Please read Day 102, 103 and 105 for context to this blog, in which I am continuing to de-constuct my reaction/possession of extreme fear and then anger to the news our best friends (my partner and I’s) had separated.
Thought: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the angry, suspicious wife and as the angry, suspicious wife think, ‘Typical , I dislike this man for leaving his wife, who is an awesome person, and men in general for dumping their wives like they are garbage.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and possessed by a reaction of anger within this situation, as well as resentment, blame, fear, confusion, regret, sadness, pity, suspicion, dislike, judgement of another and self-blame/judgement. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have suppressed anger all my life, from when I was a child about how my father treated my mom and his children (I was the youngest of 4). In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was connecting my experience of anger about how my father treated us from my past TOWARDS OTHER MEN throughout my life so using this as an excuse to play the victim/helpless role in a present situation, such as this one, and blaming another instead of facing myself.
When and as I see myself falling into a reaction of anger, or another of the emotions listed above, and becoming the angry woman character, I stop all such energy movement-as in internal energy movement – and I stop myself from responding/speaking in anger-as an external energy movement, so I am stabilized as breath here and I commit to slow down and not speak at all or wait until I am confident I can speak without the past as /within me –dumping a bunch of garbage onto someone else! Perhaps that is why I wrote the above thought the way I did ‘…like they are garbage’ because I’ve been carrying around a very large load of it , lol. I realize this is not to say some people don’t abuse and you should actually not trust them, unfortunately some people do abuse, however, it is the carrying around of the past and expressing ones self/verbalizing ones self from the starting point of the past-instead of self-honest assessment of any given situation in the moment-that is to be avoided and eliminated from within/as self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so lost in my own reaction of anger that I experience physical discomfort/bodily changes/reactions of increased heart rate, tension/unease in my solar plexes, stiffening of the muscles in my face and shoulders and neck, shallow breathing.
I commit myself to the process of stopping all such physical reactions from manifesting by bringing my awareness back to the physical with breath and reminding myself I am a physical being and no longer wish to exist as just an energy reactor-like a machine having my buttons pushed ; red for this memory coming up which then gives you this energy or blue for …. with regard to being/playing the angry victimized woman and blaming others from my past and present, as I now see/realize/understand how living in the past and/or suppressing a reaction harms my physicality and my interaction with people I love/respect and feeds upon itself, so I eventually become totally possessed with rage and am not able to discern reality from fantasy and I then become more and more extreme within my communication. In that, I then face the consequence of having to backtrack and take responsibility for my response and apologize for harming another, who had very little to do with my current reaction of anger.
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