Day 115: More Fears of Stopping Thoughts

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Interestingly, as I find myself more determined to not participate in the act of thinking, certain fears as backchat (internal conversation), memories and images are coming up. I will look at/examine these in this blog.

I was pretty deep into spirituality for many years (a belief in a higher power-outside of myself) when I was having trouble with my mind and then as my alcoholism developed and then as I faced sobriety-as a support/crutch -beLIEving I could not heal myself, that a ‘power greater than me’ had to do that, as AA (alcoholics anonymous suggests).

I read several self-help/spiritual books and sometimes experimented with my mind (do NOT recommend doing this). So, over a period of about 15 years, I had several unexplainable occurrences happen which sometimes frightened me or ‘proved’ to me there was some power ‘out there’. I now understand there is much more going on here (on earth-life) than we human beings are aware of. I also understand becoming aware with breath will birth one as life in a way to ‘open up’ reality and truly see in a way we are not used to, as in direct seeing. This is a process that takes several years, 7 to 15 years, in which I am engaged in now with my participation with Desteni, DIP (Desteni I Process Online Course) and JTL blogging (Journey To Life).

Thought:  If I stop my thoughts I will be bored and lonely, as in nothing going on inside to occupy/entertain/inspire=manipulate me.  As well, I’m afraid I might access some power I cannot handle  because I do not know if I”m  responsible enough to take on such power. I don’t know if I want the responsibility that comes with birthing ones self as life in the physical.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all such participation in this thought/thought pattern by using breath and bringing myself back to my body, out of my mind, and remaining with my awareness here, as I now understand I have a pattern of ‘jumping ahead’ as in impatience and curiosity and I can indeed control this.  I understand this tendency is like a little child who wants something NOW and tends to overdo it/over indulge and get sick -like to much sweets. As I have already seen /experienced what happens when one overindulges, I do in fact trust myself to SIMPLY CONTROL MYSELF/CONTROL URGES TO RUN INSTEAD OF WALK  and can slow myself down with breath.

I also realizes this tendency is related to my desire/want to have something NOW, a lack of ability to ‘delay gratification’ common in the alcoholic or any action that becomes an addictive behavior, to want to grab something outside of myself to ‘make me feel instantly better’ no matter what the cost/consequence.  So if I am experiencing myself as bored/lonely/something missing I jump to’ I must be depressed, something is missing, I need something’ when –as I realized in my first few months of sobriety (9 years ago) I am not tired/depressed I am just still /calm/ quiet within myself and can simply relax and just be here, it is ok if nothing in particular  is ‘going on’.

As well, I realize I was very addicted to (along with the alcohol) excitement-to fill the whole inside/a feeling of lack inside of myself and so drinking created excitement sometimes in a ‘fun’ way and sometimes in a upsetting/frightening way (such as waking up and not knowing where your car it, lol, one simple example).  Again, as I have already lived through much consequence of this , I am aware of this happening now so, in self-honesty and self-trust, I commit to stopping this behavior-remind myself  ‘I’m ok here in this moment with breath and, although I do not know who I will be as I continue my process of stopping participation in thought, I know I can now trust myself to not jump ahead, to not be directed/controlled by curiosity and feelings of fear or lack, and I continue on calmly with the task at and and my day.

To continue with examining these fears in more detail, with regard to:  imagination, inner chatter, emotions/feelings, how this effects my physical body and consequences in the blogs to come.

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