Day 117: More Fears About Stopping Thoughts 3

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Please read Day 115 and Day 116 for context to this blog. From the original  post:

Thought:  If I stop my thoughts I will be bored and lonely, as in nothing going on inside to occupy/entertain/inspire=manipulate me.  As well, I’m afraid I might access some power I cannot handle  because I do not know if I”m  responsible enough to take on such power. I don’t know if I want the responsibility that comes with birthing ones self as life in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I am falling into my imagination with images of the word alone/lonely, a kind of indescribable picture of me blank/zombie like, doing nothing, staying the same with no mind-and then pictures/images of ‘rich’ relatives/aquaintances/old friends popping up in my mind  who are doing ‘fabulous things’ like skiing in Europe, dining out, laughing, shopping for the latest and greatest fashion, — which is me being directed by greed– and then   memories of my days delving into the unknown and accessing a power I did not understand ( but not actually as I could not consistently control this force) and thinking I can’t ‘go there’ again, and images of me zapping a mountain or whole village into nothingness, lol.

Why do I do this?

Firstly, because, on the one hand, I do want to let go of the self-intersted personality who wants fun/excitement/an idea of beauty/being spoiled- and live in a way that is best for all as in stopping abuse/starvation/war/the extensive suffering of human beings- but on the other hand I want to continue to live the ‘good life’  BECAUSE I FEAR BOREDOM.  And secondly,  I am afraid of the unknown, do not want to be the one (one of the ones) to go where ‘no man has gone before’ out of the mind of consciousness BECAUSE I FEAR DEATH AND SUFFERING BUT OBVIOUSLY JUST MY OWN AND TO HELL WITH THE REST OF HUMANITY.  So I want someone else to do it -someone else fix the world, not me! And I fear failure as in the curious personality/the alcoholic who cannot delay gratification and so I fear I cannot be responsible with decision making–which is not trusting myself .

When and as I see myself falling into the imagination around this thought/thought pattern, I immediately stop and bring myself back to my physical awareness with breath and remain  here, as I now see/realize/understand I do not require moving pictures and images in my mind as they just distract me/bring up emotions that ‘bring me down’, make me focus on the past and go into lethargy/a heaviness and thus then a thought as excuse to not move/not try or into a comparison and jealousy of people I know who have loooots of money. I understand I do not want to beLIEve my excuses anymore and frighten myself with thoughts of ‘my life is useless’ self-pity thoughts when millions of human being suffer this very moment and the next, when I realize I cannot look to another/wait for someone to fix this world, I must stand and breathe and move and participate in changing myself-within and my world-without. Also I realize frightening myself with images/memories from the past or some perceived future is useless and I trust myself to go slowly and not engage in anything I do not fully understand with/within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so possessed by my reactions of the emotions of fear and anxiety I am unaware the effect this was having on my human physical body; stress/strain on my back and shoulder and facial muscles, tight jaw, shallow breathing, holding my breath, tightness in my  solar plexes, nausea in my stomach and all this allowing this energy to break down the substance of my muscle tissue so essentially eat away at the cell/structure of the physical, depleting it  and aging it or causing disease over time. Why? To use the substance to produce/substantiate more energy! Like I am being used as an energy machine -my emotions the fuel to keep the machine –the mind consciouness systems-running. But if I allow this machine to keep running then I am not life HERE the machine is , I am just an organic robot  REACTING, which harms me and others.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, when and as I find myself participating/engaging in any such  behavioral changes within my physical body, I immediately stop myself, using my breath to pull myself back down to earth–get re-grounded as I now see /realize/understand  to let myself get this far means I have lost my true beingness, lost in my mind and followed this thought/thought pattern  allowing it to control my very physicality which results in harm. I remind myself I no longer accept myself to let the past control me through fear I cannot change the past through the emotions of fear and anxiety but I can resolve issues in the present and move myself responsibly to ensure the past is not repeated.  I use my breath and carry on with my day, remaining out of my ‘head’.

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