Day 103: He dumped her…maybe I’m next: Fear Part 2

viaweheartitcom31950636Please read Day 102 for context to this blog, in which I am continuing to de-constuct my reaction/possession of extreme  fear to the news our best friends (my partner and I’s) had separated.

Thought:   ‘She’s an awesome person, I am becoming more like her, as in letting go of my ego, my need /addiction to excitement, less reactive, more of a home-body, maybe I will be dumped by my husband. My husband did say, ‘It makes you reflect on your own marriage’ What did he mean by that? I’m terrified. I should do more. Have a dinner party and go back to dressing sexy, wearing make-up. I should get an exciting career or perform music again. That would impress him/excite him. My first husband dumped me, he got bored of me, I  guess I’m boring.’

Equals:  ‘I’m afraid I’m not good enough and my husband will leave me’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat concerning my fears brought up by this situation: I dislike him very much for dumping her. She is the same she has always been. Typical of a man to lie and cheat. Typical of a man to not have integrity and stand by someone when they are down. I don’t trust men. I don’t trust my husband. He could do the same to me.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘take another hostage’ believe I have the right to ownership of another in marriage and to believe I cannot survive without the other and so be dependent and co-dependent upon the other in the relationship instead of a whole being, one and equal partner in a union of mutuality and trust.

When and as I see myself engaging in inner chatter about this issue I say ‘no, I refuse to participate in these thoughts anymore. Stop!’ and I stop myself and take a deep breath, realizing the only thing that is real is this moment, here and that I no longer want to live in and as the past as memories/experiences. I also see/realize/understand I do not know for sure what occurred between our friends and it is not appropriate, in this case, to ask too much, I have no right to judge anyone else, I do not want to separate myself from others within /as judgement but to live in reality as what are the facts and speak self-honestly in the moment about an issue-or if that is not possible/appropriate to remain silent as I do not need to be heard or be ‘right’, talking in my head causes a chain reaction of more memories/thoughts coming and emotions being brought forth that only serve to escalate my actions and speaking and are not based on  current reality, my husband is not my father or my ex-husband and we are fine in our relationship.

In that I realize I do not have the right of  ownership of  another being through marriage, committed relationship or any other way, I do not have the right to hold someone hostage because of an agreement we have made, that agreement being to walk together as life, on this planet, assisting and supporting one another and enjoying each other!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become completely possessed by the emotions of firstly sadness and then overwhelming fear, in connection to this situation, as well as –the following day–the emotions of anger, resentment, suspicion, judgement of another, self-judgement, blame, self-blame. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these reactions –coming from/based on the past as experiences–of emotions to be real, to be me instead of what they really are–energy and let this energy decide for me, what I will say next what I will do next and I become an energy robot and not life here, valuing  the being in my world and speaking/acting with love and caution and patience.

395725_10152532813310392_687285343_nWhen and as I see myself going into a reaction of sadness and /or fear around this situation of our friend’s marriage break-up, I immediately bring myself back, out of my mind, out of energy and focus on what is physical with breath awareness and I say ‘ no, not participating as/with this energy! ‘ (I say this out loud or if others are present, I say it silently /whisper or in my mind) as I now see/realize/understand I am not this energy but a living being here, these energy experiences are based on my past as being fearful of my father and feelings of /a knowing he was not ‘there for me’ to talk, build a relationship with, to ask questions, no real intimacy. Also from memories of much sadness and fear around my ex-husband leaving our marriage and I understand my partnership  today is stable and enjoyable.

NOTE:  My father may very well have ‘been there for me’ emotionally but was unable -at a calm moment-to express this to me and I was just a child and then too frightened to approach him. Also, he was physically present, he was not always distant, I love/respect/miss him very much, he was often kind/caring and fun, always generous. It is unfortunate  how events, that can seem insignificant to an adult, can be horrendous to a child and life altering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so possessed by my reactions of emotions I was unaware the effect this was having on my human physical body; stress/strain on my back and shoulder and facial muscles, tight jaw, shallow breathing, holding my breath, tightness in my  solar plexes and all this allowing this energy to break down the substance of my muscle tissue so essentially eat away at the cell/structure of the physical, depleting it  and aging it or causing disease over time. Why? To use the substance to produce/substantiate more energy! Like I am being used as an energy machine -my emotions the fuel to keep the machine –as the mind/conscious/sub-con/un-con–running. But if I allow this machine to keep running then I am not life HERE the machine is , I am just an organic robot  REACTING, which harms me and others that I love/respect. This is unacceptable to me now.

When and as I see myself going into a behavioral change within my physical body, I immediately stop myself, using my breath to pull myself back down to earth–get re-grounded as I now see /realize/understand  to let myself get this far means I have lost my true beingness lost in my mind and followed a thought allowing it to control my very physicality which results in harm. I remind myself I no longer accept myself to let the past control me through fear and use my breath and carry on with the discussion, remaining out of my ‘head’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to then walk/face the consequence of allowing the energy of fear to take over during the discussions I had with my partner about this topic of;  upsetting him with my assumptions of what occurred between our friends, judging the man as ‘wrong’ and the woman as  the victim when I don’t know what occurred and angering him, going into the insecure wife role and possibly making him feel like he ‘has’ to stay with me and feeling ‘stuck with me’ like I own him , having to apologize for my extreme reactions.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘insecure wife’ character–based on fear of losing what I feel I own– and creating consequence outflow, I stop and breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now  see/realize/understand it does not do any good to live in the past , instead I remind myself to deal with/discuss points in physical reality in a calm manner without judging another or myself.

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