Day 113: Sad About My Mom

_1183857_housewife2_300Got some ‘bad’ news about my mom yesterday that is not really news at all, so shouldn’t upset me so much, but that her feet are not healing and her blood remains infected and will not heal at all. I could already see this in just looking at her feet, why the blood infection will not heal, I’m not sure. So waiting to hear from my brother, after he speaks to her doctor about that issue. I don’t understand why they cannot simply amputate her toes/feet and thus clear up the blood infection?! I do understand she is 86 and weak so do you start chopping away at someones physical body or is that just cruel and dangerous?

I also realize that one persons demise to time, on this planet, is no more tragic/sad than another’s.  However, my mom, for the most part, has been a kind and supportive and enjoyable person throughout my life and I will miss her and do not want her to die/leave. I also live a few hours drive away (from where she is in the hospital), as she is weak and has a hearing problem, it is difficult to communicate with her when I am at home. I feel badly she is mostly lying there by herself, since Sunday, quite helpless and in discomfort and some pain realizing she is not getting better and what that means.

I got myself ‘all worked up‘ yesterday in the emotions of fear, sadness, worry, anxiety and did not sleep well. I reached out for chocolate cookies and more bread, lol, which did not help, to avoid these energies/distract myself and I do not want to do this today. I will face the point of losing my mom here is this blog.

*This writing process is not to suppress the emotion sadness, when I feel a good cry come on I will then simply cry, to release the energies from the physical body. Nor is it to deny the grieving process when someone close to you passes on. It is to stop the internal chatter and energies that come up which cause one lack of sleep, headaches, body aches and the extreme tensions that can arise so one can remain stable and support the person who is ill, and your other relatives, in a more consistent way-also calming emotions as family members can become more erratic and arguments can ensue, for example, talking about taking my mom to one of our houses versus lying in a hospital bed in palliative care, lots of different opinions about that!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I become the embodiment of sadness and as sadness think, ‘I am sad and worried about my mom. I don’t want to lose her. I know she is old but I don’t want her to suffer and then to inevitably  leave/die/cross over. Overall, she was a wonderful and loving parent. I will miss her.

When and as I see myself becoming ‘the sad daugher’ with this thought/thought pattern, I stop myself with breath and tell myself ‘no, not participating’ and commit firmly to staying here, as I now understand these thoughts do not change the facts and what she is going through/facing, I can support and assist her in a much more stable way if I  focus on my life/getting task done so I can go out there/drive to town she is in and spend time with her, we all die-until we can figure out another way lol-death is something we all face eventually, my mom has had a much better life than most on this planet, who knows-perhaps I will be able to communicate /be with her again some other time- somehow.

542768_450013785068518_1404026824_n I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in fear within this thought, as the foundation of it’s existence, as in I am afraid she will suffer emotionally and physically and I cannot control that especially if I am so far away, I am afraid of what death is-for her-what she will face and I cannot control that inevitability and it makes me angry because I do not honor/believe in the design of life, the supposed sacred mystery of life we are not to question lol, so god is an idiot and the design sucks-the circle of life is bull sh**and not beautiful at all in fact it is quite horrific and ugly and painful , I am afraid in a self-interested way as in she is a mirror of what I will face, I am 52 and I am next! So I desire to control this life and death process-for myself and my mom- and stop the death part-at least the way it exists/manifests now-and figure out another way to re-generate the physical body BUT I CANNOT and so when you cannot control something it tends to bring on/manifest fear within ones self.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all such participation within/as fear around the situation of my mom’s health as I now see/realize /understand my mom will still exist be the same being she has always been in the dimensions and will continue her process there, she may heal-through amputation and be ok in a wheelchair for who knows how long!, we-her four children-will do our utmost to ensure she has sufficient drugs so she does not suffer pain, I have enjoyed her company for 52 years-we have shared a wonderful relationship- not the most intimate but what she and I could do/handle in this lifetime together for many reasons and it was /is full of love and respect and lots of fun, she has enjoyed a life of wealth compared to most, I cannot control this situation and ‘thinking’ about it is a waste of time and harms me mentally and physically, I can just do-make phone calls , go see her be her advocate to the best of my ability and that is my part in physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following behavioral changes-changes in my human physical body when I participate in/as this thought around sadness of my mom of:  lack of sleep, headaches, body aches in the shoulder and lower neck and upper back, tension/tightening in solar plexes, and tightening of the chest and jaw, shallow breathing, a heaviness/overall tiredness like that black cloud looming or mild depression, heavy eyelids.

When and as I see I have gone so far with this thought that it is causing a chain of events that leads to changes within my human physical body, I stop all such participation (thought which causes the emotion-energy reaction, which leads to the behavior changes in the body) and use breath to stabilize myself here, out of my mind as I now understand to continue only depletes me /snuffs out all life as I manifest my desire for escape and fall into bed or reach for food /cigarettes/sweet treats because I cannot control this situation-so I commit to continue on within my day out of my mind and here with breath awareness, as what is  best for all, ending the con of consciouness once and for all and behaving responsibly as life.

To continue with examining imagination, backchat, and emotions and feelings around this point in the next post.

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