Day 122: My Relationship To Anger 3

331862_227338407316875_175698322480884_727647_8280928_oPlease refer to Day 120/121  for context to this blog.

Continuing With the SOLUTION

Thought:  ‘My son and my husband are bullies, just like my Dad and my ex-husband were. I am not going to let them get to me/win.  I am no longer a silent victim, like I had to be when I was a child, or during my first marriage when I had zero self-esteem, so when they bring it on I will just bring it right back!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I am participating in backchat/internal conversation, as it comes up within me, within family arguments of: does he/she think I am stupid, they don’t get it, they are wrong, why should I be quiet and let them think they have won/are right, I’m right, they are wrong, don’t start a fight,  don’t let them get to you, screw them, they are intimidating, I don’t like this, this is scarey, why should they win, I hate this.

I commit to assist and support myself whenever I see I am engaging in backchat within family arguments by bringing myself out of my mind of inner chatter and back breath awareness, here in stability, so as to not rush to ‘win’ by getting my point across as I now understand I need to be one and equal TO MY STARTING POINT, so I remind myself my starting point is an atmosphere of safe and open communication within the family, so I slow down and speak in full awareness and not out of a reaction of anger-using the perceived power within the rush of adrenaline. Within this, I stop further mind backchat, emotions, behavioral changes and consequences that inevitably build up and follow when I speak within the starting point of wanting to ‘win’ an argument.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I  become possessed by the following emotions within family arguments: anger, fear, resentment, guilt, revenge, dislike, superiority, inferiority, blame.

When and as I see myself going into these emotions within family discussions/arguments, I immediately pull myself out of my mind and back down to earth, get grounded, within the stability of my body and the physical as I now see/understand I do not require energy to communicate what I want to say, these emotions are energies that feed upon themselves and get me ‘all worked up’ and I cannot effectively communicate my point when I am possessed/controlled by these energies, many of these emotions are based on memories of past experiences so my starting point is based on the past and not within reality/what is being said in the moment, it is my responsibility what comes out of my mouth/the words I speak/my body language and I cannot blame anyone from my past or the present for my thoughts, words and deeds as I am participating in a discussion-as it is who I am.

p1001xI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the following behavioral changes/changes within my physical body that can/do occur within family arguments:  I raise the volume of my voice, I change the tonality of my voice to a sternness, I change the pitch of my voice to deeper/lower, my facial muscles tighten, my jaw tightens, my body stiffens. In that,   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I do all this to intimidate my ‘opponent’ the enemy as it will appear scarey/mean and they will retreat as I did as a child so I am copying what frightened me in the past and so using it on others, in separation of the other. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am seeing my son and husband as the enemy I want to destroy (within the argument, lol) and be victorious/superior over them, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have, at times (usually when drunk, like my Dad) throughout my life ‘enjoyed’ the energy created by the anger and used it in delight to annihilate another which is quite sick and sadistic.

When and as I see myself participating in the energies within anger and this has led to changes within my human physical body, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I do not require energies to speak to my son and husband and I focus on my breath here and stay out of my mind and hear what they are saying to me, I breathe and relax all my muscles and keep my voice calm and stable when I speak, I keep breathing until I am certain I am stable here and not using energy within what I want to communicate-if I am unable at that moment to stabilize the energies I remain silent- I remind myself of my starting point; to create an atmosphere of open communication NOT TO WIN A FIGHT/change someones mind/convince someone of something and I remind myself I no longer find it acceptable to use the past as a reference to become a frightening looking and sounding character and that my Dad was very sorry he behaved this way when his children were young. I realize when I allow myself to change my body & voice I become what I am accusing my son and husband of– A BULLY–enjoying and allowing the mind to allure me into the promise of power created from the participation within anger.  In that, I realize playing the bully only leads to further emotions,  guilt and shame, which can harm me and I end up timelooping myself and have to face the whole anger point again, as well as apologize to people I have harmed.

REWARDS

*Each time you stop participating in a reaction of anger, you are one step closer to your own freedom! Freedom from the mind as energy and freedom from the past as memories, which means you have a whole new life-you are life-born in innocence in each moment here!

*You won’t be dragging around the heaviness of guilt and self-judgement that is a consequence of speaking out in haste when you react in/with anger.

*You will be more healthy, mentally and physically. You will have less tiredness, more hours in your day to enjoy!

*You won’t need to blame others, vilify others, to make yourself feel better/right.

*You’ll be standing as an example for others, as a source of stability and true strength, and thus you will be in a position to support and assist your fellow man.

*You will have more stable relationships.

*You will create a true empowerment/strength within yourself which will grow over time, as it builds upon  itself, a strength that does not need to win/be better than another but has humility with no ulterior agenda/motive based on self-interest.

*You will stand as an example for your children and create a safe/open/respectful/truly loving family/home environment.

For support and participation visit:
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http://desteniIprocess.com

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