Day 148: Taking Responsibility for My Relationship with the word ‘Creator’ 2

4055952984-1‘Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.’   OMG, what have I done? Surely I did not do this, I am a good person, I care…don’t  I? ‘

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to completely separate myself from this word ‘creator’ as if it exists out there somewhere and thus separated/abdicated any and all responsibility toward this word and all the associations I hold within me, toward this word.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the words: power, bible, father, universe, god, higher power, savior, birth, death, pain, disease, suffering, nature, animals, ocean, sun, moon, stars, space, beauty, flower, miracle, impossible, human, body and the hierarchical polarities of greater/lesser, powerful/weak, victim/victor, winner/loser, beginning/end, birth/death, war/peace, boss/dependent-worker   to the word ‘creator‘.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself not consider myself the creator of the extensive amounts of abuse that exist in the world in relation to:  purchasing make up that has been created through cruel experimentation on animals, through passing on ‘the sins of the father’ by not being aware of my every thought/word/deed while I was raising my children and I thus raised them ‘in my image and likeness’, by sleep walking my way through life-unaware of my self-interest- and thus participating as ‘creator’ in massive inequality within income/healthcare/education/housing conditions of the people around me and the world at large.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang onto/desire to keep my relationship to my comfort and thus have not been willing to face the changes required, firstly in my inner world, to change me, because I consider it ‘hard work’/uncomfortable to change, so I resist letting go of my ego, as in my personality of memories, emotions, feelings  and rather stay stagnant because it is the ‘devil I know’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘the creator’ as in it had the power to give me life and then at some later date, take it away and then blame this creator for this cruel and unfair position it put it’s little creation in, being me!

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate all men, in any kind of authority position in my life, real or imagined authority,  to the ‘creator’ so that if they rejected me/left me/did not approve of me it feels like a death or like I will die/they are killing me/destroying me and then I blame them, as in they have done me wrong so I right to blame them, I did my best.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then participate in all sorts of nasty backchat/inner conversation in which I first abdicate any responsibility and then go into self-blame/self-loathing/punishment/judgement, so from one polarity to the other, of some of the following: birth and death is a stupid design, whoever designed the mind is stupid and irresponsible as it malfunctions easily and is cruel, god does not love /take care of everyone obviously as millions stave and suffer so is not a benevolent force/being, I don’t trust the creator and I don’t trust this world but I’m helpless against death so I have no choice (powerless) so I’ll try to do the ‘right’ thing… how dare he judge me as unworthy/I don’t count/I can be discarded/I”m forgettable/I’m not special/I’m not worth keeping around, he thinks I’m not good enough, he thinks I’m pretty enough but not very intelligent, he ignores me… maybe he’s right, I’ll be alone if I’m rejected by him, how will I get along/cope in this world without him, I could die/die young/be poor/not enjoy life without him…maybe he is right, what did I do/say wrong, if only I had done x/said x, why am I such a loser/failure, I didn’t do enough for him, I’m not good enough for him.

In that,  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, during my years when beLIEved in a ‘higher power’/love and light, participate in backchat/inner conversation of the nature of some of the following:  it’s ok there is a loving design, its none of your business the business of life (lol, makes no sense to me now), do not question just have faith, god/universe loves us unconditionally, there is a plan, it’s all a loving plan, everyone is here to learn lessons, it’ll make sense when I die AND all of the self-depreciating talk above.  However, (during that period of my life) I was either wrought with insecurities and dependency on my first husband, or drinking alot , or into the AA  (alcoholics anonymous) higher power idea so not self-empowered at all and was always searching for answers, until I found the Desteni Message and DIP Course!  So, this love and light inner talk did not assist and support me to stop the self-blame/judgement/punishment and help me stand on my on two feet and  stop living from the starting point of the past-it actually kept me in an unequal/enslaved/dependent relationship on a creator outside of myself.

To continue in the next post

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