Please read Day 115 for context to this blog. From yesterdays post: Thought: If I stop my thoughts I will be bored and lonely, as in nothing going on inside to occupy/entertain/inspire=manipulate me. As well, I’m afraid I might access some power I cannot handle because I do not know if I”m responsible enough to take on such power. I don’t know if I want the responsibility that comes with birthing ones self as life in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in fear as the foundation/reason this thought exists, letting fear control/direct me in my decision making and movement within my day. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am fearing letting go of my personalities, as in the fear of failure/not good enough character who uses apathy/laziness as an excuse to not do process and push myself as becoming life here in the physical as I avoid ‘work’/changing and so not wanting to face a feeling of boredom or loneliness (if I am not chatting away to myself inside my own mind), & the ‘not good enough’/fear of failure character to not face the responsibilities of what it means to live as life without the mind, as in the excuse ‘I’m going to fail anyway so why bother trying’ &/or the excuse ‘if I succeed I could make a mistake/screw up and harm myself or another so why bother trying.’
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I desire still to use the energy of excitement to move-motivate me versus a slow and steady learning process so I also fall into the polarity character, who is all impatient/curious and wants to run instead of walk, and then go into fear because my thoughts are not realistic and too extreme and subsequently I fear things I do not understand and make assumptions such as using ‘magic’-things happening in quantum time- or like I have already ‘done it’/succeeded and so have a false sense of completeness/accomplishment and so do not move in the physical to learn/change/grow one breath at a time.
*Note : the fear in itself is an energy which has similar properties of excitement
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to the process of stopping all such fears by SLOWING DOWN and using breath to stabilize myself here, bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand it is in my habit of ‘jumping ahead’ so to rush with the energy of excitement that creates the fear and I am learning how to move myself without energy and so this is no longer what I want as an example of life for myself and others. I realize nothing is magic when you understand it point by point, for example seeing someone play the piano or guitar and then you try and it seems impossible but when you -over several days/weeks/months-pick up that guitar and learn one step at a time eventually it just seems ‘normal’/’easy’ to play and not magic or impossible at all but is a enjoyable and almost natural expression of yourself. Also I tell myself, ‘No, not participating’ when and as I feel the lethargic energies coming on as I no longer find it acceptable to use tiredness as an excuse to postpone tasks/responsibilities (it is an ongoing process that I am aware of daily).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in backchat around this thought/thought pattern of some of the following: “This is too hard, I have to focus too much, like all the time, are you kidding me, it is impossible, it takes way to much effort, it is not ‘natural’ to not think, I will be alone/lonely, it’s too quiet, I’ll be bored, it is impossible for me to accomplish direct seeing, it’s not happening, I’m not good enough to accomplish this so I may as well not try and have a nap, I do notice a difference when I am still, there is alot of power here, I’m afraid of that power, I cannot control that power, I could f*** up and harm myself or someone else, I don’t want to f*** up, I should just stay away from stuff like this I know what happened in my past, I’m not going there again, it’s impossible, human beings will never be able to be trusted with complete responsibility of being life in the physical, we should not try, I should not even try…”
When and as I see myself engaging in inner chatter/backchat around fears about stopping thoughts I stop, I breathe and bring my awareness out of my mind and back to the physical, as I now see/realize/understand it is all a lie, or several lies I tell myself over and over, from the personality I have created throughout my life as the ‘not good enough’ character who is afraid of failure and so has a huge pile of excuses to not try or not be consistent and work toward task completion to eventually change- myself and my world/within and without-so I give myself an ‘out’ /give up before I have even started sometime, lol, and rarely stick to something until I have mastered it, accepting instead a life of mediocracy/average joe/doesn’t matter if I do it or not -kind of thing.
I realize I can change and indeed I am changing, I can learn from the past and not repeat mistakes, I know how and want to take responsibility for myself and my world, it does matter if one person changes as it will be in the equality equation of 1 + 1 that eventually will bring about a world that is best for all!
To continue in the next post with deconstructing this irrational fear.
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