Day 119: Strengths and Weaknesses In My Journey To Life

main-qimg-82505e8476d0f203165796afd9e7adb6Today, I will pause for a moment to reflect on what I have learned and how I am living/incorporating what I have learned throughout each day, so that I ensure I am not just accumulating a bunch of knowledge and information, useless in itself without a physical and mental application. I will do this by writing about strengths and weaknesses I can identify within my process, DIP (Desteni I Process Pro).

STRENGTHS

Daily Writing:  I have begun writing a blog each day (6 days a week, as Sunday I go support my mom, long drive). I can see how it is much more beneficial to do daily writing and actually it is ‘easier’ as I am not fighting with myself as much about, as in internal conversation ‘I have to write my blog tomorrow’ kind of thing. I also find I stress about it less as it is consistent, a constant in my life. It has been assisting to remind myself -when I find I am going to start thinking about it, ‘I start my day with self-forgiveness’ and leave it at that. Each time I start having thoughts (complaints usually , lol  ‘I can’t be spending my whole morning every morning writing, for god sake!’  Note: I just had a monster cold so did not publish a blog yesterday but am back at it today.

The Observer: I am becoming more and more aware of my thoughts, as in observing them. I notice this more often throughout my day AND IF I DON’T I STOP AND REMIND MYSELF TO BE MORE AWARE AND  STAY WITH BREATH as they are almost constant. I am realizing how constantly and consistently I think, no wonder I needed to drink , lol, to stop the machine or ‘committee’ in ones head (as they say in AA Alcoholics Anonymous). I catch myself, maybe 10% of the time,  with a single picture in my mind, usually of a face-person I know-and often apply SF (Self-forgiveness) for the first thought as a picture-so I do not follow the thought, down the rabbit hole into:   fear/imagination/backchat/emotions and feelings/behavioral changes/consequences, so that is very cool. So I say, ‘I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the first thought as a picture/pixel in my mind, of X’.  I can also see how, as I have simplified my life quite a bit to do process, the same thoughts keep coming up, circling over and over and the uselessness of this and how it just occupies me/throws me off track from accomplishing/staying focused on certain tasks throughout my day.

Back to Breath:  I can  see how I am staying in imagination less, so I catch myself-become aware I am lost in/within my mind of moving images of the past as memories or a fantasy of the present or future and I tend to keep following it less often and /or am aware of my tendency to continue to follow it. Often I do this because I am fearful to forget something so, as soon as I am able, I find paper and pen and write down the thing I find so important so I can be comfortable not thinking about, OR a few times lately I have asked myself ‘do I really need to write this down? No, I will remember.’ or ‘It is actually not something I need to remember or do at this time’. Then I relax and let it go.  Most importantly I say , ‘Back to Breath!’ and continue moving in the physical.

WEAKNESSES

Sleep as an Escape It is a little hard to say as I have been quite sick for the last week with a brutal cold, so have needed more sleep. Regardless, mid morning, my mind and body are quite conditioned to feel tired and I find specific pictures pop up in my mind and the words tired/little nap/rest/little sleep/lay down popping up–after I have a cigarette usually.  I enjoy 5 cigarettes per day and they are at certain times so it is very habitual and I have trained myself this way, lol.  I am going to have to walk the point of changing the association between cigarette and bed-the words the pictures-as I really enjoy my smokes and have no plans at this time to give them up.

Fearing doing Vlogs:  It seems my mind just loooooves  to fear something!  I have been doing vlogs for a few years within my Desteni participation, so I am all over this one, as I can see I have developed a small fear –better face it while it is still small—of doing vlogs. Lots of backchat: I don’t like what I chose for my channel title, how do you put on a channel title, my vlogs are weak, too much effort to plan, I don’t like to plan vlogs, when I plan vlogs I get waaayyy more hits/views, shit ’cause I don’t like to plan vlogs,  I’m not good at vlogs, maybe I’ll be hurt or one of my children will be harmed because of doing vlogs- by some radical viewer who doesn’t like equality, blah, blah…’   Also, an irrational fear, based on self-interest that I will be punished either now by being zapped/killed/replaced or later when I face death BUT what difference does it make, I will face death regardless and I have made a commitment to myself, to make the best use of my time here as possible, being to remain with process and communicate a message of EMC, Equal Money Capitalism, as a solution (a step/part) to the world’s many problems.

True Empowerment
True Empowerment

So I can see also that , as soon as I started writing daily, I stopped doing my weekend vlogs. I was not /am not ‘used to’ the time and dedication it takes, as of yet, so this is somewhat understandable but not acceptable, as it is my responsibility to push through my pre-programming, to not accept myself as limitation/life as limitation but to become expansion/expression of self as life. I will begin the process of doing every other day vlogging to spread the message of equality and how it is possible for us to change and create a new world that is best for all, vocalize what I am learning in process for myself and share what I learn, and to thus introduce people to DIP (Desteni I Process).

Breath Awareness, I Can Loose it Quickly!  Finally, I have noticed I can get lost very quickly and loose breath awareness so fast and then become frustrated /discouraged, so I am reacting to my mind and may have a thought, ‘this is impossible’. The correction is simple enough-I remind myself ‘don’t react to the mind,  back to breath’.  I am doing this but I am finding I can get away from here as I am concerned about my mom and have lots of thought/emotions/feeling circling around. Going back to breath assist greatly in stabilizing myself , so not go further go into anxiety and feeling sick in my stomach of nausea, which was starting to happen.

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