Day 121: My Relationship To Anger 2

beast4Please refer to Day 120, the previous post, for context to this blog.

Continuing With the SOLUTION

Thought:  ‘My son and my husband are bullies, just like my Dad and my ex-husband were. I am not going to let them get to me/win.  I am no longer a silent victim, like I had to be when I was a child, or during my first marriage when I had zero self-esteem, so when they bring it on I will just bring it right back!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am being directed by/controlled by fear as the foundation of this thought. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am beLIEving that if I do not use the force/supposed display of  power  brought up by the energies of anger, my husband and son will somehow diminish me /win and I will once again be that helpless/hopeless victim I was as a child with my dad or pathetic wife I was with my first husband and this will prove to myself that I am less than/inferior to them/men and I should just ‘shut up’/remain silent and ineffectual, thus not contributing to a solution that is best for all in any argument situation. In the past this has taken me to a point of feeling ‘what is the point’ and I have gone into depression/apathy and this is my fear, that I will go into this pattern/timeloop myself again.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, when and as I see myself going into an energetic reaction of fear, if I don’t’ retaliate in a situation where I feel my self-worth is being challenged within family arguments. I stop and breathe, bringing myself back to my physical body here, I remind myself to slow down as I now realize to ‘fight fire with fire‘ does not bring about a solution that is based on mutual respect, it does not create an atmosphere that is safe for communicating ones input within a discussion. As this is what I would have wanted within my family growing up,  it only makes common sense to create that for my family today. I also see that the fear is just more energy, charging me up with more adrenaline, along with the anger, to ‘shoot back’ and we all know what happens in war, no one wins, there are casualties and it is never worth it to harm beings you love/respect just for some perceived idea that you have ‘won’. I also realize being controlled/directed by fear is me existing as a reaction machine, not life here, but from memory experiences of the past. I can see how I ‘throw in/fire’ comments that are sexist about men (as this was my past experience with my dad and ex-husband) and it angers my son, understandably, and I exist in separation from men, as one and equal with/to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I am participating in my imagination within this thought/thought pattern with pictures/moving images of memories or future events of:  my father intimidating myself and my siblings in our home/at the dinner table in which we were (basically) not allowed to speak up/’talk back’, it was not a safe/open environment for family discussion and feeling totally helpless withing that situation, of my siblings sometimes speaking up and my father becoming more angry,  of my father humiliating his children/making fun of us and when this happened I thought, ‘better to be quiet/silent or that is what you get back’, of speaking up with my ex-husband and it not going well at all but it just escalating the ‘fight’, of staying silent with my ex-husband but having lots of thoughts/opinions/judgements about him and myself within my mind so quite tortured by our marital problems. These are but a few examples.

When and as I see myself falling into my mind of imagination around this issue of family arguments I immediately use self-direction and stop myself and take a deep breath, bringing my awareness back to the physical and remain with breath, I say inside my head ‘stop, no, not participating’ and I will myself to stay here with what is occurring in reality as I now see/realize I am accessing files/chips of memory within and as me which give me the example of a display of ‘power’ as the use of energy-adrenaline rush-that possesses the mind and body when one allow ones self to participate in anger, so I remember how this ‘worked’ intimidated me as a child and young adult and so think 1. I will use this power to intimidate/win over my son and husband now 2. I’m not being a victim anymore and I ‘shoot’ back in the war game to ‘kill’ my opponent. I  realize, unless this is my goal-to kill and win-then this is not an effective solution. I continue to stay with my breath and speak calmly-in stability-standing as an example to others -so we may communicate and not walk away angry.

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