Day 112: I Never Paid Back My Dad: Deep Sadness and Regret 4

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PROBLEM

Uhhhhgggg, back to this. It is what it is, emotions existing within and as me that are useless and only harm my physical body, so to continue with this process of ridding myself of the memories, existing within the muscle tissue/fiber of the flesh, so they do not come up over and over again in a continual time loop, causing me to live from the starting point of the past, as a character/personality I have created. Let us continue with this process of eliminating ‘the debtor’.

I am sad and often plagued by regret and guilt that I borrowed money, over a period of about 12 years, from my father and he has since passed away.

So the problem is living as the personality of ‘the debtor/the borrower’ today, even though I do not participate in the behavior anymore. To solve this /change it, one must proceed fearlessly, delve into it, see it clearly, why did it happen, what am I hanging onto?  And then be/live the change so as to not repeat it.

SOLUTION

 Walking a 7 year process of applying self-forgiveness and living a self-corrective application with each breath throughout one’s day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become regret and as regret think ‘why, why do I do that? Oh shit, I was always asking for money,  how f**n disappointing is that for him as a parent? I worried him and he felt so much guilt, what a f***n mess it all was, and now he is gone forever, and there is nothing I can do about it.’

When and as I see myself going into this thinking I stop myself and go back to breath here, as I now see/realize/understand it is useless as it does not change the past, it leads me into further mind pictures/memories/emotions that are harmful to my human physical body, my dad understood I was a single parent and I was struggling with raising the children basically on my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I am going into my mind of imagination with pictures and memories of : seeing him helping me moving to the house we are in now, being on the phone with him and him asking me if paying off my second mortgage will end my money troubles and me lying saying ‘yes’, him being angry that I used his credit card number without asking him to pay for a tooth to be removed, him loaning me money for part of a down payment to get a home 3 years after my marriage ended and we lost all our equity, him being upset and confused on the phone when I had to ask for money so my second home purchase would go through or I would be sued as I was drinking heavily at the time of purchase and did not account for the necessary money needed, him being upset about a loan my ex-husband promised to pay him back and never did and feeling terribly guilty about it, him giving me gas/grocery money almost each time I would visit my parent up north after they retired and I brought up the kids for a visit.

Why do I allow myself to do this over and over? Because I am desiring to somehow resolve the past by thinking about it, I do not want to accept the consequence that I hurt/caused my dad pain/anxiety/worry/stress as I feel guilty about it, I am not trusting my process of stopping thoughts because I do not completely understand what it means to stabilize myself here in physical equality and oneness-like how is that going to solve anything?

When and as I see myself falling into my mind of imagination of the past around this issue I immediately bring my awareness back to the physical with breath and remain here, as I now understand I cannot effectively direct myself/my day if I am lost in thoughts/pictures in my mind, of the past, it does not change the past and so is a waste of time, I no longer allow myself to exist from/as the starting point of the past as memory experiences as this is not life but a pre-programmed response and thus I am not changing,  I no longer allow myself to wallow in self-pity and use alcohol as an excuse to not make responsible financial choices/decisions.

main-qimg-6c3c48558a3b880ae7f59e49ead68feeI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am engaging in backchat around this issue, of all the money I borrowed from my dad (and mom) over the years. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realized I blamed my parents, my father in particular, for my circumstances during these years and justified this blame through backchat of: ‘Well, I’m only in this lousy situation because I married a man like him (my father), anyway he has lots of money it won’t affect their lives at all, I hope I am not the reason they didn’t get the house on the golf course (lol-some problem), well they always say I my schooling cost them/ I cost them the least amount of any of their children and I was the ‘easiest’ of their children so I can ask now/use the money now,  it’s for the children not me, it’s because he beat me down emotionally I’m in this predicament, he was verbally abusive so that’s why I’m such a loser/mess, I’ll  pay him back, they can just take it out of my inheritance, I need it now not later in life ,this is the last time I ‘ll ask him for a loan, I can’t lose my house again, I have to do this , just have a few drinks and then call him..’

As well, I now realize I blamed my mom for not sticking up more for us kids when my father became abusive and I was somewhat jealous of her (and my sister) for having such an ‘easy life compared to mind’ as they had husbands who made very good income and were very stable this way. So I justified borrowing over and over by telling myself /engaging in backchat of : ‘She (my mom) never had to make/earn a dime in her life, it was all given to her from my dad’s hard work, what does she care, what difference does it make, she never had to worry about paying even one bill her whole life, I have so much stress, she has no stress, it’s for the kids for gods sake…’

When and as I see myself beginning to participate in backchat about this issue of borrowing from my parents, my dad in particular, I stop and I breathe, remind myself I am physical as I now see/understand my father is walking his own process in the dimensions now and we are all one and equal, I stopped this behavior with my mom some years ago now and wrote her a letter explaining what happened to me with regards to the trouble with my mind and alcoholism and she was very gracious about it, I am not at all spiritual anymore/listening to my mind, I do not and have not used alcohol (zero) for 9 years now and I just enjoy music and do not engage in fantasy about success anymore and so I am able to act financially responsible today and my mom sees this and my children see this, I cannot change the past but I have changed how I live in each moment, I continue on with the task at hand grateful I am whole- body, mind, beingness- so I am able to contribute to creating a world that is best for all, nothing I would rather do!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in the following emotions around this issue: sadness, regret, guilt, remorse, self-criticism, self-blame, self-pity,  blame of another, anger, jealousy, comparison and shame.

Why am I  participating with sadness, regret and guilt? (being the 3 major emotions that come up within/as me)

Because I realize I acted irresponsibly with money, decision making recklessly, living recklessly as drinking alcoholically and listening/following my mind as in spirituality thinking my dreams (night dreams)  and inspirations were from a ‘higher power’, writing music instead of facing my life in reality and getting full time employment and thus a reliable (or fairly reliable) steady income to meet my monthly expenses instead of only making a medium but not enough income through various ways using my home, not having the courage to work outside the home, using being a single mom as an excuse to not ‘face the world’, using ‘low self-esteem’ as an excuse to not face my fears of my life being ‘not the way I envisioned it should be’, using lethargy/apathy as an excuse, using the cold/long winters of the city I live in as an excuse of not wanting to take the kids to school or daycare before work as in it would be too difficult/uncomfortable. When the truth is my life was-in one way-quite fun and easy  (when the kids went to their dad’s place) hanging out with musicians, drinking, partying.  I just avoided life/my situation (having children and virtually no money) by going into debt, over and over, and then borrowing.

When and as I see myself going into emotions around this issue I immediately stop myself and go back to my physicality with /as breath awareness, as I now see/realize/understand none of this was my Dad’s responsibility and it was fully mine, as I had my children in full awareness, no one forced me to and it is not his fault the path my life took, I choose the path of spirituality and alcohol instead of facing myself and acting responsibly. I also realize he loved me and was mostly very eager/happy to assist me in this way. I realize he for the most part had enough money to have a very enjoyable life and wanted for nothing.

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