In today’s post I am deconstructing the word ‘creator’ and examining my relationship to, and responsibility toward, how I live this word.
When I consider the word ‘creator’ my mind goes to ‘god’, the higher force/being that is responsible for bringing about the existence of earth and all it’s inhabitance. Whatever that power is, I suppose I have defined it as ‘the almighty/omnipotent one/the ultimate authority’ and I was just the blade of grass/the child of this power greater than I and therefore at it’s mercy. I ‘hoped‘ it was a benevolent force and that if I ‘try’ to be a good person (doing the odd random act of kindness unto another) and eat sensibly I would be spared it’s wrath and enjoy a relatively easy life and not suffer too much and go somewhere ‘better’ when I die.
I assumed the creator was more than a single entity, yet I ‘pictured’ the creator as the ultimate ‘father’/the godly figure in a long robe and white beard/or a massive white light or something similar. Have to admit, I thought of the creator as a male figure head/the boss to whom I should or must submit/try to please/be accepted/in his good books and so my relationship/associations to this ‘creator’ was much the same as my relationship/associations to all the males throughout my life who I had any kind of authority issue, imaginary or real, with. So, all bosses, my father, my father’s friends/associates, older male relatives,any leader of an organization I was part of, any head of a group of people I was associated with-be a church or school, sports teams, drama club, etc. and of course husband.
It is not so much I thought these ‘male authority figures’ were better or smarter than I , in fact, I often was quite smug, judgmental, harsh, condescending in my assessment of the male authority figures in my life. I dealt with the dilemma of being at their mercy/under their authority with an attitude like, ‘well, they are quite stupid but there is nothing I can do about it so I will submit and do the best I can to not anger/upset this mean and ignorant man and get along as best I am able, until I can leave/be free of them’. Often, with bosses I had some mad crush on them at some point within our association and would fantasize about being with them, so although I was fearful and submissive I was definitely attracted to this authority/power and would sexualize (sexual eyes) this attraction. Related to this would be the fantasy of marriage and being financially taken care of , so creating a dependency. So there was, in these cases, an attraction-pull and a revulsion-pushing away, very polarizing forces.
Well, this is interesting/reveling, I started writing about my relationship to the word ‘creator’ and am now writing about sex, money, and dependency on A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF= GIVING A MAN IN MY LIFE AUTHORITY OVER ME, which, I realize, is not their fault by the way . Within my relationships with the opposite sex during my lifetime (with the exception of my marriage today) there has also existed the ‘ownership’ issue, being that this guy had to stay with me ( I owned this guy) or I would just die.
To continue in the next post, deconstructing the word ‘creator‘ and applying self-forgiveness and a self-corrective application, in which I write a statement of how to walk/live this word, from the starting point of self-responsibility.
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