Day 105: He dumped her…maybe I’m next: Fear turns to Anger Part 3

63779_422566637813233_528924413_nPlease read Day 102 and Day 103 for context to this blog, in which I am continuing to de-constuct my reaction/possession of extreme  fear and then anger to the news our best friends (my partner and I’s) had separated.

Thought:   ‘She’s an awesome person, I am becoming more like her, as in letting go of my ego, my need /addiction to excitement, less reactive, more of a home-body, maybe I will be dumped by my husband. My husband did say, ‘It makes you reflect on your own marriage’ What did he mean by that? I’m terrified. I should do more. Have a dinner party and go back to dressing sexy, wearing make-up. I should get an exciting career or perform music again. That would impress him/excite him. My first husband dumped me, he got bored of me, I  guess I’m boring.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the angry, suspicious wife and as the angry, suspicious wife think, ‘Typical , I dislike this man and men in general for dumping their wives like they are garbage.’

When and as I see myself falling back into this character within anger and these types of generalized thoughts coming up I stop myself and come back to my physical breath as I now see/realize/understand it only pits me against men (half the planet, lol) and people I care about in the mind’s  design of polarities ie. love/hate, safe/danger, beautiful/ugly, young/old, it amazingly can in a quantum moments change me from being basically a calm and rational person to a nasty, emotional, mean, bitter woman, no one likes being around anger/an angry person so when this erupts (I am not loud but feels like an eruption inside)  it is isolating, ‘going with’ the anger-letting one thought lead to the next just dredges up the past and I throw out carelessly vile, extreme and generalized statements which my husband reacts to and he accuses me of blaming him and all men for my past experiences, he is quite sick of it and this is understandable, it puts me in the victim role as I then become the target of angry statements thrown right back at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to possessed by pictures in my mind of the past as memory experiences of my father and my ex-husband comparing what is occurring in physical reality today-to the past and using the past as experience to blame my husband /all men in general for what I experience inside of me/how I ‘feel’/react to external stimulus today, when my reaction is my responsibility.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to remind myself this is no longer the person I want to be, I want to be real and here, in the physical expressing myself as life and not lost in my own mind of imagination, lonely and without expression, just bitterness about something that no longer exists-it is over !  And so I commit to , when I see I am lost in imagination about this issue or similar issues about relationship, bring myself back down to earth and use my breath to stabilize myself here and touch myself to remind myself I am really here, not in the past,  re-hashing the past is useless as it does not change the past, seeing these moving images-like ghosts of the past-in my mind causes me to lash out at people who had nothing to do with these experiences, all men are obviously not abusive just as all women are not abusive -it is not dependent upon ones sex whether they abuse or not. I realize it is safe today to speak up, self-honestly in that moment, about what I am experiencing- as long as I am calm and clear (as in not reacting-of course can use expression) and discuss an issue like our friends marriage ending, in common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in volumes of old ‘tapes’ as backchat/internal conversation, in fact  50 years worth of anger toward men, not just to do with infidelity and divorce, but verbal and emotional abuse as well.  Some of which:   I’m gaining weight, I don’t look sexy anymore, I’m just me- F it, I wonder if he would have an affair, maybe I should search his stuff/the computer, all men are blank, I blank men, I don’t trust him, I’ll get ripped off again, I blank my ex-husband, he doesn’t care about me, I don’t care about him, he’s manipulative in what he says about our friend,  just nod, what a joke as if he didn’t have a girlfriend, most men cheat, they are not to be trusted, they have no integrity, don’t lie for your friend, both cowards, I should get a little condo of my own, I have enough money…etc. OMG it is extensive and it is vile.

When and as I see I am beginning to be directed by my own backchat/inner voice of the past, and not living here in the physical, I do not panic or engage in self-blame or self-victimization, instead I calmly stop these thoughts, becoming aware once again of my environment/where I am/who I am with and breathe myself out of my mind of listening to demon voices from the past and back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand this is just a character made up of thoughts, voices, tonalities  from the past and is not what is real/going on now-here, I am not the same person I was during my first marriage in many respects (for one I do not have 2 young children as dependents), re-hashing the past is useless as it does not change the past, participating in backchat causes me to relate to it -like it is me talking -rather than what I have created and ‘stored’ as memories onto a file- within the computer of my own mind- and I have accumulated these thoughts/programmed these thoughts to arise in a situation like this one (our friends marriage separation), if I engage in inner conversation it brings up/leads to further emotions and feelings which can harm me and others.

To continue

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