Day 114: Sad About My Mom 2

1960s-housewifePlease read Day 113 for context to this post wherein I am examining the thought, ‘‘I am sad and worried about my mom. I don’t want to lose her. I know she is old but I don’t want her to suffer and then to inevitably  leave/die/cross over. Overall, she was a wonderful and loving parent. I will miss her.”

I got myself ‘all worked up‘ yesterday in the emotions of fear, sadness, worry, anxiety and did not sleep well. I reached out for chocolate cookies,  bread, cigarettes,  to avoid these energies/distract myself and I do not want to do this today. I will face the point of losing my mom here is this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when/as I  am engaging/participating in my imagination-memories/moving pictures in my mind- around this issue of my mom as in:  constant pictures of her lying in the hospital bed very uncomfortable and sad at the news she will probably not walk again, pictures of her in my sisters family room dying-palliative care, pictures of her in a wheelchair,  pictures of her with doctors/nurses around her, images of me talking to her doctor on the phone., images of my sister and brothers, images of a funeral and me doing a eulogy, a vase of her ashes (I know it is ridiculous), pictures of family gatherings at holiday times without my mom, images of amputations of toes/feet/legs, images of my grandfather in his wheelchair with no legs, images-fantasy-of my mom telling me she doesn’t want her legs cut off like her dad.

When and as I see myself going into imagination about my mom’s health issues I stop myself and say, ‘No, not participating’ and go back to breath, staying here as in aware with breath as I now see/understand going into/allowing myself to indulge in imagination lead me further down the rabbit hole of my own mind into inner chatter and emotions that can harm me, I cannot control my mom’s health or future by my mind, I already know the situation and do not need to review it, I cannot control when she will/or the fact that she will die or when/the fact that I will die/age by thinking about it, all I can do is remain here and create myself as stability with breath, I cannot effectively direct myself/my day when I am lost in my mind of imagination, it does not assist/support my mother but getting my daily responsibilities done so I  can visit her does/can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when/as I  am engaging/participating in backchat/inner conversation around this issue of some of the following: why does my sister want to have family Easter dinner without my mom? I just want to visit her in the hospital. I don’t care about dumb Easter or any ridiculous holiday B.S., she is suffering, they should give her morphine for god sake, if they amputate her toes/feet/legs it might kill her, surely they will not do that, but then she may not get better, I hate this, the anti-biotics are not working anymore,  it’s so sad, what should I tell her, an electric wheelchair will be awesome, if she ever gets better, I’m afraid to see her, I want to comfort her but I don’t want to be so effected by it, it makes me so sad/depressed/angry, I feel like crap leaving her, I wish she could and would embrace the Desteni message, I wish she did not have to die, what will happen to her, oh great I’m learning all this cool stuff at Desteni and what does mom have to face…oh just death, I hate it….’

When and as I see myself going into my own mind of chatter/backchat I immediately stop the talking and pull myself back to earth with breath-to reality-what is really here and remain here in stability with breath awareness as I now see/understand it is all nonsense from the past, going round and round, like a broken record, I can trust myself to review important things that need to be done at an allotted time and don’t need to talk about them in my mind, it does not mean I don’t care/love/respect my mom if I don’t have talking in my head about her, I am actually more clear and effective within my actions/day when I am not chatting inside my mind, I tend ot think the same things over and over, I cannot trust memories/what I am chatting about because one tends to change the past as memories/backchat to suit ones need/fantasies so one ‘comes out better’/is protected etc. , it does not change reality or assist my mom in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am engaging in the following emotions around this issue of behaving as the ‘sad daughter’: sadness, anger, guilt, regret, fear, curiosity, self-pity, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment and feelings of : love, respect. 

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, through the process of stopping all such participation in these emotions and feelings around this issue of my mom’s health.From the previous post, Day 113: This writing process is not to suppress the emotion sadness, when I feel a good cry come on I will then simply cry, to release the energies from the physical body. Nor is it to deny the grieving process when someone close to you passes on. It is to stop the internal chatter and energies that come up which cause one lack of sleep, headaches, body aches and the extreme tensions that can arise so one can remain stable and support the person who is ill, and your other relatives, in a more consistent way-also calming emotions as family members can become more erratic and arguments can ensue, for example, talking about taking my mom to one of our houses versus lying in a hospital bed in palliative care, as it is an upsetting/stressful time.

I commit myself to bring my awareness back to breath, as I now realize/see/understand I am feeling guilty about leaving my mom in the hospital suffering/afraid of her future and I get to walk out ‘free as a bird’ with ‘lots to look forward to’ and it just sucks, I get to learn a ton of cool stuff about myself/the universe with/through Desteni and my mom does not and it  would have supported and assisted her to face death but the feeling of guilt in itself does not change anything and actually makes me feel sick and depletes the physical body/eats away at the muscle tissue, I feel anger and sadness because I desire to control this situation, for my mom and myself, in that I want to understand and transcend the slow decline and suffering of the elderly person and then death itself-figure out another way to re-generate the physical so one does not need to have the body disintegrate-be recycled-so I don’t want to let go of the new me that says ‘I am not helpless/hopeless’ as in this case -death- I am/my mom is- we are a victim to the construct of/ and our acceptance of time and that is all there is to it, I do not want to let go of being able to enjoy her company, her being the head of the family/glue that binds us, the idea of her always being at family gatherings, the idea that i need to make sure she is ok/’happy’/has all she needs, the idea that she partly defines me/my story/ as I am her daughter and ‘this is my story’, talk with her, share with her as I actually do not have many ‘friends’ (do not care/want to) BUT my worry/sadness/anger does not change the facts/situation for myself or my mom and is useless and harmful to participate in for my body/physicality.

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