In this post I will explore my reaction of sadness and then of fear and then of anger at the marriage break-up of a couple who were our (my husband and I’s) ‘best friends’. I can also see the thought patterns moving from the sadness…fear…disappointment (which is suppression of anger) …anger. Round and round, it is quite a mind possession!
As I look/review this situation now, I see it is really too much to ‘bundle’ all together, so I will first look at my reaction of fear in this blog.
I was quite shocked at the news of our friends separation. I had no idea they were even having marital issues, as it is perhaps not a typical friendship of most couples. The man is my husband’s sponsor in AA (alcoholics anonymous), so the thee of us are in the 12 step program off AA and the wife is not an alcoholic, lol. We have all been sober several years but still active members of AA. So, I knew the man anyway, even before I knew my husband or this man’s wife.
They had a simple,quiet life, no children, no mortgage but a lovely little apartment. I always admired their choices, one of which was to not enter the over priced real estate market and get some huge mortgage and the stress that goes with it. I also admired this woman’s stability, lack of ego, calmness, patience with all of us talking about AA related issues during an evening. I was surprised, but did not want to be judgmental, that /how she tolerated some of the stories her husband would tell from his past. Seems he needs/wants someone more ‘engaging‘/gregarious/social, that puts it simply.
Thought: ‘She’s an awesome person, I am becoming more like her, as in letting go of my ego, my need /addiction to excitement, less reactive, more of a home-body, maybe I will be dumped by my husband. My husband did say, ‘It makes you reflect on your own marriage’ What did he mean by that? I’m terrified. I should do more. Have a dinner party and go back to dressing sexy, wearing make-up. I should get an exciting career or perform music again. That would impress him/excite him. My first husband dumped me, he got bored of me, I guess I’m boring.’
Equals: ‘I’m afraid I’m not good enough’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear of loss/rejection and falling back into the pattern of thinking, ‘I am not good enough’ for my husband to stay married to me, as I now see/realize/understand this starts a whole pattern of self-degrading thoughts, self-judgement and keeps me stuck in the past/imprisoned in the past, as a little helpless child hearing my father’s voice, deep/sharp/disapproving in tonality and looking angry/displeased and/or making sexist remarks about women/girls and a definite message that girls/women should be pretty/sexy. I realize also I did not receive much attention from my father when I was young, first 7 years of life, and I began a pattern of trying to get attention and a sense of self-worth through looking ‘pretty’/sexy, good grades at school, and sometimes by being entertaining.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not good enough, as I need to ‘be more’ to entertain someone/my partner so they do not get bored and decide to ‘trade me in’ for a ‘new model’.
When/as I see myself falling into fear of loss/rejection, through the ”I’m not good enough’ character I stop myself and telling myself ‘No, I refuse to participate in this’ and I stand and breath, aware of myself here and not in the past as memories/pictures/tonalities/thoughts/emotions inside my own head as I now see/realize/understand I am a physical being, one and equal to all that is here as substance/physicality and I am not an idea/picture in my mind. I slow myself down and stay with breath awareness and continue moving throughout my day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely possessed by my imagination in this situation, fearful images of the past, like blow after blow.
At first I was actually sad/shocked/confused, then very quickly I became monstrously defensive, with my husband, as images of the past of my first husband ending our marriage AND images of my dad being angry at my mom or us kids. So I threw out ugly, over-the-top statements at my husband, ‘well, if you want to leave me , just give me ‘x’ and you can move out’ kind of thing, like I’m so tough, I’m not afraid, go ahead, you won’t hurt me, so there! The next morning I woke up in complete fear of what I had said, was I too bold? And I did a complete 180 on him and tippy-toed around and apologized (the apology was fine as my comments were extreme and spoken in a harsh tonality, using accusations in an underlying way). As I already know he does not like the ‘insecure wife’ act and so I was playing this role-trying not to play the role-but not trusting my husband to understand what I was going through with the fear of the past as rejection/abandonment and fear of survival. Meanwhile, I am still being bombarded with image after image of the past, my dad, my ex-husband , how I struggled on my own with 2 small children and no money, how I became very ill-could have died…BIG FEAR
So how can you play a role you despise and know your husband despises but you are too terrified to stop it, tippy-toe around in fear and eventually not get really pissed?! You can’t , but that is for the next blog, lol.
When/as I see myself going into my imagination with fearful memories/moving pictures inside my mind of past rejection and connect it to feelilng ‘not good enough’ today, I commit myself to pull myself back to reality, ‘No, I do not accept and allow these pictures coming up in my mind and possessing me!’ And so I stop and I breathe and get back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand this is not who I want to be, it could be become a self-fulfilling prophecy as I myself do not find an insecure person attractive so how can I expect another to, the past is over and I cannot change it but can be the directive principal of me here-in this moment-here is where my power lies!
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