Day 120: My Relationship to Anger 1

398701_423837814351377_751891816_nPROBLEM:  Back to looking at anger. I did not realize I have a relationship to anger: I use anger believing in the illusion of self-empowerment it holds.  How I define myself in relationship to anger  is what I am examining in this post. I have identified my attempt at controlling a situation where anger erupts in family arguments in some previous post, however I want to go deeper within this point here.

I can see I go into blame within family arguments, as in ‘they are suggesting I am wrong/inferior/ignorant’ and so I project a blaming out and onto the family member for my reaction. In this I am creating an illusion of self-empowerment, in which I relate and allow the energy rush of adrenaline, in my mind and physical body,  to dictate my response to the other, beLIEving this gives me an ‘edge’ with the power I am feeling and I ‘go for it’ and speak/react without considering the other and myself in equality and oneness. Of course, it just ends up escalating the situation, brings no solution and hurts all involved. So I need to slow down and consider what is my responsibility here, how can I stop this cycle of reacting within family fights and create instead an environment of communication and stability?

I put this photo here because I can see how I equate machinery-especially weapons-as a source of great power with the explosion of energy it produce aimed at the other/the enemy, like I am going to blast my family member/whomever with my words and I do/have.

SOME SUCCESS:  I have noticed, since I began my blogging about anger a change within myself!  No family arguments lately, they are usually at dinner time, and yesterday when I noticed my son was ‘grumpy/seemed angry’ at me about the dog barking/animals fighting, I was able to- INSTEAD OF TAKE IT PERSONALLY- SLOW DOWN, realize the animals can be annoying, explain to him what I usually do when I am leaving the house and the animals are unsettled/how I deal with it, explain one of the cats is older now and changing his behavior and mention CALMLY he seems angry at me and could he please look at this. To my surprise, he did and then calmly replied, so he mirrored me!  How simple it was, and then we were able to continue (after he came back from the store) an enjoyable conversation about his day.

Thought:  ‘My son and my husband are bullies, just like my Dad and my ex-husband were. I am not going to let them get to me/win.  I am no longer a silent victim, like I had to be when I was a child, or during my first marriage when I had zero self-esteem, so when they bring it on I will just bring it right back!’

SOLUTION

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I hold a self-belief, falling for the illusion of empowerment within anger, so thinking when I allow the adrenaline rush to possess me, mind and body, that I become power/powerful and I will ‘win’ the fight/argument and that my anger is justified and vindicated. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how this pattern of thinking ‘proves’ to me I am ‘right’ so I can feel secure in not facing myself/staying the same and it is the other who is at fault and who needs to change/look at themselves.

When and as I see myself becoming power, within the above thought, during family discussions, I stop and bring myself back to my breath and my physical body, realizing as I stay with breath and continue to refuse to react, it may take some time for the energies of adrenaline to subside, so I continue breathing and slow myself down before I speak, I remind myself of my responsibility here to myself and the other(s) is to work toward/create a starting point of finding a solution and not to ‘win’.

Continuing with solutions in the next post.

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