fine on my own, and I escape/run away from realily by fantasizing about ending the relationship – thereby getting the reward of the positive energy experience of winner/powerful victor. This is done in complete self-interest and does not resolve the issue of anger and blame but avoids it completely. And so I commit to slow myself down, look/examine what I am experience and walk my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following emotions, around this issue: fear, anger, disappointment, spite, dislike, superiority, worry, guilt, resent and blame, judgement of another and judgement of self.

I commit myself to assist and support myself  when/as I see myself falling into such emotions I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to my physical body and slow down as I now see/realize/understand I am reacting from/as the past as memories, from childhood, where I suppressed such emotions so they have accumulated into a RAGE and DESIRE FOR REVENGE for the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness of a little child who was trapped. I remind myself I am no longer a small child but an adult who can control herself and act responsibly.

I also realize/see a pattern that I have programmed into and as myself/accepted as myself, from my reaction of anger toward my father, when my mom was rushing around to leave somewhere and he was angry at her for being late of :  reaction of anger–> I suppress the anger and become introverted–>the anger becomes disappointment –>I am the silent one=shy one as a child = quiet and afraid–>this energy is stored in the physical body –> weighs me down mentally and physically–> accumulates causing/building into depression/apathy–>results in difficulty being motivated in life!

SO…I postpone, go inside my head/mind (introvert) instead of being self-directive and moving in the physical to get things done  (for example, I feel tired and give myself an excuse to have a nap or do little chores, that could be done later, after my daily commitments are complete) and I use self-manipulation to tell myself the daily commitments are ‘hard’ so do not want to face them, therefore, instead of being aware of the time and giving myself a realistic amount of time to complete tasks/gather what I need to leave the house for the day to visit my mom, I  avoid this simple procedure and THEREFORE I FIND MYSELF ONCE AGAIN RUSHING TO LEAVE ON TIME.

Note: This pattern and my relationship to/with my father (or lack of relationship) is significant in how mental illness and subsequently alcoholism manifested in my life as :  anger/fear–>suppression–>introversion (the shy/silent one)–>obsession of men–> isolation (just me and my mind, lol)–>hearing voices–> not telling anyone–> self medicating with alcohol .       This will be examined in more detail in blogs to come.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so lost in my own mind/thought patterns that I experience physical discomfort/bodily changes/reactions of increased heart rate, tension/unease in my solar plexes, stiffening of the muscles in my face and shoulders and neck, shallow breathing.

I commit myself to the process of stopping all such physical reactions from manifesting by bringing my awareness back to the physical with breath and reminding myself I am a physical being and staying out of my mind of thought patterns, with regard to being angry and blaming another when I am late or when I suppress a reaction in such instances , as I now see/realize/understand how living in the past and/or suppressing a reaction  harms my physicality and my interaction  with people I love/respect and feeds upon itself, so I eventually become totally possessed with rage and am not able to discern reality from fantasy and I then become more and more extreme within my communication. In that, I then face the consequence of having to backtrack and take responsibility for my response and apologize for harming another.

Heal Yourself
Heal Yourself

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